What Game?

I once dove deep in these wild thoughts, thoughts of becoming this elegant, strong, very well spoken person. A person that is never easily defeated, a person who never relies on cracked walls, and has this whole life journey sort of figured out! just that simple of a person is who I aspire to be.

I knew a person like that, she was fierce! like very soft Arabian desert sand she bends her mind to understand others, like a sad charming melody she swings her hands here and there to collect worries from others, and like a serene wave she was too selfless to be selfish, which in the end with very little care she took of herself; turned her body and soul against her.

There is one pleasing scene though in all of that.. .. soft golden sand meeting peaceful waves with some chill music in the background, this is a very minimal, accurate description of her!

That was the best and the worst idol I looked up to when growing up, she played a huge role in my life, but I never imagined she would leave so fast! she had always hoped to see me in a graduation robe, in a white dress, or even in a simple uniform.

She handed me the wrong instructions book, and now I just live by it! I do still want to be like her, not exactly be her, just something similar. Although the end of her story was not the best, I couldn't care less!

Why does a dark tunnel always appear in my head whenever I think of the time I got to spend with her, why is it so conflicting to my brain to realize; I got to watch her go from that to this, from fat to thin to fat again, from blonde to red to slightly grey, then blue, and finally my eyes saw her colorless! 

Those round hazel eyes were everything, to me at least! I could see the whole globe in those two pearls!

But now what? now I know, I could never beat that because..

Like thick mud my mind struggles to understand others and myself, like meaningless different styles of tones combined my hands tangle around to ultimately collect sorrow everyday, and like a reckless mad wave I am wandering aimlessly, which in the beginning drove me sane, and in the end will drive me insane.

I walk around everyday carrying this piece of hope for my future self, maybe then I could look through me in the mirror, and see something of her, a small resemblance is more than enough to make stop wearing her favorite perfume, which someday will become old fashioned and get discontinued from the market.

Till then, I will one day sit on the foot of the bed with oriental carvings and decide; I am buying a perfume that is not orchid nor jasmine scented today.

That day will be a new level, and if none of this happens, then I guess I've been playing the wrong game!