Pain

Pain is so much more, it means something different to everyone. Interpret it how you will.

Pain

The first thing that comes to mind right now

When I look at my computer screen

Is my pain.

My pain that is physical and mental.

I can’t forget about my pain.

I can only try and drown it out with my music.

And so I blare my music.

And I try and get lost in the rythme.

Lost in the words.

Very rarely it actually works

I want it to get to the point

where I am so caught up in the music

That I don’t remember my pain.

That I don’t remember my past.

That I don’t need to know what I looked like

Or even to know my own name.

All the music needs is for me to listen

And sway along to the beat.

To sing along if I wish.

The music does not ask me for anything

Music does not expect me to need it

It just exists.

I want my pain to go away.

So I cut my skin

To try for a second to feel anything else but the pain inside me.

In my opinion,

Physical pain is so much better than mental pain.

When I say pain it is so vague.

And I hope that whoever you are

Reading this poem I am writing

Understands this,

That I am not just referencing pain itself

I am referencing everything that comes with it

The sadness, anxiety,loneliness,depression,emptiness and so much more.

Every day it is a new battle.

Every morning I must battle my own mind

I must convince myself that I should get up

I must convince myself I look decent

Everything I think and say is a new battle.

Every choice and decision is a new battle.

And so music is my answer.

Hurting myself is my answer.

Forgetting is my goal.

In past poems I have written about all of these things,

About how I simply do not not know what to do.
I know what I will do,

I will blare my music until my ears ring,

Each night before I go to sleep.

I will try to not cut myself and only do it when I absolutely need to.

I will hang on to any distraction that comes my way.

I will not stop for anyone,

I will not look back

Or focus on regrets.

I will live each day as though It is my last.

I refuse to question myself any longer.

And although I have no clue what I want,

I will hang on

So that one day,

I will have the chance to decide I want/.

So that one day I can decide what I want to be when I grow up

So that one day I no longer have to find comfort in hurting myself.

So that one day I might be happy as being myself.

So that one day I might never have to remember this pain.

This pain that is inside of me

I hope that it will leave.

Author's Note

Thanks for reading, let me know what you think x~