Chaos Weaver

Well I remember the descending frost,
The white night on a hidden cove,
The silvery splendour of the sea and skies;
The somber night on the lonely cove,
The soft and tender sobs and sighs:
A beauty gained through a beauty lost.

Well I remember the dawning morn:
Her pleading eyes entwining mine
Calling me away from lurking sin;
Thoughts dispersed in wandering time
As she kissed my cheek and chin -
Ah, that last goodbye in the earliest morn.

Here once, my soul sailed to eternity,
And my heart in light did grow,
Artefacts of joy my soul did conceive
But a now lonely heart hid deep below.
Well I remember that fateful eve,
For I ceased to be while sailing to eternity.

My soul fled the ethereal and heavenly heights,
And I pursued it to the utter deep,
Where I faced my anguish'd and spectral wights
In the lowly halls of the utter deep;
Creative beauty seen as bless,
For me, ah, 'twas torment worn as pleasant dress.

Here once, quietly crawling, quietly calling,
The sickened spirit from joy rebelled;
Clearly I remember that surging calling
And why the grievous spirit rebelled:
A joyful but lonely heart hid deep below
And the heart in darkness did grow.

Well I remember the descending frost,
The white night on a hidden cove,
Her pleading eyes on the somber cove;
A beauty gained through a beauty lost:
For what verses may be,
If not chaos disguised as harmony?

Author's Note

This writing is the last of its kind...
Last verse of the sixth stanza is still in the making.

Reviews

[Nicolás Cardona]

This is charming attempt at verse, you display an ear for rhyme, considering that you are merely a dabbler in poetry, it would cost me nothing to admit that the only saving grace for utilizing rhyme in contemporary poetry would be bringing a fresh and novel arrangement of otherwise well-worn rhyme choices.
I read this through and must admit that it was a bit of a chore sifting through all of the bathetic, rhetorical ornamentation. "Chaos Weaver" is an apt title if this was your intention. There are several nuanced issues here but I'll point out the more glaring ones. The consonance of the first stanza was pleasing on the sonic level. "Bless" is a verb and you've decided to use it as an adjective, not sure if this was a mistake, but it seems you forced it in order to pair it with "dress" in order to rhyme. This misuse of grammar does not suit a poem of this style as it stopped me in my tracks and derailed the flow of my reading. Although unrelated, "Bliss" would not have been a bad choice in this case. The first two lines in the fifth stanza are awkward when recited."A whole long lode" is too clumsy when spoken aloud. I was given the advice to read poems aloud in order to pick up on clumsy lines like this one, I offer you this same advice, it has proven invaluable in the composition of poetry. Kudos.

[Stefano Segnan]

I must thank you for the extensive review, much appreciated.
Yes, I am trying to change the usual pattern in rhyme and try to add some new element... but as you said rightly, I'm a mere dabbler.
"Bless" was meant as a verb, and I wrote the whole line wrongly. I will address the issue in due time, thanks for pointing it out.
As for "a whole long lode" you are right, but I do recite most of the poems I write. I liked the tongue twisting, but will consider changing it due to the reasons you stated.
Thank you once more

[Selman Repišti]

It's a brilliant song. It is difficult to obtain and keep the proper rhyme scheme whilst writing in English, but you made it so.

[jacob erin-cilberto]

the rhyming at times seemed forced chaos...but it also fit with the theme...we try to take the chaos in our lives and make beautiful poetry from it, yet this one finds itself at times awkward, and that is real as far as chaos is concerned in our lives...the real needs to be written as real...as down and dirty---i like the bookend feeling the first and last stanzas give this.

in fifth stanza it should be "and lay down on the blackened ground" not only grammatically correct but smoother...sometimes we use poetic license to make a line sound smoother...here i think the correct for better---

i relate to this poem in remembering those relationships to which i had given all i could...and just couldn't get to the point that the other person had gotten to...and it was always a sad goodbye, wracked with guilt.

lots to like here, even as you are still revising.

j.

[Stefano Segnan]

Thank you for the extensive review jacob.
It doesn't really matter what it's going on in that stanza because I'm going to erase it sooner or later.

[r. f. jordan]

i cannot seem able to contemplate ideas of chaos without reverting back to Milton's Paradise Lost. there seem to be echoes of many of his insights, into his chaos, in this poem. i really appreciate how you seem to be permitting this poem's reader to view your skilled acumen toward editing, by leaving crossed out lines in this post. that is a nice touch, (if that's its intent), that permits each reader to view your humanity as you edit yourself, reminding all us readers that every poem can be its own process, and that no poem need, ever, be "completed". i also appreciate your quick swipes of alliteration throughout this work. as for this poem's content, it seems a nice reminder that each love, and every love poem, seems an individualized cove astride a vast salty sea of feeling. excellent work, and i appreciate your contribution to this site. warm regards--rfj

[Stefano Segnan]

The barred lines are clumsy indeed and yes, they need revision and some thoughts. Lately I'm just lazy to change them. Not really sure it is a love poem, sure there are some elements but I never considered it to be an important part of it.
Thank you for the review, much appreciated!

[Murmur Muses]

I often I was among you a lake among the mountains:I kept the highlights in you and hillside, and even move the flock of your thoughts and your desire.

[Stefano Segnan]

I am not sure I understand the comment.
Pozdrav,

[Murmur Muses]

Sometimes on the verse add Williams Pear;From Shakespeare to Mr. Edgar Allan Poe..

[Davidgeo]

I hate the old British spelling of artifacts (artefacts)... but it was good to use in this poem. You seem to use quite a few archaic spellings. It's a nice touch.

Though for your use of the word 'sere', if you are using it as an adjective then you should spell it 'sear'.
"The air was SEAR....", of course this is still arbitrary and probably just an American thing so you don't need to change it.

It's okay, written well enough to hold the attention I think. Kind of a tired old topic though, this theme has been done to death but every sad sensitive teenager that picked up the poetry bug. But you did it well at least, so I won't hold that against you.


C/C-, you waste to much time on ornamental vocabulary and it makes your writing sound a little stilted. You can rhyme but it feels forced here.... some lines are clumsy.

You really do have potential but you should try less and write more.

[Stefano Segnan]

Concerning artefacts and sere: for the first one I thought it was the British spelling and not the archaic spelling, guess I was wrong. For the second one, I just thought it was the British way of spelling it.
As it's written in the note, it's the last of its kind, also because of the reasons you stated. And you said it rightly, I started this collection when I was a teenager, long ago. I just had to finish the collection, with this one, it is done.

[Davidgeo]

I always just assume if the Brits are spelling it a certain way it's either old English or archaic. But that's because I'm not British. You're probably right. Sere/sear is an American thing... you can ignore that. I'm an American so I'm completely ethnocentric, a normal human being wouldn't have brought it up most likely.

[KWP]

I wonder what would happen if you lost all the I's (i's) in this piece I think it could give it that extra dimension - especially when you speak of the ethereal. The word 'well' - hmmm I can see what you are trying to do here, but I wonder if there is perhaps another way for this to be done as it is a bit detracting / distracting from the rest ... I get caught there at that word, like it has snatched me up ...

like your rhyming scheme and depth X

[Stefano Segnan]

Don't know about all the "I"'s, they are mostly linked with the lines "Well I remember"... so I do not know how to change it.
How about instead of "well" I put "clearly" as it's in the fifth stanza?
Thank you for reading and the suggestions

[KWP]

I was meaning to reword without the i's to give the whole piece a loss of connection with self and instead more of a connection with the everywhen .. Anyway that's just what Flicked through my head when I read ... So take it or leave it baby 😃 And enjoy the day / night ... Take care ... love X

[V]

I like the title and also the first stanza containing well-crafted expressions such as beauty gained through beauty lost, f.ex. Though the whole piece, maybe except the first stanza, is/reads a tad off regarding the form, some lines sound kind of clumsy. I think you are talented at writing, even at this (at least for me) difficult form but this one needs a nice rewrite, but you already know that and I think you're able to do.
You state this is the last write of its kind in your author's note. So aren't you going to write like this, anymore?

[Stefano Segnan]

What lines you think are clumsy?
No, I am not going to write like this anymore, and that is the reason why I am not going to rewrite it.

[V]

Ah ok. I think the whole stanzas from 3-last read not as smooth as I would have expected. I stumbled upon the lines rather than flowing with them. ...

[Stefano Segnan]

Yes, yes! That fifth stanza is really weak, I might erase it.

[V]

Whatever you like to do. It's up on you to change your pieces not on anyone else. We as the audience can only make suggestions.