Just For Kicks

Glaring obsessively in the mirror,

Posing and pouting,

Dark lips pushed out,

Heavy eye shadow slapped on

She steps back,

Slips on her best snake skin heels

Admires the curve of the stiletto

Slim-lined like her body

Smooth like her voice:

A perfect seductress

She reels them in, one every night

 

One still trapped, chained to the bed,

Bruised from stiletto dents in the skin

Groans from the agony and his own stupidity.

She kisses his forehead and the last thing

he sees is the back of her heel

as he drifts into unconsciousness.

Author's Note

Honest, helpful feedback please

Reviews

[VennelaMargame]

Hmm, I'll be as honest as I can be here, this didn't do a lot for me because it came off as rather dry. Phrases like "smooth like her voice" and "pouting / dark lips pushed out" are very familiar in this type of writing, which means that they've become diluted and lose meaning the more they're used. My advice here is to flex the creative muscles and come up with new descriptions that at purely your own. That's part of the joy of poetry.

Also consider the sound of it. Poetry requires consideration of the underlying rhythms and consonance and assonance formed by the words. That's what helps give a poem its "music."

That's my advice, don't mean to seem like I'm nagging or putting you down, but giving my honest reaction to it. Think about what you could say about this scene that hasn't been said yet, make it your own.

[Persona]

Thank you. I respect everything you've said and appreciate the effort you've gone into to explain your point of view. I go for some sibilance here and there to communicate the sliminess of her actions, so I'm unsure what you mean about the consonance unless you dislike the sounds I've created, if that makes sense?

[VennelaMargame]

Well, I don't dislike the repetition of the S sounds, but a little more variety in the consonance would help the S-consonant sections emphasize themselves in a different way. Just my thought.

[Persona]

Wow, I do like the way you write... this is seductive, yet, very raw, and gives the reader the perfect visions. It could be a scene out of a movie right away, thank you for sharing this.

- Elisa

[Persona]

Thank you for reviewing and you're welcome.

The pleasure is mine. :)

[laalaxox]

i loved the imagery you projected! i had a very clear vision of the scene you were portraying! Nicely penned:)

[Persona]

Thank you laalaxox :)

[Coyote Poetry]

You create vision of shoes and control. Feet of woman can leave a man hanging and wishing for more. I like how you ended the poem. Thank you for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Persona]

Thank you a lot Coyote. :)

[Thea]

I like your vivid descriptions. It makes it easier for readers to catch up with the idea and message. Well done.

[Persona]

Thank you Thrinna

[Thea]

It's always a pleasure to read someone's work. You're welcome.

[SADS]

As a man, concepts like these are foreign too me. Which makes it all the more impressive that i enjoyed this immensely. Didn't drag on, wrote enough to prove your point. And did it elegantly at that. Well done my friend

[Persona]

Thank you very much SADS :)

[Lyn Anderson]

This poem invokes first a feeling of a vain woman, and it turns to something infinitely more. Thanks for that.

[Persona]

Welcome thanks for reading.

[Gabby Nieves]

I liked this a lot, I could picture what she looked like in my mind. Only comment I have for this is the ending was a bit shaky with the wording, but also very powerful. Maybe change "the skin" I'm not sure but its something blocking the flow that you held so nicely throughout the poem. All in all very nice good job c:

[Persona]

Thank you.

[Matching Socks]

Very dark seductive piece. Nice flow.
Liked it.

[Persona]

Thank you.

[Iliana Peters]

I like this, its short and to the point but it still gets the message across. Nice work

[Persona]

Thank you.