A Moment of Hate

 

A Moment of Hate

Don't tell me I don't love you.

I know very well I do.

I can still picture your smile

That lights up your eyes so blue.

Don't tell me I don't love you

For how could you know

How just the mention of your name

Lights my face with loves glow

 

It's been so long since I’ve seen you

And I know the fault is partly mine

There might have been a chance to keep you

If I had taken more time.

But time was not what you needed.

You needed so badly to be free.

Being tied was not in you.

At least not being tied to me.

 

I let you have your freedom

But reminded you with every chance

That I still loved you and was waiting

For you finish your wanderers dance.

I Pitched myself to you

Like a baseball to a bat

And it should be no surprise to me

That you hit a home run pushing me back.

 

I opened up the old wounds

Again and again and again

Ignoring pitying glances and kind advise

From concerned family and friends.

I clung to every little scrap

Of hope you tossed my way

Begged for any shred of attention

Like a child begging to play.

 

I didn't allow myself to hear

The things you were trying to say

Just twisted it around

Till it sounded more to my tastes.

I filled sheets and sheets and sheets

With the agony this all caused

Blaming it of course on you

How could I possibly be at fault.

 

I cried myself to sleep at night

Because you weren't coming back

I let myself fall into a depression

made no effort to lighten the black.

I just fed the dark with pictures of you

And with happy, love filled pictures of us.

Memorabilia from our life together

And your letters oozing love.

 

I memorized every word,

That I remembered you ever spoke

So I could play them back in my head

To hear your voice when I felt low.

I walked through life each and every day

Doing just what I had to do

So sure that I was just marking time

Till you saw the light and I got you.

 

I waited and I waited

And I hoped and wished and prayed

That you would come to your senses

And realize you did love me one day

I clung to my obsession

For that is what you had become

And My love turned to hate

Before I realized what had begun

 

But the hate opened my eyes

To things I had not seen

Flawing up and demystifying

The perfect you of my dreams

And I saw all the little insignificant things

for what they really were

The hints that I ignored because

The truth severely hurt

 

All the time that I had wasted

Was showing clearly in the light of hate

The lies that I had tasted

That you fed me everyday

The dreams I'd dreamed so futilely

That were never coming true

For them to ever had a chance

There had to have once been love from you.

 

And I still can't bring myself to regret

My moment of insightful hate

Regrets would be a waste of time

It's much, much too late

For that one moment of hate

Has already revealed the truth

Though I still love you so very much

And I Wish it wasn't true,

 

But the truth of the matter is I'm too good for you.

 

 

 

 

Author's Note

This is the first Poem written about my Ex husband that I will freely without any hesitation admit that is comepletly about me and him. It's also the first poem that has been written through tears in long time. Not tears for what is or what could be but tears for the knowledge that I let this happen to myself and caused most of my pain on my own. I lost sight of what and who I am in my unhealthy devotion to him. This poem is ment to be the release of this destructive behavior. I have finally found my value and I hope that now I can move forward instead of always trying to look back. I will not be taking ratings on this poem But I do however welcome comments.