The Coldest Summer

Every day, I look in the mirror

I see myself

And what I look like to others

With my signature hoodie and wristbands

 

They think I'm trying to start a new trend

The real me?

Hiding behind what they think I am

They think I'm like them

 

I could never be caught up in such vanity

When I look at myself, I feel pity

Because I know that I am not what I seem

I hide my fears from sight, and pretend that I'm fine

 

In the shower, I caress my arms

Forever stained with the memories of bloody nights

Thin, laced lines tracing over my wrists

Marking what I've become

 

A danger to myself?

Always

But if I told the truth, no one would understand

There is a secret I've been keeping

 

I don't want to be better

Because I like the way it feels

The hollow, dark inside

I feel empowered in shade

 

I don't care about anything

Or anyone

And I love it that way

I don't want anyone to take the darkness away

 

No way to describe it

Other than dark, and clawing

Clawing at my heart

To drag me down

 

I want to stay in the darkness

Where I don't have to care about anything

Because if I don't care

Then no one can hurt me any more.

Author's Note

Please, please don't criticize this poem too much. This is all from my heart, and it all is true. I do suffer from depresssion, and I have gone to the point of cutting. This isn't something to be taken lightly, and I just want others to know that.

Reviews

[Ashley Glynn]

This is so true. Every bit of it. I've been there, as well. But it's a really good poem. Lots of emotion.

[LoneWolf]

This was so well written and very moving. Your poem reminds me of how I feel when the waves take me under, at first fear grips my heart and I look for the light, but the surface feels so far away, tumbling over and over I begin to accept the force which holds me. Depression can be this way…*smiles kindly* sometimes you just want to drink depression like alcohol, it’s so easy to become drunk with strong emotions. When I feel the way you do I don’t want anyone to wake me up…but please don’t forget what it feels like to breath. To be free from these waves and feel the cool air on your face, life is such a gift. The fact that you’ve written this is proof that you are strong, those of us who are strong must go on living, so that we can help those who are weaker than ourselves. I pray you keep writing and keep looking towards the sun fair maiden, someday your poems may rescue hearts like mine from the waves.
Sincerely,
LoneWolf