Dejavu

here i am at the edge of this cliff once again

throwing myself to the tides

losing

control and everything

that ive made ground on

destroying my self every night

just to feel out of reach of you

so i dont have to, face my fear

 

cant you see, the blood boiling in my veins

at the mere mention of your name

this isnt fake, or an illusion

no this is real, blood running down my eyes

 

there i was at the top of the world once again

finally had all i would ever need

i had her, my love and my air once again

and once again, i could breathe

yet this is false hope still

for my dear i fear we'll still end in misery

ill, choke

on this poison, filling my throat

ill die

before, i lie to you gain

before i choke

on this poison

of this wretched deceit

 

drip drip drip

from the these vacant eyes, my blood falls

into the ocean from atop this cliff

i fall, fall, fall

into the shadows of the unknown sea

for every broken soul, mounted like a trophy

upon my wall

for all to know and for all to see

i shall be reborn

in the wake

of my demise

i shall be reborn

Author's Note

FEEDBACK, notes for improvement, constructive criticism, please ignore grammar for now

Reviews

[Plagued Monumentally]

I tihnk RDpeck said it right.

[SoLongAndThanksForAllTh..]

At the beginning of this poem I was a little concerned that I was about to be assailed with yet another suicide poem. That would have been a shame as it's a subject that's been so thoroughly raked over here on Writers Cafe that when another one crops up it's hard not to see it as a parody. However, you've avoided that rather sticky fate and explored what it means to be thoroughly messed up by a lover (yes, it has been done many times before but there's still a little mileage left in this subject).

Regarding improvements I'd disagree with Jupiter Jazz that the addition of punctuation is the most pressing issue. Some of the best poets here (both in my opinion and by rating) regularly rebuff all forms of punctuation, leaving it to the reader to decide on emphasis, pace and flow. Instead I'd suggest focusing on some awkward phraseology, a typical example of this is, "no this is real, blood running down my eyes". What you're perhaps going for is "... blood running from my eyes" or "... blood running down my face/cheeks". It's only a one word tweak but it sounds much better and is less confusing as an image. You'll never get everybody to agree on what is 'best' but maybe try reading your work out aloud, 'performing' it if you will, could lead to a more rounded product.

I hope you find this review constructive as I've tried to focus more on improvements than simple commentary and opinion so it might seem harsher than most reviews you'll get. On the whole you've chosen a good subject and have chosen to explore it in an interesting way: to complete the process try implementing some of the ideas in the feedback you get and I'm sure a good, honest session of self-editing will produce something you'll be more than satisfied with.

[Carrion.]

very good imagery. i really like this. filled with emotion. I love it.

[Clarisse Nanoit]

This got better the more I read. It started off kind of weak, but toward the end, the imagery was better supported by your use of vocabulary. For instance, I like this: "...fall
into the shadows of the unknown sea
for every broken soul, mounted like a trophy..."

but I'm not as impressed by this: "this isnt fake, or an illusion
no this is real, blood running down my eyes"
Though those lines get youer idea across, they could capture a reader's imagination more if you didn't use such flat vocab. I would love for you to work this out a little and make this even better. It's a good piece.
KH

[biggerthenu]

wow the is powerful and so true but use your Deja Vu as ur guide beautiful imagery this really was a good poem nice job taylor thanks for sharing

[Allen Smuckler]

great imagery in a fantastic write....I have my own theory about Deja Vu's but perhaps a review is not the place...but you captured me and took me nicely along for the ride....Really, very well crafted....
not sure i agree with jupiter on caps and punct i think it flows great without and i was never confused by what you said or meant in fact it adds to the intensity in my humble opinion ;)
allen

[Jupiter Jazz]

I liked the poem, but yeah... Capitalization and punctuation