how my mind works

technically its a poem/story/letter thing i mean its just me typing my feelings

Nothing will ever be the same, I will forever be changed and nothing can ever change me back to the way i was. I am forever in a darkened hole of pain and suffering. I will forever be left in the dark. And no matter how much I cry or scream or shout no one listens to me, and no one helps me im stuck in a forever darkened hole im stuck in my soul ive changed and no one can help change me back.help change me back. I am a completely different person and I cant help but cry at night knowing that no one cares about me. The only person that cares enough about me to wanna help me can't because he is to far away. Every morning I wake up terrified that I wont make it through the day. and at night I am scared to sleep because I wonder "will I ever wake up" I cry everyday because my life is a living hell and no one can ever change that..... that's what I thought my life would be miserable forever. because I wake up and all day I have to deal with the pain of people yelling and teasing and beating on me all day long at at the end of the day im at home in my bed crying because I cant deal with it anymore. nothing could make my life any more like hell then it already was. and then I start to think about all the people who have died and all the people that I have loved and cared about who have left earth and I think that maybe it would be better if I just leave if I just die and leave everyone to be happier. but you see that is all before I met him. that's all before he stepped into my life and shined a little shed of life into my darkened spirit. and after I met him my life was different like it was turned around...... I feel safe now and secure, he made me realize that I have a life that Is worth living, he makes me feel special and beautiful and different. I dont know what I would do without him. After I met him my life went spinning out of control and I fell safely in his arms. he has a warm, firm grasp of my heart and my life and at any moment he has the power to destroy it. all he has to do is squeeze his hand and my life is over. and all he has to say are these words. "I hate you and never want to see you again I dont care if you die, actually I will be happy if you did die." thats all he has to say to me and my life is over because you know someone has said that before to me and well it tore me apart but if he ever says it I will die. ever since I set my eyes on him I fell in love and I had the same nightmare over and over I have still that same nightmare of him not loving me anymore and it scares me. I always have this feeling in the bottem of my stomach and heart a painful feeling that just tears at me and is killing me. and I wonder if he will stay loving me. i know that he has told me time and time again he loves me to death but i cant help but worry I still worry about what he will think about me when he sees me. I am slowly dieing inside. something eating away at my soul and I cant help but cry but no one hears me. and what I wonder and what scares me most is will anyone notice or even care if I die? these are my true feelings and thoughts that I feel everyday and wonder about every day. I wrote this coming from the deepest part of my heart and thats just a small glimps into who I really am. I mean I cant trust anyone but only ONE person has started to teach me to trust. and I hope that he stays around for a LONG LONG time. I dont care what happens to me as long as he doesnt leave me. and THATS what I feel and think of everyday but really thats not even half of it I think of alot more and feel alot more things then what you just read. but really there are only two things keeping me alive right now and those two things is Him and MUSIC that's what keeps me alive everyday and makes me feel right. I mean just a little bit a day or just a little bit can help alot. just one person can make a difference. and thats what I want to see. I hope you like this and I hope that this makes a big imprint in your life.