This Momentary Bliss

This poem dictates the wonderful cycle of life, which when understood, will surely lead to prosperity

The woods are truly at their shine,
However, a lot has gone for this,
Everything looked perfect, like a divine,
But a lot had been suffered for this momentary bliss.

 

The trees, the flowers, the birds and many more,
Had to go through many harsh seasons’ abyss,
To get a spring, as a scar cure,
As a lot has been lost for this momentary bliss.

During that storm,
Some had lost their love,
Some had lost their home,
However none had lost their dove-
the foundation of the momentary dome.

Whatsoever,
There was no time to grief during this spring,
Cuz’, it is a heaven’s kiss,
One could waste their time mourning,
Or could prepare by enjoying this momentary bliss.

BY ME

Author's Note

I have tried to use a lot of metaphors here, please tell what you interpret of them. Also, it is requested that you recommend genres for the poem, as I had a hard time choosing one. Moreover, I request you to tell me about any possible plot-hole you feel like might be present in the poem. I hope you enjoyed my poem and please sign the grammatical mistakes. (Major OR Minor)

Reviews

[emipoemi]

No plot holes, or grammatical mistakes (except probably the "at" in "at their shine", but not entirely sure about that to be honest), however, this poem for all its potential has poetic issues. Poetry isn't simply about scribbling words and figuring out the line break pattern. There's much more to it. And here, your two major faux-pas are a lack of musicality and rhyming for the sake of rhyming (some of which ultimately doesn't work as rhymes quite well). Let's start with musicality. I'm going out on a limb to assume that you're just starting out in writing poetry - you may correct me if I'm wrong - but there's no shame in being a beginner. Everyone has to start somewhere. Musicality is not metre, first of all - you have no metre in this poem. Musicality is the smooth progression from thought to thought and line to line. The reader can feel if a line is too long or too short; if a progression is lacking or is too much of a mouthful. Your musicality flows with the placement of your more important words: "the Woods are Truly at their Shine" (where the capitals denote stress points). Let's look at another: "However, a Lot has Gone for It" (that complements the flow of the first line very well). But what's happening here: "Everything looked Perfect, Like a diVine/But a Lot had been Suffered for this Momentary Bliss"....the first line is kind of good - "like a divine" is poetically passable, though I'm not sure entirely comprehensible - but it does have the hiccup of getting over "everything looked" in order to properly hit "perfect", and running into the longer fourth line, which will become the refrain of the piece, is pretty good, but a bit of a mouthful. Deceptively adequate, I might say, where it feels good, but really has hiccups. For also, the first part of that fourth line is a direct reiteration of the second line, which we don't need as we as readers already know that. Repetition is good but only if it's for a purpose. The "momentary bliss" has a purpose as it's a refrain and it adds more power to the poem. Repetition of "a lot had been gone/suffered" is unnecessary, as it's not adding anything to the piece. So that's musicality, and if you read this piece again you'd find that there are a few hiccups in the musicality throughout. Now the rhyming: not all poems need to be abab, and you tried to make this one so, but at least three times, it doesn't work - more/cure, love/dove, and spring/mourning, each for different reasons. The more/cure rhyme for many ears isn't a rhyme at all, but I'm very much aware that it could be dialectal, and so I'm not so insistent for you to change it, but you should be aware that not everyone hears that as a rhyme. Love/dove is rhyming for the sake of rhyming, because for the dove is only there for a rhyme. There's nothing that really gives that "dove" a purpose in the poem - it's not set up, nor can anyone interpret properly what you're trying to mean with it (or rather they might, but it just doesn't work. The rhyme for rhyme's sake doesn't allow it to work, as it doesn't work for the poem as a whole). Meanwhile, spring/mourning is a deceptive rhyme. They may end with the same sound, but the stress of the word doesn't. Spring and Mourning - the stress of mourning is on the first syllable, so you're not hitting the rhyme with that word. Does that make the line itself bad? No. Absolutely not. My point is that you're so focused on figuring out the rhymes for these lines, you lost track of actually writing the message and the essence of the theme. Don't stress about the rhymes, they would fall into place where they will. Focus on writing out the message, and remember to keep an eye on the flow, as a poem is as good as it's flow just as much as it is as its use of poetic devices. A poem is a conglomeration of all these aspects, that, if one doesn't quite shine as much as the rest, then the whole poem runs the risk of falling apart.

Now, don't get me wrong, as an idea, this poem is brilliant. You have some potential with this. And my comments are merely to help you make it better, because it's not perfect yet. What you could do also, even though it's a bit advanced in writing, is keep the jarring flow, and smooth is out by the refrain to signify the chaos surrounding that "momentary bliss" (which you kind of do here), but you'd still need to tweak the craft of this as certain things would still have to fall into place for it to work properly. But the main points to work on with this are musicality and mind your rhymes for rhyme's sake. Don't fall into faux-pas. You get over that, and you got something worth the name of poetry. Great start!

[Siddhant_s]

Thank you so much for such a constructive review! I have decided to change the word 'dove' to 'hope', even though it doesn't match the rhyming scheme. I have decided so because I could not find any word which rhymed and had the same meaning and was not able to think anything else. I will try to do better from my next poem.
Siddhant

[emipoemi]

Glad I could help. Looking forward to your next piece.