Gone

I'm not sure....but enjoy x~

Gone

I don’t know what I want.

I just want change.

It all seems so hopeless

Nothing even matters.

Nothing really matters.

Every day is just like the last.

And on the rare occasion that I actually am faced with an adventure,

I ignore it.

I look the other way.

Nothing I say or do will get me out of any of this.

The stuff I have to deal with every day will never truly leave.
I can never truly get away from it.

I’m scared

I’m hurting

I’m depressed

But who cares?

It doesn’t matter.

I will never go down in history (although I really don’t want to anyway)

I won’t ever be remembered, not in a good way at least.

I see no future that even remotely excites me.

Just a 30-year-old working at price chopper,

If I even make it that far.

I should just give up.

God, I don’t even care about anyone else or if it will hurt them or make things better…

It will make me better.

Or maybe not better, but I will be dead so I won’t feel anything.

Everything is always the same.

I am always going to be sad and broken no meds can fix me, no one can fix me.

How long can I really pretend for?

Until the darkness takes over my whole body?

Until everything is gone…

I’m close to that point.

I’m close to just letting go.

I know that letting the darkness seep into every crevice of my soul and my body will be unbelievably painful but it is inevitable.

Therefore...I should just end it now.

It would be so much easier.

No one will come for me.

No one will save me.

I have already given up.

There is no turning back now.

Just more pretending.

More meds, more therapy, more smiling, and more fake laughing.

Until one day I won’t be at school and you might think I’m just sick,

But then I’m not there the next day or the next.

And when you text me I won’t respond.

And when you call it will go straight to voicemail.

Then if you really really care you might come to my house and find out that I am dead.

That I committed suicide.

My parents might even cry…

They are great actors.

Especially when people come knocking at their doors, they will pretend just as I had.

Don’t miss me too much though.

If I do it….well when I do it just know I tried…

I fought it off until the last second.

Know that I only did it because It was so painful.
Know it was a mercy.

Know that there is no more hurt.

Know I tried but failed.

And please don’t be mad.

Well actually no, you can be mad.

You can be mad for years to come but just know I will always be there.

Six feet under in a coffin laced with lies…

If you ever need me I’ll be there.

My whole life is nothing really.

It shouldn’t mean anything to you.

Pay your respects and move along.

Cry for a little while and then forget about me.

Live your life to the fullest, because if you can see the vibrant colors the earth produces then you should be very very thankful.

If you don’t feel like I do then you should thank your lucky stars.

Be thankful and merry and happy for as long as you can.

You never know when something traumatic might happen and send you into a spiral that destroys everything.

Or when one day you wake up and you can’t get out of bed…

Or when you go to sleep at night all you think of is the past.

When you wallow in your own self-pity.

When you find yourself having to fake a smile.

When you realize all your life is, is a big web of lies.

Or that everytime you close your eyes you can see his eyes…

You can feel his big hands on your body, holding you down.

Or when just thinking about those moments it sends you into a panic…

Where you can’t breathe.

Where you think every sound might be him…

A door opening behind you...someone coughing.

To the point when your hands get so sweaty and you can’t move.

Or when you go outside and you can’t feel the summer breeze on your face.

When you can’t feel the sun's rays.

When you can’t see the blue sky.

When everything goes blurry and grey.

And then you try and fail and try and fail…

You're thrown around until you realize all your doing is making the darkness even more mad…

When you realize it’s going to take over anyways and that there is no point to any of this.

And then you will find yourself in my shoes now.

The final days or weeks or months…

I don’t know when.

But it’s not a matter of if it's a matter of when.

So I will see you soon my friend….when your life to comes to an end.

Author's Note

I think this poem speaks for itself...let me know what you think...x~