THE UNFORSEEN DANGER

This short story is my try at imagery.

While walking along the beach, I glanced at the sky, it was crimson. I was stunned by the pleasing scenery. The blowing breeze offered a chilly sensation to complement the heat of the setting sky.

 

The crabs seemed to be heading back to their burrows, the birds were migrating back to their homes. The sea rippled. Being enchanted by the beauty of the place, I spotted a strange bottle with a letter inside advancing towards the land. I wondered what it could be. I opened the bottle to see what is written on the letter. It only took one glance at the letter for me to know that today was not going to be a good day.

 

The letter said, “The animals are moving away because they could sense the danger you couldn’t.  Look above you” I looked above, and I could not believe my eyes. A black saucer hovered above me. A green light flashed before me, making me enter a realm of mysteries… 

Author's Note

I suspect there are grammatical mistakes in this prose. Please point those out incase you come by them. Also, it will be good of you to describe the picture this prose imprinted in your head so that I can know if I succeeded in describing or not!

Reviews

[JayG]

Forget grammar mistakes, there's a more important point. When talking about imagery in fiction they don't mean descriptions of what CAN be seen by the characters. They mean what's critical to the story. When you say:

• I glanced at the sky, it was crimson. I was stunned by the pleasing scenery

Does your telling the reader that the sky was crimson make the reader see it? No. And what does "stunned" mean to the reader? They have no access to your intent, and have only the context you supply. Of more importance, what does it do for the story? Does it move the plot? Does it develop character? Does saying that the sky is red set the scene meaningfully? Unless it does one of those three, it serves only to slow the narrative.

Here's the deal: In life and on film, we take in the entire scene, sky, land, the people and things in the view—everything—in a glance that takes milliseconds. But on the page, where everything is described serially, it would take 1000 words, or four standard manuscript pages. That's several minutes of reading. And what would be happening in the story while the reader was plowing through that description? Nothing.

Because of that problem, to keep the non story related items to a minimum, we show what matters to the protagonist, in the moment he calls "now." Is he sightseeing, and looking at the sky? Who cares? Unless he's making a decision based on that sky, it's irrelevant.

There are times when such a description is necessary. You might say:

The sky had turned a dismal gray, matching my mood, while the sound of the surf...

Here's an example of a visual, from Portal to Sygano's opening. Gary is near a supermarket, about to go shopping. See if the description, here, makes the scene seem real:
- - - - -
Pulling a cart free he stepped back, and into something soft and warm. The yelp of surprise that followed was obviously female.

Turning, he caught the arm of the girl he’d knocked out of balance to keep her from falling, saying, “I’m really sorry. I wasn’t…”

He stopped, unable to continue, because the woman, and she definitely was a woman, was striking in so many ways that he had no choice. First came her size. A perfect miniature, the size of a typical twelve year old, she was a delight to the eye. The term petite came to mind. Still, she was very much a female—delightfully so—in all respects. And her blouse, unbuttoned and tied together at the bottom, demonstrated that summer truly was the best time for girl watching. The term “wow” came to mind.

She wore no makeup but based on the maturity of her features, was in her early twenties. Ebony hair framed a face right out of a fairy tale, lacking only the pointed ears one might expect to go with such a face. Huge brown eyes were gazing into his, quizzically, though a frown marred her forehead.
- - - - -
Notice that everything mentioned is what he's noticing in-the-moment, rather than having the narrator explain what he would be seeing. And remember, what he's reacting to drives his next actions (which is why it was included):
- - - - -
“I…” He spread his hands. “I’m sorry, I must look like an idiot, but…well, one doesn’t expect to run into a sprite outside the local supermarket. So, like you, I’m a bit…well, out of balance.” He would have said more, but she wasn’t alone. Another woman, closer to his own thirty-five years in appearance, was hurrying toward them, frowning deeply. She was a close match for the first woman in size, and in her own way, as beautiful, though instead of ebony, her hair, sandy brown and glossy, went well with her elfin appearance. Delicate features, strong cheekbones, and deep tan skin contributed to her fairy-like appearance.
- - - - -
And though I'll include no more, his next action is to react to the new arrival.

I could have spent paragraphs described the parking lot, the sky, and lots more. But that's irrelevant TO HIM. And it's his story. In fact, if it takes longer to read about the action taking place than to live it, the story moves in slow motion—another reason to trim any words not absolutely necessary.

Make sense? If so, I suggest you dig into the tricks the pros take for granted, because the writing skills we get in school are meant to make us useful to an employer, not write a novel. Employers need reports, papers, and letters, not stories. Professional skills are acquired in addition to the general skills of school, so adding them to the writing skills you already possess can make a HUGE difference, and, make the act of writing more fun.

Why do you need those skills? Because at present you're "making up" details, and assigning the characters actions. But...place yourself into that protagonist's persona. You're on the beach and spot something floating in the sea. Most people, when you say "the sea," will visualize some sort of surf, so that bottle can't be close. Given that, were I to toss a bottle in the sea near you, it's half submerged. how can you tell it's "strange?" It's a bottle. No more.

And when you get it, and hold it, how can you tell that what's in it is a letter, not a note, or trash, or... So you would first notice that there's paper inside, and perhaps wonder if it IS a letter, and so, open it.

Explaining, events as an outside observer, as you do here, is a nonfiction technique. To make fiction work, you need the tricks of fiction. Anything else reads like a report.

The library's fiction-writing section is gold. Personally? I’d suggest Dwight Swain’s, Techniques of the Selling Writer, which recently came out of copyright protection. It's the best I've found, to date, at imparting and clarifying the "nuts-and-bolts" issues of creating a scene that will sing to the reader. The address of an archive site where you can read or download it free is just below. Copy/paste the address into the URL window of any Internet page and hit Return to get there.

https://archive.org/details/TechniquesOfTheSellingWriterCUsersvenkatmGoogleDrive4FilmMakingBsc_ChennaiFilmSchoolPractice_Others

Thet book won't make a pro of you, but it will give you the knowledge you need if you wish to write fiction with the skills of the fiction-writer.

And finally, the plot: Place yourself into the viewpoint of the being in the ship. Your goal is to kidnap a human—specifically, our hero. But to make your plot work, as it is, the being must somehow know that when the ship appears, the crabs and birds will all notice (or sense) and run. But our hero will be too dumb to notice the ship...in spite of the fact that he's looking at the sky! Does that make sense? Not to me.

Moreover, the pilot must know, in advance, that our hero will notice a bottle (but not the ship) at exactly the time the animals run. And, that being must also know that our hero will go after the bottle, and not say, "I don't want to get wet for a bottle." And why would they go to all that trouble? To gloat and laugh when they pull up the man they were going to take in any case? Naa. I can't buy that. And were you to have looked at the scene as both the man and the alien, you would have seen the same thing.

My point? It's not your story. It's his. So instead of having him be a shadow puppet, doing as you command, make him a real person, noticing and reacting. That book I mentioned will show you how.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/the-grumpy-old-writing-coach/

[Siddhant_s]

Thank you so much for this, I will follow as you say