Chapter 2: Somewhere in the Middle

People say that good things come to those who wait. I say they’re wrong. The opportunity, the chance, the big lottery only comes once in a lifetime, so try your best to grab at anything that comes your way. This way, you will never miss what it is you are looking for. If you keep waiting, you will end up having lived a life without risks and no results. Take the leap, accept the challenge, jump right in, and no matter what happens, try to live life in a way where you will end up with no regrets. If I could give only one advice to anyone, I would say, patience is not the key. 

I remember my first day in high school. The endless rows of old, rusty lockers, the chaotic, loud noises along every hallway, the paper planes that were tossed to disturb the classroom, but most of all, I remembered feeling like I was always being watched and judged. 

You can say that my high school is just like most others. The student population here follows a very traditional system. A system built up upon absurd rules and ways that somehow classifies you into categories and subgroups under a certain degree of popularity. I was pretty much at the bottom of this food chain. 

It was hard for me to find any friends. I didn't know where I belonged when everyone else were already peacefully residing in their respective groups. You see, my family moves a lot. Every few years we relocated to a new city, or even a new country, and then I am left to start all over again. So I have never really had a proper friend, a partner in crime, a buddy to rely on, a trusted companion that I grew up with. Sure I had few peers along the way, but they were only colleagues. We never truly ever bonded and so I guess I couldn’t say we were what friends are. 

Though I say I didn't have many friends growing up, I did enjoy a good time with my older siblings throughout the years. My parents met in college. They married two years after graduation and two years year later they had my brother, Mark. After four years, they had my sister, Maddy, and then three years later, me, Matthew, but you could call me Matt. Most people do. 

My older brother Mark, just recently graduated from college and now is working in one of the largest architecture firms in New York City. He was a star athlete, both in high school and throughout college, but he was also quite smart and creative. My sister is now entering her senior year. She has a boyfriend and they had been together for a few years now. His name is Brad. Brad is on the football team and he and my older brother gets along very well. They would play football together whenever my brother would visit us. I am not much of a sports person, so I never really join in.  

Both my brother and sister have always been nice to me. I love them both very much, but I don’t think they understand what goes on inside the realms of my mind. I think they have led a pretty typical teenage life. Just like my brother, my sister is also part of the popular crowd in school. Her friends treat me fine, I guess, but deep down I always have the feeling like, whenever they meet me, they are constantly pitying me, for being what you could possibly describe as a loner. So it may be true that I am a loner, but I wouldn't say that I am lonely at all. 

*knock*

“Its open”

“Hey honey, how are you feeling today?” Said my mother with such a soft voice as she walked towards me. A soft voice? I find that weird. How does our voice, something so intangible, get described with adjectives that carry physical connotations.

“I am okay mom” No. I am not. I feel like hell, but I just want to lie here in my bed all day, wrapped under the comforts of my blanket. I want to reflect on how sorry my life is and perhaps plan a suicide that honestly I will never commit. I know that is wrong, but I am just trying to be honest. Perhaps just not to my mom.  

“Okay honey. I am going off to work soon. Your lunch is in the fridge, just heat it up in the…” and she kept talking for what seemed like forever but was probably around a few minutes. I don’t know, I kind of zoned out and I normally don’t do this. Its just bad timing. Right now, I can’t seem to place my mind on anything. I am kind of in that mood where you just want to stab everyone else, perhaps just to showcase the misery that you are in.

Well, for me this all started on that first day of high school.