Tenth Grade Sucks - Chapter 1

               Tenth grade really sucks. Take it from me, tenth is the worst. Ninth was okay, I guess, because everyone kind of let us off the hook for stuff since we were new. Not new to going to school, of course, but new to the high school. Tenth, however, just sucks. And it isn’t just because of all of the stricter teachers, abundance of homework, and less time to do it. It’s because of what I’ve been feeling toward my best friend, Tony, the one whom I’ve known since we were both six. It would be bad enough if I was a girl and he was a guy, and we fell in love, but that’s not how it goes. I’m a guy too. Yeah.

                So tenth grade is also the year I find out I’m gay. Actually, no, I’ve known for a very long time. I’d been fighting it off for just as long. I didn’t start developing feelings for Tony until a year or so ago, and I kept telling myself it was just puberty or something, but they didn’t go away. They just grew. And it was really hard to stay over at his house, and have him stay over at mine, and not try to make a move on him, but I knew I could never do that. Tony and I were way too close, and I couldn’t risk ruining everything just because of my stupid feelings. So I tried to act as normal as I could around him, but obviously it didn’t last.

                Sometime around the middle of November, Tony and I were at his house playing video games. He’d invited me over because his parents were out of town for the weekend and he didn’t want to be by himself. Now, by this point, I was fairly certain Tony still had no idea how I felt about him. I’d had feelings for him for months, and it was beginning to be very hard to handle. I could hardly talk to him without stuttering or blushing. It was late, after midnight at least, and very dark in his room. We had a bowl of popcorn sitting on the floor in front of us, and were both only a few feet from the TV.

                Tony and I were playing a shooting game, the only kind he plays. For this particular level, we had to work as a team to kill a group of soldiers without getting killed first. We’d been working at it the entire night, over and over, and still kept getting killed. Tony would get really frustrated, slamming the controller into his hands. Honestly, it was adorable.  I tried to help him the best I could, and I don’t think he was blaming me, but it was obvious how awful I was at the game.

                At last, Tony and I killed the one remaining soldier a mere second before he would have shot us. Tony was ecstatic, and I faked being ecstatic. He yelped and threw his hands in the air. His face held the glow of the TV, which accentuated his cheekbones, and I don’t think his smile could have gotten anymore sincere.

                It was kind of a heat-of-the-moment type thing, because what I did next came completely out of nowhere. He had turned to look at me, and time slowed down. I reached out, took his face in my hands, and kissed him on the mouth. As soon as I realized what I was doing, I quickly pulled away, mortified. Tony looked confused, then angry.

                “What the hell, Alex?!” he yelled, glaring at me. He seemed to be trying to wipe the kiss off his mouth with the back of his hand. “What, are you some kind of perv?”

                “Tony, I’m so sorry, dude,” I said. “I don’t know why I did that, I just…” I thought about lying, saying I was utterly confused when it happened, and that I was not gay at all, but it would be rather pointless. He’d find out sooner or later. “Tony, I have to tell you something,” I began, quietly. “I haven’t told anyone this, no one at all, and it’s been kind of eating at me.” Tony’s expression did not falter one bit. “I’m…gay.”

                “Well you made that kind of obvious, didn’t you?” he spat. “And what, you’re in love with me?”

                “Um…sort of.”

                Tony sighed and ran his fingers through his hair. I could tell how angry he was, and I was just as angry at myself. But on the other hand, I knew I wouldn’t have lasted much longer without telling him. Or kissing him. I didn’t have a lot of self-restraint.

                “I think you should just go home,” Tony said, staring at the floor. I slowly got up and walked to the door, stealing one last glance at Tony, who was picking at the carpet and not looking at me. I made my way to the front door and out to the driveway, starting the walk home. It was after midnight, there was no way I could get a ride from anyone, and I still only had my permit. The night was warm for November, but still cold, and I shivered the entire way home.

                So tenth grade is also the year my best friend finds out I’m in love with him. That night was the last night he’s spoken to me. I think he’s trying to pretend that nothing happened, but by doing that he’s also pretending I don’t exist. I can’t blame him. Every day I think about that night, cringing at what I did and making up possible scenarios that I could have done to avoid it.

                It really sucks not having a best friend anymore.

                I’m grateful Tony didn’t end up telling the whole school about it. Actually, I don’t think he told anyone, which leaves it to me to figure out how to tell anyone else.

                It’s been 3 months since that night, and he’s still the only one who knows.