Bus Driver

we all have a person or character in out mind that drives out actions but sometimes they need to switch out or else we get stuck in the ditch.

 So... I'm going to a Christmas party in Baie-Sainte-Anne, New Brunswick. I live in Montreal, Quebec... and I have to drive, I'm not a happy guy; Not with my anxieties. My only salvation is what's waiting for me at the end of my trip... Which hopefully won't be crashed in a snow bank or wrapped around a moose's leg. I would fly but I'm scared of those more then I am driving this stretch. 

 Right now I'm packed and ready to leave, car keys in the ignition, bundled in a jacket, and waiting for the heat to defrost the windshield. As I wait I'm stuck with nervous dread. A character from my childhood is sitting at the wheel of me; Courage the cowardly dog. It was a funny, and dark, and meaningful cartoon... Or at least that's how I remember it. Courage was the biggest chicken of a dog you had ever seen but at the same time, like any dog, he was deeply loyal and caring to his owner. He protected her from all sorts of dangers and insanity that she was seemingly oblivious to. For me, Courage is a great protector. Despite his anxiety and fear he was one of the bravest characters I'd seen. No, not despite, but rather because of his fear he was so brave. My therapist tells me that, all thought Courage has done lots of good for me, he can't be the only one at the wheel or else his protection will do me more harm then good. Instead of dealing with my fears Courage will steer me clear of them to keep me feeling safe. My therapist, she tells me that I need to figure out who else might be there to take the wheel and help me get over, or at least deal with my problems for a time. The only other driver I know of though was... Well their license should be revoked. That was a dark time for me.

 Right now Courage is telling me that maybe I should put it of until tomorrow, he wants to turn the wheel and take me back inside, maybe the streets will be safer tomorrow... I know they won't be deep down and if I try to put it off another day, I'll be a day late; that or I'll just end up not going.

 I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack. I wanna cry. As I chock it back my forehead bumps the top of the steering wheel. I glance at the passenger seat where I left a note pad with some things I jotted down to try and help me make it. The first note was breathing slowly and deeply. I started doing that. After a second, well continuing, I read the next line think about the positives and less about the negative. I always found this challenging, particularly in moments like this but I did my best. The food, my friends and parents... most importantly my first meeting with someone special. I hate that I haven't gotten to meet her yet but there's no one to blame but me. I just wanna see that little face so badly. If I just can get the nerve up... I'm so close. I wish I knew of a character that could finally put their foot on the gas, even only a little. 

 I looked at the notes again. The next one instructed that I take my main goal and break it down to small goals and if I can, take those ones and break them down to smaller ones still. The main goal was to see my baby girl. Breaking that one down, my goals were: get in the car, start driving, leave the city area, make it to a pit stop after four or five hours, then finally, finish the eleven-ish hour trek. Well, I managed the first goal... but I'm freezing up now.

 By this time, the car has warmed up enough. The windows are defogged and all, its just waiting for me to put it in gear and step on the gas. My muscles tensed further with more frustration as I told myself to break the goals down a little bit more. 

 Goal one: sit up right and double check my mirrors; with a hard sigh, I managed to do that -after wiping the tears out of my eyes. Next goal was to put my seat-belt on. Doing that felt a little difficult but I did my best to not think about how stupid that made me feel. I got that done. After that was switching from park to drive. I felt like I was wearing weights. I should have tried for a Greyhound Bus. Damn. Finally, the last step for the first goal was to get moving. I struggled for a minute before finally allowing that to happen, but when it did, I was feeling pretty good about myself. 

 After going a few blocks and stopping for a red light, I realized I forgot to turn on my GPS and I started to panic again. Suddenly the person behind me started honking their horn. In my panic I slammed on the gas and tried to get off into the closest parking lot where I realized I was hyperventilating, sweating, my heart was racing, and my chest hurt. I ran into a panic attack it was a small thing, easy to fix, but I just... just. I turned to the glove box and started fumbling for my Lorazepam. I quickly jammed one of the small tablets under my tongue to dissolving and started trying to do my breathing exercise again.

 "Thank gods for quick acting medicine I thought to myself and thank the doctors too I guess..."

 I made myself snicker a little, then took one more deep breath. I re-adjusted myself well glaring at the GPS. I pictured it as this villain laughing, like it was at fault for my panic attack. In a way, it was, at least to me anyway. I turned on the dumb thing and started tapping the touch screen to get what I wanted from it like Daredevil beating on a bad guy to get answers... That's when it kind of stuck me, Daredevil... I'd been reading his comics for at least a few years now. Maybe... Maybe he could take the wheel from Courage. I started focusing my mind on that. I still felt uneasy but I got on my way easier then I did leaving the house. It made me feel really good. With Daredevil at the wheel, I was finally free to go see my daughter for the first time in person!

Author's Note

My counselor asked me to think about who was driving my "bus" and who else was on it to take a turn driving. I didn't know how else to figure it out other then writing a story; so, here we are!

happy new year

Reviews

[Vawn]

The story is meaningful, and I know how it feels to be depress, it's not a fun time to be in. Things always seem bad, nothing seem to work out. These things can way on you a lot, and only make you feel worse off than before. Best thing to do is to keep you head up. Although the path to get to happiness isn't always the most wonderful. It's just sweeter when you finally achieve that happiness. No mater how small or big it is. Wish you luck in the New Year!

And I like the story also, xD
-Vawn