In My Dreams

I poem I wrote after feeling some pain

In my dreams, I bleed out pictures in my mind of better times

Like an endless river, from slivers on my wrists created from paper pages of my rhymes

Mental illness hurts like a crushed liver or a broken spine

 

Memories flow through my mind turning cogs in my head

Animations and pictures of beauty or times I wish I was dead

The silver liquid slips away, one way or another

Dripping from my nose like snot, precious as gold, good thing I’ve got a lot

I wake up cold in my room alone just another day to fight reality

Writing the actuality if the life I live can give me something to hold onto

Trying to make a bold statement, with poetry as rare as pavement

But I’m always smelting up better stuff trying to be the diamond in the rough

Tough, but I’ll get there with my memories from anywhere

They say experiences can break your heart

But bittersweet rhymes about a better time can make a stronger one

 

In my dream beach world, I stand alone

Watching memories on the tele turn to static

Turn it off when it gets traumatic, it’s too dramatic

Chucking concrete stones at an ocean of thoughts, smells, sounds, touches and sights

Diving in after them I feel weightless in the clear azure light of memories

Like silver screens under the water

Millions of them, each one a perfect memory of a time I can’t go back to

I want to drown in them but I can’t

The present brings me back to life, it won’t let me drown

The only thing I can breathe in is new experiences

But even those are stolen from me

 

 

 

I’m not a love giver

I keep it for myself

No one else, cause I’m such a winner

I see the pictures of better days before the gray rain entered the fray

 

Days when I could say what I wanted to say without pain

Endless endings to give and paths to take that could lead me to a bright tomorrow

Must have taken the wrong path though, because now I’m sick and insane

I need to retrain this brain to refrain from being the main pain that hits me like a freight train

I’d borrow any sorrow to go back to that fork in the road

Retrace my steps

I’ve kept every string of lace that used to be the fabric of my life

For the past 7 years, I’ve had no reason to live

Before that, it was on and off

I used to be soft

But I don’t know anymore

Know I’m asexual though, so I won’t be hard that’s for sure

No chance to step back, pack my slack and find my backpack full of things that are gone these days, but exist as a memory

Like a ghost of a better time

 

I’ve watched everything go down the drain

I’m nearly choking in a sea of saliva from the amount of times I’ve been spit on

I find I get hit on sometimes these days

I’d appreciate that if I was that way now, interested like I used to be

Before people had broken my spirit, my trust, and my love

And after being spit on, it’s hard to share a bond, when things turn wrong

I don’t want your kisses when you’ll leave me like the rest

So it’s best you leave me alone, give it a rest

Love turns to hate, I won’t give you my heart when it was so easily crushed

I’d rather just masturbate

I remember I used to blush when I felt eyes on me

I think that’s funny because my ability to love is already long gone

You’d only know what I mean if you felt the same kind of way

 

I remember days when I still had friends

I used to avoid sleep for days on end

Waiting for people like you to be there for me tomorrow

People who left me like trash

I’m snorting the ash of my memories

I’m high off the life I should have had

Remembering days before the hospital

Before the depression

I was doing the impossible

Now I’m stoned off the fumes of past experiences that I’ll never get again

Regressing into less of a man

 Forgetting everything that made me who I was

Becoming something new, true, but I’m not blue screw you

I’m just mad and informed by the truth

It hit me hard in the face

Not sad with the norm, that isn’t the case

You see I understand society now, how?

Because I got served a little taste of the bitter paste that makes up this selfish world

Now I know people don’t care about others, lovers, sisters, brothers

Figured it out the hard way, scarred eh?

They don’t care about someone else’s pain

They don’t care about what they can’t understand

So now I demand respect

I command my poems to remind me of the pain that made me wiser and older

The fake friends that gave me the cold shoulder

I’m bolder than I’ve ever been, colder than any soldier, bipolar, strong enough to break through depression’s boulders, making mountains of poetry

 

Until I can climb to the top of my world

I don’t need the love of a boy or girl to love myself

So even if there is no one else

In my dreams I’m happy

Author's Note

I very seldom reply to reviews, but I promise I read EVERY single one. I look forward to my next review, because it helps me learn. Even if it's just one word, I promise, I will be ecstatic to have the chance to hear what you have to say. Whenever you write something about my poems, or the themes of my poems, or criticize me it is not in vain. I will listen, learn and be thankful.

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[wordman]

that`s all that matters,you`re happy