Weight of the world

Short and sweet, about today's society

Shouldering the burden of existing,
re-wording the same letter,
but the paper soaks and keeps getting wetter,
only sadness in today's newsletter.

Caught in a dance of holding society out of turmoil,
from the rich who spoil,
the poor lighting a candle underneath a tinfoil,
but we're all heading the same way into the soil.

All of the world on our shoulders,
pressure in the eyes of the beholders.

Author's Note

Love constructive criticism

Reviews

[Green]

I would almost encourage you to not try and make it rhyme, I think that messed you up a little bit here because things ended up being forced into this that don’t necessarily make sense. I liked the first stanza but it kind of fell apart from there. Which is perhaps harsher than I mean it to be. It was still a well written thought but it lost the easy kind of flow and readability from that point.
It seems like there’s been a lot of harping on the rhyme scheme so I’ll leave that part out of my review only adding the additional thought of whatever you choose to do, at least be consistent. If it’s going to have a ABBB scheme then do that but this was like ABBB CCCC DD. And rhyming letter with letter is a little bit of a cheat but it still worked there because it felt different.

On content, however, the middle feels a little disconnected. I’ve read it through a couple times now and it seems to make more sense without it. For instance, why does the poor lighting candles cause any particular distress? What does that have to do with the rich? Are all rich people bad? Are all poor people good? What is rich and poor here? (The way the lines are laid out it almost just feels like an “eat the rich” which I don’t think is the intention). The good news is it kind of makes one question a lot and anything that gets people to think is good.

[That Weird Kid]

Great comments here. Just to explain my view of it, it's free verse. I don't write poetry that counts rhymes or where the rhyme is I write it all free verse and more of a songwriting style of rhyming. It's not meant to be so serious in the literal writing kind of sense. It's just supposed to convey a message. And rich poor people lighting a candle underneath a tinfoil is something you do to take drugs. I don't know how you felt that conveyed them as "good", it's supposed to show that no matter if you're rich or poor we all have bad habits and we're all in the same boat which is the shitshow that the world is and have always been. For your analysis on the second stanza being worse, I actually like it more than the first one because of that message.

[W. Barrett Munn]

What your poem lacks are specific details that tell the story. This is extremely common with newer writers. It is the details that bring the story or the emotions to life for the reader.

Read a lot of great poetry. Start off with "Dead Stars" by Ada Limon (you can Goodle it and read it free online) to get a sense of how details bring a poem to life.

Another point worth mentioning, as JayG did, is the "a tinfoil".
That could have been enjambed with the next line beginning witht the word "hat" Enjambment provides a break from overly monotonous meter with end stopped lines. It adds variation. Humans are pattenr searching machines, but we get bored easily with that pattern once we've found it. To hold interest, vary the pattern with enjambment.

And finally, do not write tot he next rhyme. In fact, toss out the first two or three rhymes you think of and look for a slant rhyme to use, hopefully in the 92% range if you look on Rhyme Zone.
Again, as JayG, who knows his stuff, btw, said (I paraphrase), the rhyme is a tool of the poet not the reason for the poem to be written.

[JayG]

• I tend to lean on the side of them being very personal for me.

That being the case, what's in it for the reader? How many came here today wondering what was on your mind?

My point? People come hoping to be entertained—to be moved, emotionally, not to say, "Uh-huh. So take your emotions and make the reader feel, not hear about them.

That aside, you’re focusing on the rhyme to the point where you’re bending the line to the need to rhyme. But the purpose of the rhyme is to accent with the tink of a cymbal, not the thud of a drum.

• the poor lighting a candle underneath a tinfoil,

“A” tinfoil? What’s a tinfoil? But you needed a rhyme, so.... Be careful, or like Yoda you will sound.

And.... When writing metrical poetry, the number of stressed syllables (feet) on a given line within a stanza, like those of a song, should be consistent with the same line in other stanzas. But in S1 line 1 you have 3 feet, and in S2L1, you have 6. S1L2 = 3 but S2L2 = 2.

For an excellent introduction to metrical poetry, and prosody, jump over to Amazon and check the excerpt from Stephen Fry’s, The Ode Less Traveled.

And for poetry, in general, Mary Oliver’s, A Poetry Handbook, is a gem in all respects.
https://dokumen.pub/a-poetry-handbook-0156724006.html

[That Weird Kid]

No, I wanted tinfoil because that's how you do drugs. You put the drugs in the tinfoil, light it up from underneath and then you smoke it like that. It was the entire point, not something I threw if for a cheap rhyme

[redd Brick Keshner]

So much pressure you could feel it in every line🕊🙏🏻Agreeing with Gee about putting a measure of attention on the syllable count which is part of making solid stanzas (for the eyes) and for the ears in the reading. 🤩

[Gee]

Counting syllables in each line and keeping them even(ish), reading poetry aloud or even tapping out the beat as it is read will all lead to a much smoother flow.
Tis obviously easier to do this with shorter poems.
Good morning, welcome to the cafe

[That Weird Kid]

Thanks you, for your comment! however I will never count syllables because that would take all the fun out of writing.

[Gee]

Obviously your choice:)