Stolen innocenceA Story by Susanne Jackson Will Eleana find love?or will the man who changed everything ruin her for good? Chapter 1. Back home. "Eleana!" Her mom called. "yeah mom? What's up?" I said. " We are leaving now, are you riding with us or what?" "Driving meet you at church." As I looked in the mirror I couldn't help but sigh. I'm 5'10, overweight, hazel eyes, long chocolate brown hair, pale skin, and covered in freckles. Who will want me now? I thought. I had recently been dumped by my boyfriend of two and a half years, Alex. The only boy that ever made me think maybe, just maybe someone could love me. He wasn't anything special when you looked at him, short very short. Brown hair, brown eyes, olive skin. Ordinary, but he was the first guy to show interest. He took me to prom, even attended church with my family every Sunday. I thought he was perfect for me. Well now I’m almost 20, I’m back home with my parents, and I’ve never felt more alone. "Well off to church." I mumbled to myself, hoping I’d feel better when I got there. I noticed my brother when I was walking down the stairs. "You're coming with me I guess?" "What gave it away?" He said. Ignoring him I walked out to the car. Elijah drove me insane, he was three years younger then me. 6ft tall, short brown hair, and the same exact hazel eyes as mine. He's always been a smartass, but he had a confidence, and sense of humor that just drew people in. He excelled in everything. I loved him, hated him, and everything in between. Brother sister relationship I suppose. We walked into church a few minutes late, and grabbed a seat with our parents, just in time to hear my favorite song. 'in Christ alone' . As service went on I realized I was daydreaming of me and Alex, I hope my mom didn't notice. But without fail I looked over to see mom giving me her famous 'mom face', I giggled to myself. As church let out, I decided to go home and rest. Considering, I had yet another sleepless night of crying over Alex. After dropping Elij off at his new girlfriend Stacey's house, I found myself driving past Alex’s house. Why do I do this to myself? I thought. I guess I’m just a masochist gluten for punishment. When I got home I realized I’d missed a call from my friend Alexis, she was one of the only friends I still had from high school. I called her back, and she filled me in on things going on with her. Including that she was going to be attending a technical school starting July 1st. Maybe that's the change I need to get out of this rut, I thought. I wasn't sure how to go about doing that, but it was worth a shot. I never went to college, worked here and there. Alex always said he would take care of me. He was going to school to be a psychologist and would make more then enough money. I believed in my heart he meant that. We see were that got me, back at square one. If there was one thing I’ve learned in life thus far, it's that you have to just keep going. Trust that God has a plan. As soon as I hung up with Alexis I decided, I am going to get into that school, I am going to make something of myself. I have no idea what I’ll major in, but I’m going to do this. I'll call tomorrow for information, and get this ball rolling. No need to sit around just existing anymore. **************** It's been a few weeks since that phone call with Alexis. Things were getting better. I wasn't crying as much, I started a new job during the day at burger king in town, and me and Lex would be starting school on the 1st together!! She was going for massage therapy, I was going for medical billing. I got back in contact with some old friends from high school. I was ready to go out and move on. Things were looking up. My 20th birthday came and went, I had a great day. That’s the night it started I fell asleep quickly, but It was a restless night. I dreamt of a man. He was tall, thin, brown hair, green eyes. Bright grass green eyes. I've never seen him before, and he honestly creeped me out. I woke up and tried to dream of anything else, but he seemed to be all I would dream. It went on for a week. I had no idea I was going to see this face soon, and it would be a face I’d never forget. “I’m still dreaming of the creeper Lex! I just don't get it, I feel like I should be able to remember more about him. But nope, just a tall creepy guy with insane green eyes." Maybe he's a version of the man of your dreams?" She said giving me a sympathetic look. "Oh yeah Lex, the man of my dreams." "Sarcasm gets you nowhere Eleana. Now get ready, I’m taking you to Matthews party tonight." I gave her a dirty look, and she knew I wasn’t happy. “Don’t look at me like that, you never go out, we are going, point blank period ." "Honestly El, you're such a goody goody, doesn't it get annoying? You’re 20 now and still a virgin.” She looks at me waiting for me to respond. “I’m insecure Lexi, you know this. This is nothing new, and I’m not over Alex. Stop pushing this.” “I’m Going to push, you need a life, new friends.” “FINE ! I’ll go but don’t expect my usual social butterfly self, I don’t know anyone other then you, and Matthew.” She smiled a big cheesy smile, knowing she got her way. “Meet you here at 8 El.” She winked and left. I can’t believe I agreed to go, I need to dance. I turn up my stereo blasting I mean really, I’ve never done anything to be considered bad. I never step out of my comfort zone. I’ve never had a detention when i was in school, or even got yelled at. Life seems to be passing me by. I can’t sit around waiting for Alex. He’s not coming back, and I need to accept that. Chapter 2 "James We walked up to Mathews house, huge isn’t even he word for this place. All you could hear was loud music, and people talking. Immediately as we entered the house I noticed two things the huge brilliant chandelier, and then Alexis getting dragged away, I knew that’s was coming. I thought. I found where the drinks were and then made my way to an open seat on one of the couches. I sat there people watching for a while, it wasn’t so bad. A couple people came up and said hi. A girl named celia, she was a strange one. She went on telling me all about the tricks her dog can do. I sat and listened, because I’d never be rude, but this was getting ridiculous. I politely told her I needed another drink and found my way to the kitchen. I sat on an open seat by the drinks, and then I saw someone, he looked oddly familiar. He was tall, thin, brown hair, green eyes. He was him, the guy from my dreams. What the crap is going on I thought. I caught myself staring, aw hell he caught me too. I noticed he headed over towards me, but I jumped up and hauled it into the next room. Oh thank God he didn’t follow. I made my way outside and sat on the swing, I hope Lex is having fun, because I am freaking out. I opened my phone to check the time, ugh it’s only “Hey, I’m James, how come you’re out here all alone?” He said. “Eleana, and I’m not a party person.” “I see, so can I sit with you out here?” he asked looking at me with a serious expression. “Sure, how come you’re outside?” “I saw you come out, of course. I wanted to talk to you.” He said with a smirk. “Um, alright, so I guess you know Matthew?” I said. “No, actually I came with my friend Marc. He’s around here somewhere. I wanted to talk to you though, you have some beautiful eyes Ana, can I call you Ana?” “Well everyone calls me El for short, but I guess you can. Thanks for the compliment by the way.” “My pleasure, beautiful.” He said. Oh man, he’s laying it on thick. He’s gotta be a player. What does he want with me? Why have I been dreaming of this man? My mind was racing a mile a minute. I’m nervous, I wonder if he can tell. I looked over and noticed him staring at me. I looked at him questioningly. “Did you hear me? You seemed to space out there Ms. Ana.” He said. I cleared my throat. “Um, no I didn’t.” “I need to get going, I was wondering if I could have your number to talk with you. Maybe, hangout sometime? ” “Uh, ok sure.” I gave him my number, I can’t believe he even asked. Maybe it’s a joke or something. I thought. “Thanks, I’ll text you tomorrow beautiful Ana.” I blushed bright red. “Ok, bye James.” Well that was unexpected. After sitting outside a little longer thinking about what just happened, I looked at the time it’s now 11. I better go find Alexis I thought. As I made my way through the house, I saw her talking with a guy. I’m assuming it’s with the guy Marc James came with, since he was standing with them. I made my way over and smiled at Lex. “Are you ready to go woman? I’m tired.” She smiled and said “Yes, we can go now. Bye Marc, James.” Then she winked at Marc. I guess she likes him, I thought. As I started to walk away, James grabbed my hand, turned me around and whispered in my ear “I’ll be talking to you soon my beautiful.” I blushed, and waved goodbye. On our way home, I filled Alexis in on what happened. “It’s crazy the creeper in your dreams was there, and so gorgeous. What’s even crazier was that he hit on you, and I knew his friend all this time. I met Marc a couple years ago, never saw your dream guy before though.” She said winking at me. “Don’t wink at me Lex, he makes me nervous. He looks at me with those crazy green eyes, and I can’t help but feel uneasy. Don’t get me wrong, he was sweet and the attention was nice, but I just don’t know about him.” I said honestly. “I’ll call you tomorrow El, go get some sleep. Maybe now that you have met your dream mystery man you can sleep.” She said looking at me sympathetically. As soon as I walked in I ran up to my room, and started thinking about him. All kinds of scenarios started running through my mind. Why I had dreamt of him? Or why he wants to spend time with me? I changed into my favorite t-shirt to sleep in, and collapsed into bed. Just as I shut my eyes my phone went off, I looked at the clock As I opened the phone though, it was a text from an unknown number. ‘Hey beautiful. Its tomorrow. ;) ‘ I knew it was him. I immediately text him back. ‘Hey Green eyes, what’s up?’ I can’t believe I just called him that! Within seconds I get another text ‘Green eyes huh? Nice name. Not as good as beautiful Ana thought. I just wanted to let you know I was nice to meet you. And say goodnight. I was hoping to be able to call you later when I wake up?’ I smiled reading this, maybe he really does want to spend time with me. I text back ‘Yup, that’s your new nickname. And it was nice to meet you as well. Yes, you can call me. Goodnight green eyes J’ I put my phone back on the charger, and went to bed with a huge smile on my face. James and I spent the next two days on the phone, pretty much all day. I had such a great time talking to him, it felt natural, easy even. The dreams had continued, but he didn’t look like a creeper in them anymore. He looked like a handsome angel. I was looking forward to work and my first day of school tomorrow. James asked if he could take me to the river, for a dinner picnic on Tuesday after school, I couldn’t wait to see those green eyes again, so of course I agreed. The first day of school was great, it was nice riding with Alexis, and I liked the people in my class. All I could think about was my date with James though. We talked all night when I got home like the last three days. He was making me feel happy, a feeling I hadn’t felt in months. I was walking around like everything was awesome, even little things were making me so happy. Time went so slow all day Tuesday, and it was finally time for him to pick me up for our date. I spent the last hour getting ready putting on a light summer dress with cute little white sandals and filling my mom in on everything with James. She asked me to invite him to fireworks with my family Thursday for the 4th of July. She seemed genuinely happy for me. No one could deny the smile, and difference in my demeanor since Friday night. I walked outside, as he was getting out of the car. He looked so handsome wearing nicely fitted jeans, a white polo shirt and a fresh pair of air forces. He came up to me and wrapped me in a hug. While whispering in my ear, “Hello my beautiful Ana, I couldn’t wait any longer to touch you.” I giggled, but thought it was a little forward for him to say that.
We pulled up to the river down the street and he pulled out a blanket, and a picnic basket. It was a beautiful night for being July, not to hot and a very nice breeze. He set up the blanket, and pulled me down onto him on the blanket. He pulled out a bowl of strawberries, a pre-made Cesar salad, plates, and forks. “This is the first course my beautiful.” He said. I smiled and started to eat. We sat and talked more about anything and everything. After we finished our first course he pulled out a container filled with chicken parmesan, it smelled delicious. We continued eating and talking, everything was going so perfectly. I asked him to the fireworks with my family, and he said “I’d be honored.” Perfect answer I thought. After we finished we packed up, and he drove me home. When he pulled up he leaned in to kiss me. I got nervous and turned my head so he caught my cheek. I looked at him and he gave me a grin but it was more of a chilling look. He leaned over again and whispered, “Don’t be shy my beautiful, I’ll be inside of you before you know it.” And he kissed my cheek sweetly again. “I’ll see you later James, thank you for a lovely night.” I said rushing out of the car. “It’s the least I could do.” He stated simply. Ok. That was two times he said things that made me uncomfortable. Hopefully he has a filter when he’s around my family. Chapter 3- fireworks and a choice Even though James was extremely handsome, and sweet he was saying things the past couple days that made me nervous. It’s now Thursday the 4th of July, and James is meeting my family at the fireworks, and it’s safe to say I’m nervous. He’s been making me uncomfortable, I’ve been chalking it up to inexperience because I’m a virgin, and really only had one relationship, but I don’t think it’s me. We’ve discussed my wanting to wait till marriage for sex, and my attending church every Sunday, my beliefs. He knows, yet keeps saying extremely forward things. I know I should just tell him I just want to be friends, but it feels so nice to get this attention. James picked me up around 8 to follow my parents to the fireworks. As I climbed into the car, he grabbed me into a big hug and kissed my cheek. He looked so happy, I couldn’t help but smile. Maybe he was just having a rough couple days I thought. “Can I hold your hand my Ana?” He said smiling sweetly. “Yes, you may green eyes.” I smiled back. We sat in a comfortable silence on the way, but I could tell he was thinking about something it was all over his face. We pulled in and parked next to my parents, who also brought Elijah and Stacey. This was going to be an interesting night, I thought. As we stepped out, I noticed Elij givin James the stank eye. I rushed over to my parents car and pulled Elijah aside whispering loudly “You will be nice, or you will regret it. You will not use my car ever again!” Elijah giggled “Relax El, I’ll be good.” I went over and got James, I introduced him to each of them. “Mom, James. James, Sara my mom.” “Nice to meet you Sara. I see where Eleana gets her looks from.” He said and winked. Did he just wink at my mom??? “Daddy, James, James Dave my dad.” “Nice to meet you sir.” He said “You to Bud.” My dad said. I continued to do introductions with Elij and Stacey. Once everyone was acquainted we made our way over to the crowd found a place to put down our blankets. It was again a beautiful night for July. I sat down on our blanket and James pulled me between his legs and wrapped his arms around me. Sometimes he can be so sweet. I looked up and smiled at his as the fireworks started to go off. He kissed the side of my neck and whispered in my ear “these fireworks aren’t nearly as beautiful as you my Ana. Your smile is brighter then the biggest firework.” I blushed beat red. Could this night be any better I thought? I kept catching glances from my mom through out the whole night, what’s her issue I thought. I wasn’t ready for the night to be over, everything was perfect. Spending time with my family, and by far the sweetest, most handsome guy I’d ever been around. Perfection. As we left he again asked to hold my hand, and I held it out for him. “I had such a wonderful night Green eyes, thanks for coming and making it perfect.” I said smiling at him fondly. “Anytime, sunflower.” He said smiling back at me. “Sunflower? When did that nickname come about?” I asked. “When I realized you have sunflowers for eyes, you have the greenish brown color, but you have gold around your pupil that looks exactly like a sunflower. They are gorgeous.” He said just staring at me “Thank you James, you can be so sweet.” I said while blushing again. “I can’t wait to look down on those sunflowers, while inside of you. It will most likely take me over the top.” He said grinning at me. “Um James, please stop saying those things. You know I’m not ready.” I said getting embarrassed. “No not yet, but soon my beautiful angel. I can promise you that.” We pulled up as my family was getting into the house, I leaned over and kissed his cheek quickly and got out. He said something as I shut the door; I didn’t want to even know what it was. As soon as I walked into the house I had my mom and brother scowling at me. “What? Why are you guys looking at me like that?” I said looking irritated. I just wanted to go upstairs and go to bed, and not think about that little conversation in the car. “Sweetie, I don’t want you to see James anymore.” My mom stated simply. “Me too El.” Elij chimed in. “Can I ask why? I’m finally smiling again after Alex. Please explain why??” I said sounding defeated. “We all see it El, there is something off about that guy. When your father who is oblivious to all things notices, there is a problem. I just think you should take a step back. Don’t rush into anything sweetie. He gives me the creeps to be honest, and I don’t understand it. He’s one handsome boy.” Mom said honestly. “I’m not rushing anything, don’t you know me by now mom? Elij? Have I ever rushed anything? Just trust me. I’m going to bed, good night” I said clearly exasperated. That night my mind was going crazy. Mom and Elijah don’t like him, he keeps saying inappropriate things, the dreams. All signs lead to he’s no good. I need to think this through. Sleep on it for a few days. I’m really hoping for a good night sleep tonight, and I’m praying that it comes. It’s been 9 days since the 4th of July. I’ve been putting space between me and James, but I honestly miss the attention. Schools been great, work sucks but gotta go. I’ve been spending as much time with Alexis as possible trying to keep my mind off my Mr. green eyes. Today we are going to the mall. I’ve been dieting and I’ve lost 12 pounds. So I’m treating myself to some new clothes! On the way I filled Lex in on my feelings of missing the attention, and his green eyes. “Has he tried to call you?” She asked. “Yes, we’ve talked a couple times. He wants me to go over his house tomorrow night after school for dinner with his grandmother. Honestly don’t know if I should, what do you think?” I said. “Give him a chance El, I know you are worried about your mom, and brother. It’s your life though. I mean you guys haven’t even kissed yet. Give him a chance to prove he can make you happy. Marc says he’s a good guy.” I looked at her and thought she’s right, I miss his eyes, and all the sweet things he says, I really do want to kiss him too. “Ok. I’ll text him later and tell him I’ll be over. Thanks for today Lex. Love you.” “Love you to El, just loosen up.” When I got home later I text James and said ‘What times dinner green eyes?’ A few minutes later I heard the phone go off and smiled as I read ‘Dinners at 7 sunflower. Can’t wait to see those eyes. I’ll text you the address in the morning. Sweet dreams angel.’ I smiled and fell right to sleep, dreaming of those green eyes. Chapter 4- The day everything changed It’s July 14th, it’s hot outside, very hot outside. I can remember everything about today, in fact I’ll never forget. It started out like any other day work, school, and talking to Alexis. I was so excited to go for dinner at James’ house I couldn’t think of anything else all day. I straightened my hair to perfection, wore my new outfit and sandals. My makeup looked amazing, and for once I felt confident. I was just about to head out the door when I heard “Where are you going daughter of mine?” I had to think quickly, she would never want me going to James house without a friend. I hurried up and grabbed my book bag “I’m headed to do work at the library with Lex, I’ll be home in a little bit.” I said. “Ok sweetie, don’t be home late. I love you.” She said. “Love you too mom!’ It only took 10 minutes to get to his house, and I was nervous. I hadn’t seen James since the fireworks, 10 days. We talked here and there but, now I’m seeing him and I plan on kissing him. As I pulled up, I noticed him sitting outside waiting, looking just as good as he always does. As soon as I got out he grabbed me and hugged me so tight. “Can’t breath.” I squeezed out. “Oh, I’m sorry sunflower. I just couldn’t wait to see you, and touch you.” He said. I let out a giggle, and gave him a sweet small kiss on his lips. He looked surprised, then it changed to happy. I was happy too. We walked inside and I met his grandmother, her name was Ellen, she was cute and small. We had to talk loudly at dinner because Ellen had hearing aids that didn’t work so well. She was so polite and asked me tons of questions. She made us steak and potatoes for dinner, and it was delicious. Once dinner was done we decided to go upstairs and watch a movie. His room was big dark blue painted walls and a nice king size bed. I sat on the bed, and we discussed what movie. We decided on the day after tomorrow, I had never seen it and I love me some action movies. We laid on the bed in a spooning position and started watching the movie. After a few minutes a felt James start playing with my hair. I rolled over facing him and he looked at me with a smirk. “Hey my little sunflower, done watching the movie so soon?” I giggled. “No, I just wanted you to kiss me.” He looked at me for a second and then said “your wish is my command princess.” We kissed for what felt like forever, It was amazing. He made Alex seem like an amateur. I started to pull away I needed to take a breather, I looked up and he looked different, angry. “I need some air Green Eyes.” He smirked at me and said “You can’t just get something like that started then stop. I told you I would be inside you soon, and looking down on those sunflowers. You’re mine, and I’m taking you now.” I started to cry “James!! I don’t want you to kissing is fine, but I told you no sex, I’m saving myself. Please don’t do this. I don’t want you to.” He started to laugh “Don’t you see why it’s perfect? You’re a virgin, mine. You will always remember me and this night. I picked you out of the crowd that night at the party; I knew I’d get to have you. You looked so shy and insecure. I didn’t peg you for a virgin though. You made me work harder then I’d planned, but that’s ok. It will be worth it.” My tears were streaming now, as he ripped off my clothes. I tried to fight him, I knocked over the lamp, I yelled for help. I said stop at least 50 times, begging and pleading with him to just let me leave. And as he sat there ravaging my breasts I cried harder and thought to myself. He planned this; he’s been planning this for awhile. My heart hurt, I’ve always done right. I always loved my god and took the path I should. Why me? Why me God? I shouldn’t have lied to my mom. This is my fault. He kept going even through all the tears. He had taken off my underwear now, and was touching me there. Please God make him stop, I’m pleading, I’m crying. Then he stops looks at me and asks “Are you ready for me?” and I screamed one last time “NO!!!” And he stated simply “Well I’m ready for you.” And he pushed inside of me with a force that hurt me so bad. I just laid there, I was tired of fighting, and he wasn’t listening. So I just turned my head and watched the movie, praying for this torture to end quickly.
After what felt like years he was done with me. He threw me my half ripped clothes and told me to get dressed. After I was dressed I went to grab my book bag and walk out, but he grabbed my bag. “Let me walk you out.” He said. “I can do it.” I said still sobbing. He looked at me and said simply “It’s the least I can do.” I got into my car, and drove off. By this time I was crying so hard I felt my chest constricting. I had to pull over; I can’t even see to drive any further. After sitting on the side of the road for 20 minutes I was able to drive home again. All I could think about was do I say anything, who do I tell? Can I tell? I’m scared; I can’t go through that again. I can’t ever look at him again. I should have never lied to my mom! I pulled up outside and saw Elijah sitting on the front porch. How can I get by without him seeing me cry? He’s going to ask what’s wrong. Oh God, I’m not ready to say anything. I started walking towards the house, and he looked up. I just sat next to him and didn’t say a word for 5 minutes; I just cried and cried and cried. Then I looked at Elij, he said “ El what’s wrong, tell me what’s wrong.” I stopped crying for a second and looked at him again and just said “its rape if you say stop right? It’s rape if you say no?” “Yeah, El. Why are you asking me that? What happened?” He asked with look of worry all over his face. After a minute of silence I said “James raped me, Elij, I’ve been raped and it’s my fault. I lied to mom and told her I was going out with Alexis. I went to hangout with James, I lied. It’s my fault.” Elijah Held me and cried with me for a few minutes, then got up and went inside. I couldn’t bring myself to face my mom. She trusted me, I betrayed her. I started hearing banging and slamming. After a couple minutes my parents ran outside. Elijah tore up the house then woke them and told them what happened. I can’t imagine what they must think of me. My mom grabbed my face and pulled it up to hers and said “I’m sorry, I’m your mom I should have protected you.” And she started crying as well. “I lied to you, please don’t apologize. It’s my fault.” “No baby it isn’t. He did this to you. The police are on their way. You have to tell them everything. Every detail, then you have to go to the hospital for a rape kit. Ok?”
After 4 hours of questions from 3 different police officers, and a rape kit, and crying till my eyes burned dry. It was time to go home. Time to sleep. How could I possibly sleep? How could I ever sleep again knowing I’d see him there? July 14th the day my innocence was stolen. The day I’d never fully recover from or forget. Chapter 5- The fallout It’s been 3 days 5 hours and 37 minutes since It happened. I’m tired, so tired restlessness has taken over. The nightmares are awful, the green eyes, the bedroom, they haunt me. My throats raw from screaming, my eyes heavy from tears shed, and sleepless nights. I haven’t left my parents bedroom since we got home from the hospital. I can’t get hurt if I stay here, I haven’t spoken to anyone, and I can’t. How can I tell people what’s happened to me? I haven’t been to school, or work. My mom handled those calls, thank God for her. They couldn’t hold my job, but school gave me a month off. All I can think is… that’s how long I have to get myself together? Is that how long it takes to be able to move forward? A month. Right now I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. The only comfort I have is the safety of my parents cream colored bedroom walls, and the faint smell of my mothers vanilla perfume. Life is unfair. After everything that’s happened I can’t even be around Alexis. I don’t blame her, but I didn’t want to go. She told me he was a good guy. Marc told her he was a good guy. Is that what good guys do, prey on insecure females? How can I possibly get myself to be ok again? How can I not blame Alexis, and yet blame her at the same time. How can I put myself out into this horrible world again? I was a good kid; I did everything asked of me, and this world still gave me the short end of the stick. I’m loosing my mind, I need sleep. I can’t stop thinking; I just want to stop feeling. After days of exhaustion, I finally fell asleep. ************************************************** It’s now been 6 days, and nothing’s any better, the nightmare keep coming full force. I have a doctor’s appointment today, to get a sleep aid. I can’t keep going on like this. I’m worrying my parents, they aren’t sleeping either. It’s hard to sleep through screams coming every hour, and I just can’t hurt them anymore, I know my mom blames herself. I owe it to them to get the courage to walk out of this door. I just hate that I have to tell another person what’s happened to me. The doctor will want to know why I need prescription medication to sleep. As I let out a loud sigh, I began to pray. ‘God, this is the first time I’ve spoke to you since that night, I’m sure you already know that though. I’m not angry with you God, but I don’t know why you didn’t save me, I cried out to you, I begged for your help. Did I deserve this, was it my fault? God, I need you to fix me. I’m hurting, I’m hurting my parents. I’m hurting my little brother. They don’t even know what to say to me. God, I’m going to the doctor today, and I’m scared. I’m scared to tell someone else what happened, but I’m mostly just scared to walk out the door. Please protect me. God please fix me, I’m so broken and tired and I want to smile again. In Jesus name Amen’ It’s now been 12 days. I’m starting to talk again. The medicine I got from the doctor has helped me some. I’m not screaming all night anymore, just a few times. I am getting three hours of sleep a night now, that’s serious progress. I received the phone call this morning that they finally arrested James, and his bail was 10,000 dollars. They also informed me that when he was let out I would be notified. I should feel happy right now that he’s in jail. I’m not happy, I’m numb. I never wanted any of this; I wanted to fall in love again. I wanted to be needed again. Life just isn’t fair. That seems to be my favorite saying nowadays. It’s now day 13, and I’m still in my parent’s room. I don’t think I’ve ever prayed as much as I have the last 7 days. I was trying to nap when I heard a knock at the door. I went and opened the door to find my old friend from high school Adam. I haven’t seen him in at least a year; he’s the last person I expected to see. We used to be so close; I could talk to him about everything. I suppose that’s why he’s here; Elijah or my parents must have called him. “Hey Adam, how are you?” I said. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that? I heard what happened El.” He said looking at me sympathetically. “I figured as much, I don’t want to talk about it right now. Tell me, how are you? I haven’t seen you in forever.” “Which is funny since I moved in with Gmom across the street from you two months ago.” “You’re kidding, I haven’t seen you once.” I said. “I know I ran into Elijah earlier today, he filled me in on what happened. So I’m here and I’m planning on helping you get through this.” He said looking determined. “Thank you for coming Adam, but there isn’t anything you can do. My life is screwed up now, I don’t sleep, I cry all the time. The nightmares I have are unbearable. How could you possibly help me? I’m not trying to sound ungrateful; I’m just broken, and unable to be fixed.” “Sure I can, we start by talking about it, and then we work towards getting you out of the house.” He said. After two hours of talking and crying together Adam convinced me to go across the street to his house. I was scared, but after everything that happened with him today, he brought me back a sense of normalcy to my life and I wasn’t ready to go back into my nightmare just yet. Chapter 6 " Bad habits By day 14 I left my parent’s room, and returned to mine. Two weeks it took for me to climb back into my bed. If I were to say I was doing better, I’d be lying. I was able to talk to people again, and sleep in my bed, but I still felt awful. A week till I have to go back to school, and I’m not ready. I started trying to be normal again. Checking my Facebook, and responding to text messages. The hardest thing to deal with though, was watching the world continue on, while it still felt like my world had ended. How do you go back to normal? Adam was quickly becoming my best friend, and I looked forward to every moment we spent together. I even started hanging out with his friend Kelly as well. She was a character, very sarcastic but she made me smile, and laugh all the time. I found that Adam and Kelly had the ability to make me laugh, in spite of my inner turmoil. They didn’t make me talk about it, and they never made me face it. They were my greatest blessing; they helped me laugh while my soul was still in utter misery. I knew they smoked weed, and I didn’t do it. They never pressured me and I didn’t mind, it just wasn’t my thing. Until one day we discussed how it helped them sleep. That was all it took, I would do anything to be able to sleep again. To wake up rested without seeing those haunting green eyes, I would sell my soul for that kind of peace. It worked, and I started smoking. Weed was a necessity for me to sleep and it became just one of my bad habits I’d picked up. It was one more thing I needed to keep from my parents, lying was becoming second nature. I changed, the sweet girl everyone knew was gone. I was fighting an internal war and just trying to survive. I had no trust and no loyalties to anyone that wasn’t Adam and Kelly, they were my family now. Chapter 7- Not the same. It’s been a few months since it happened, and I’m getting by the best I can. My uncle Ryan, his girlfriend Melanie, and their son Michael moved in with us. Michael was an angel, but the innocence in his eyes made me realize what I had lost. The world was an evil place now, not a place of love and life that I once knew. The world is dull, empty and life was just continuing. That’s normal for me now though, I longed for my old life. I waited for the day when I could wake up and feel alive again. The truth is those days would never return. I was doing excellent in school, and it was something to keep my mind busy. I also went to the doctor, and decided to go threw with a gastric bypass. It’s scheduled for next week and I’m hoping that with a healthier body I’d regain some self confidence. I spent every moment that I’m not in school with Adam, and Kelly. Drugs became an everyday thing, it started out as a sleep aid but at this point I just started loving the feeling. Like I said, I changed and I had no idea at this point just how bad it was going to get. “Eleana, open up I want to talk to you please.” Mom said. “Come on ma, I don’t want to talk about it. Please just leave the subject and me alone.” “El I’m not going to push you to talk about it, please just let me in. I want to be here for you, and you just keep pushing me out. I’m your mom; I want to help. I miss you.” She said trying to silence her sobs. I went over and opened the door, and I heard my mom gasp. I can only imagine it was due to the fact that I looked like a zombie, my face was covered in mascara smeared tear lines. Lets be honest I looked like hell. “Talk to me baby girl.” She said while grabbing me into an embrace I hadn’t even realize I’d missed, until it happened. “I got the call; they let him out this morning. He’s been in there for months, and I just started to kind of get my life functional. Now I have to worry about seeing him, and the trial. Mommy I’m scared, I’m truly terrified.” I said. “El, you are doing so well, I couldn’t be more proud of you! You’re getting straight A’s in school. Your getting your surgery next week, your not letting anything stop you. Don’t let him pull you back down please.” I just let her hold me, thinking if she had any idea about the drugs, or how I’m really doing she wouldn’t be proud. I hate the lying, the drugs but its how I get by now. I have to manage somehow, and this is the only way I’ve figured out as of yet. After my mom left I sat down and looked at my notebook I write everything in. Written big on the front it says ‘book of classics’ I wrote all the funny sayings, and jokes in there so I’d never forget. The first page was what I was looking for though. It was my list of thing I wanted before I die. 1.) See Manatees in real life. " May 2003 (senior class trip) 2.) Get married to the love of my life. 3.) Become a mommy. My top three goals, how could I possibly achieve this now? Life is going in the wrong direction for that. I’m scared of love but scared of life alone more. I’ve built walls up around my heart higher then tallest sky scraper. I’m not even ready to be able to feel again, I have to keep myself safe. ************************************************** “Are you ready princess? They want to take you back to prep for surgery now.” Dad said. “As ready as I’ll ever be. Your letters are in the bag, ok?” I said looking back one more time at my mom, dad, and brother. I wrote everyone I love a letter telling them exactly how I feel about them; you never know what could happen during major surgery. As I lay on the table I started thinking about life. The love I feel for the most important people to me, I can picture each person in my head. Mom, her beautiful smile and even more beautiful heart. Dad, his calm quiet personality. Elijah and his ability to make me laugh no matter what the situation. Adam, the best friend I could ever ask for, and the one who saved me from myself. Kelly, the one who could make me laugh and keep me out of my head. The 5 most important people to me, I love them. As the doctors start to put me under I feel a little scared, scared for my family and friends if something happens to me. If death knocks on my door today, and it means I won’t hurt anymore. I’d be in heaven and never be scared again, yes I would gladly welcome death… Chapter 8- Moving forward 6 Months later. 10 months since it happened. 6 months since my surgery. Only a month left till I’m 21 and done school. I’ve lost 75 pounds, and I’m feeling better about myself. Each day gets a little easier to resume regular life. I’m going to a party tonight, my first since the night I met him. I’m all for self medicating in life now and parties are the place to do it. I’m going with Adam, Alexis, and Kelly. After my surgery, Alexis came over and made me talk to her, and since that day the four of us have been inseparable. “Ele -freakin "ana, are you coming or what? You’re taking forever; it’s a party not a benefit at the Whitehouse. Now come on, let’s go.” Adam said clearly getting annoyed. I sat looking at myself in the mirror for a while. I hardly recognized her, she was pretty, her hair was long and dark, and her eyes looked bright. How can I see these things in the mirror and feel completely different on the inside. “I’m coming now king of impatience.” I snapped back. We pulled up at the house the party was at some chic named Carrie something or other. Alexis was excited because she had some friends meeting us there, some guys named Taylor, Eric, and Ben. As soon as we walked in, I noticed myself tense up. Breath El, breath. I thought to myself. I pushed forward, I’m not Eleana little miss shy anymore. I’m Eleana who wants to get messed up and become friends with everyone. Yes, this was the new me. After having a couple drinks and feeling a lot less stressed, I made my way over to Alexis and Adam, who were talking to the guys Alexis invited. I immediately noticed “Hey El, right? I’m After 6 games and 6 wins, I looked over at Love is for suckers, people who love open themselves up to get hurt. Why am I thinking about love? Holy cow, one hour with this guy and I’m loosing all my defenses. I need to just go home and stop thinking about A couple days after the party, I was still thinking about “The funny thing is, I got a call from him yesterday asking what your story was.” She said with a smile. “Oh, what did you tell him Lex? Please tell me you didn’t embarrass me.” “Would I ever do that you? Nope, I wouldn’t. I would however invite him over to your house later tonight to hangout with us after Adam and Kelly get here.” I looked at her in complete shock. She invited him here? How can I escape him at my own house? I have a feeling this is going to get very interesting. It was around 8 and everyone was going to be getting here soon. I found myself feeling nervous, unbelievably nervous. I got all ready hair done, make-up, cute outfit. I was singing to myself all afternoon Ready to love again from Lady Antebellum. This guy is making me lose my mind, and I’ve only spent an hour with him. I haven’t listened to let alone sang a love song in 10 months. Now I’m singing Ready to love again? This can’t be good. Everyone came over around 9 and we decided to watch a movie. I sat on the couch between Adam and Kelly, Lex and We walked back into the house just as the movie was ending. Everyone stood up to say their goodbyes. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” Chapter 9- Band aids and blue eyes Life with I confided in him about my past ad he never pressured me, he understood. We took our time, and enjoyed each others company. Everyday he came with something else flowers, a stuffed animal. As the days passed every crack in my very soul felt like it would get one more band aid. He made me feel different, I longed for his touch. His kiss sent my head into a spin, and those blue eyes made me shiver. He was so passionate, yet firm. Within a month he had my heart and soul. I would do anything for him. He never pressured me for an intimate relationship, but I wanted to give him all of me. He brought color, life, and love back to me, when I thought it would never return. Every fear I had replaced with trust, and hope. Once we started becoming intimate, that sealed the deal. I was over the top head over heals in love with this blonde haired blue eyed man. He showed me that sex can be gentle, and should be enjoyed. My first time wasn’t exactly like that. He was mine and I was his. I finally had love, a beautiful out look on life again. That didn’t last long though, after a while I stared noticing changes. He was using drugs more often; he wanted me to try it. I held out for a while, but eventually gave in. I just wanted to do everything he wanted; I wanted him to be happy with me. I was almost done school, and I stopped showing up. Eventually they kicked me out over to many missed days. I didn’t care though, I had my Cocaine and weed became everyday necessity. I hated how much I loved it. “El, sit down. I called you home because we are having a family meeting.” Oh, here we go I thought. “It’s come to our attention that you’re using drugs weed and cocaine, is this true?” mom asked. “No, who told you that?” I said easily letting the lie roll off my tongue. “Good, then you won’t mind taking this drug test then?” she said looking at me with determination in her eyes. “Sure, be right back.” I said not worried. I’m just going to water it down I thought. “I’ll be joining you, just to ya know make sure there is no funny business.” She said. “alright” I said. Crap, Crap, Crap. What am I going to do now, it’s going to come up. I thought. We sat in the bathroom for a half hour. I kept insisting I didn’t have to go. “I guess we can just wait then.” She said. I kept drinking more water. I couldn’t hold out anymore. “Mom, I’m not going to take the test, I won’t pass. I have been using cocaine, and weed.” I looked away from her. I hated admitting the person I’d become to her. She did everything for me in life, made sure I was good and raised right. I looked at her face and saw the same heartbreak I’d seen the night everything changed. What’s happened to me? I’m a monster, I keep hurting my family. “You have been through a lot Eleana and I’m sorry for that, but I will not condone this type of behavior.” She said honestly. “So the way I see it you have two choices. You can stay living here, but you have to go into treatment and never see I sat there crying for a while. I see why they are worried, I’m worried. I can’t live in a world without After sitting there for a while longer I got up and walked to the door and grabbed my purse. “Fine, abandon me. I hope you’re happy now. I’m gone you no longer have a daughter.” I said and walked out. I got down to my car climbed in, and broke down. I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed. I knew I shouldn’t have said that to my family but I’m angry. How could they just throw me out like that? They didn’t even ask where I will go; they didn’t even care if I was on the streets. I hate them; I hate them all so much. I pulled up to Chapter 10- The car I woke up the next morning feeling awful, the realization of what happened the night before hit me like a wave of sadness. I noticed I sat on the bed with my head in my hands. I’m homeless. I’m going to be sleeping in my car tonight. I busted out into sobs again, until I noticed “Babe, Adam is coming over in a little bit to pick me up, we are going to lunch.” I said while getting ready. “Ok, I was just about to tell you my mom asked me to go to my grandparents for a while. I’ll be back in a couple hours. I love you, have fun.” He said giving me a quick kiss. “Ok love you too babe.” I had just finished getting ready when Adam pulled up. I hurried out the front door anxious to see a friendly face after all that’s happened. “Hey, I’m so happy to see you.” I said honestly. He started laughing and said “I’m happy to see you as well.” We drove around for awhile then decided on the diner downtown. I filled Adam in on everything that happened. He looked at me with an expression I can’t quite describe. ”El,you know I love you but I think your parents are right. I’ve seen first hand how bad it’s getting. I think it would be best for you to just go home.” He said. “You’re really taking their side? You think its ok they sent me out to live on the streets?” I said completely baffled. “Of course not, but they didn’t throw you out on the streets, you chose to leave. They gave you options El. They’re scared for you I’m scared for you. I climbed onto After a short nap I woke up to As we walked into the party I was excited to see a lot of faces from high school that I hadn’t seen in a long time. I was really surprised to see one of my old best friends Maya. We immediately fell into conversation, and we spent the entire party chatting and making plans. I almost forgot how bad life has gotten. Apparently Kevin and Maya hit it off as well, we all made plans to hangout later in the week. I was really looking forward to it. After a few days at
Chapter 11- Abuse and weakness After two weeks of living in my car, waiting for food from My relationship with “Kevin, I’m going to heat up some leftovers, want some?” I asked while walking to the kitchen. Kevin came over to play card and have some drinks with us. “You know I never turn down food.” He said while smiling. As soon as I was done I brought our plates to the table, and say down to eat. That’s when I heard After running in the house and locking myself in the bathroom, I noticed there was blood coming from the back of my head. I cleaned myself up and came back out. Kevin looked at me with sympathy and mouthed ‘are you ok?’ I nodded and started cleaning up. Once he came home, he was high and apologetic. Big surprise there, but I lived for the moments when we were ok. So I never brought up the microwave incident again. Life was hard enough without fighting; I’m just better off keeping my mouth shut. Some may view me as weak, unable to protect myself. Maybe I am, since I turned 20 the hits just keep on coming. Will I ever find myself again? Will I get to finish my list? Things kept getting worse once I realized how unhealthy this was. I missed my family, I haven’t talked to them since they kicked me out. I wasn’t sure how to initiate conversation after my temper tantrum the night I left. I really missed Adam, he left me he has no clue how bad it is now. “
Chapter 12 �" The holidays Thanksgiving Day. I’m sitting alone on “/hi mom, Happy Thanksgiving.” I said into the phone. After a moment of silence I heard her crying. “Happy thanksgiving baby, I’m so glad you’re ok, I miss you, where are you?” She misses me, I thought they hated me. “I’m at I walked in and decided to listen to my mom and just try to enjoy myself. It was actually a lot of fun, great food, good conversation. I even heard funny stories about “What’s up babe? You’ve been zoning out for hours.” I decided to call her, and I was hoping As I hung up I looked at As we walked up to the door and knocked, I could hear my dad laughing. I can’t wait to see him. He opened he door looked at my face; I gave him a huge smile. He grabbed me into a hug and said “Oh thank God, Princess I’ve missed you so much.” He said with tears in his eyes. We walked in, and I got the same response from my mom, and Elijah. I couldn’t be happier then I was right now. They all said hello to Before we knew it Christmas had come and gone. We spent the whole day with my family, and then did dessert with his family. I had gotten back on good terms with my family, but I still wasn’t allowed to move back home because I still wasn’t clean. They accepted I was all ready to go and waiting on We got to my parent’s house and my mom immediately knew something was wrong. “What’s wrong baby?” she said looking worried. I immediately started crying and told her what happened. She hugged me and gave me a kiss on the forehead, and said we would figure it out. After we all ate and got the decorations down. My mom and dad called me into the kitchen. “Sweetie, we don’t want you living on the streets. We want you to come home; we can see that Chapter 13-Hiding out I had been back at my parent’s house for 5 days; they let “Hey when we get in to my house did you want to watch a movie?” I asked He didn’t answer, and his face went pale.”Hey look there’s a lot of cops at the neighbors house.” I said curiously. Just as soon as I said it As I starred out the window I started to piece things together. Missing car, missing keys, unexpected money, and practically peeling wheels to get away from the cops. He did something, oh man what did he do? Should I ask? I really don’t think I want to know. “So what did you want to talk to your grandparent’s about?” I asked Once we got to his grandparents, they welcomed us and told us we could stay in the basement. I dropped “Hey Elijah!” I said in a cheery voice, happy to hear from him. “Hey um El, where are you?” he asked sounding worried. “I’m at “Elijah I didn’t steal from anyone, I wouldn’t do that. You have to believe He stole from my neighbor, he stole from my neighbor. Over and over again I repeated it in my head. He lied to me, and now I’m in trouble. What am I going to do? I sat and thought about my life, and the downward spiral I’ve been in for the last almost two years. One thing right after the next, what am I going to do to make this better? After reflecting on my life, I got the call “Hey babe, how was your day? I missed you.” After hours of crying, and staying as far away from After a couple of hours I saw cops pull up, it was After hours of driving around trying to figure out what to do “Elijah, its El. I need you to get my clothes packed and my hair stuff. Taylor and I are leaving and not coming back for a while.” I said sounding sad. “What do you mean you’re leaving Eleana?” he replied sounding angry. “Look we are leaving can you do that for me or not?” I said. “Yeah I guess I can do that.” He said “Good I’ll call you when we are almost there. Thanks Elij, I love you.” I replied then hung-up. Later on after we stopped at We headed to my parent’s house in silence, and my stomach was in knots. How can I say goodbye to my family, not knowing when I’d return? I hate what my life has become. As soon as we pulled up I jumped out and headed up to the house, and I went inside and saw all my stuff in bags and boxes, my parent’s were sitting there with Elijah. “What are you going to do El? Where will you go?” Elijah asked. “I don’t know yet but I know we need to leave. I love you guys and I will miss you so much.” I replied. My mom and Dad ran to hug me, I would really miss them. Elijah just looked at me like he was angry. I felt horrible for leaving but how can I face this? I don’t even know how to be in trouble. I have to go and at least I’ll be with As soon as I walked outside I saw it. There were police cars everywhere,
© 2012 Susanne JacksonAuthor's Note
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