Missing You

I was waiting for you all the day

Fighting with the air to bring me back your breath 

It doesn't, but I was missing your breath

And I was left alone with the air

I was missing your talks

I was missing your smile

All the day

I was staring at the stars you made

And from you, I was feeling away

It's like a beat of heart not with the heart

I felt like an empty frame

Where my picture away

Now it is the final day

Waiting for you all the day

It is a final fight Between me and the air, But

I wanna see it bringing me back your breath...

Author's Note

A poem without a rhyme, but with a feel i guess... And if you feel like an correction can be made, comment me with the text.

Reviews

[barleygirl]

Your messages sounds like a deeply-felt sorrow, missing someone. There are many interesting ways that you SHOW instead of telling & your observations are nicely sensory (using all the senses makes a poem come alive).

I think the word "breathe" is being used wrong here. It's a verb when there's an "e" at the end, like the act of breathing, I breathe. I think what you want is the noun "breath" . . . you are longing for this thing, this breath of another person that you can feel on your face.

Also, I know it's popular to use shortcuts like "u" for "you" and "ur" for "you're" . . . this is for texting & communicating in a friendly way. But for a formal poem, most people feel it's wise to use the full words, not shortcuts. Every person has to decide for him/herself. This is just my point of view about using English properly.

I'm sorry if I'm making more critiques than compliments here. These things do not detract from your message, which is heartfelt & easy to follow & enjoy.

[Surya]

hey am fine.....and thank you for highlighting me m mistakes...I will correct them for sure

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing poem my friend.
"It is a final fight Between me and the air, But
I wanna see it bringing me back your breath..."
The above lines perfect. We need people that make us want to live and breath. Thank you Surya for sharing the excellent poetry.
Coyote

[Surya]

Thank you john...As usually your warm words inspires me....Thanks a lot, for your time reading this.

[Coyote Poetry]

Was my pleasure my friend and you are welcome.

[Farha Nayamee]

let you breath an air fresh...for the good start

[Surya]

Thank you...i hope so

[Riya patel]

No need of rhymes I guess. You created a charm with your feelings.

[Surya]

Thank youu

[Manisha]

wonderful very well written.

lovely poem simple and touching hearts...
kind, hopeful and beautiful words.....GREAT JOB....

[Surya]

Thank you manisha....

[Anindita Janhabee]

By reading this from my second perspective (by emotions not words), I don't want to correct or edit anything. Because editing such a beautiful piece would be like a great insult to its emotions...........
I loved this one...... missing you.....
wow.... carries a bag of meanings and emotions.......
Keep writing, you have lots of capabilities..........

[Surya]

Thank s alot....anindita

[Anindita Janhabee]

My pleasure dear....

[Anindita Janhabee]

I'm glad u wrote this poem........