The Snow

Chapter one of Melanie.

Melanie

She watched the gray flakes settle on the ground by her knees. The ashes of her home were soon swept up by the wind a few seconds after landed, whisked away to the unknown. Tears streamed down her face. She buried her face in her arms, curling up into a ball, trying to get away from the agony that gripped her heart. All she could see though, was her mother's face as she disappeared behind a burst of sparks and a charred wall.

She was all alone now. Her friends and family, even her enemies were in the gray snow at her feet. She was all that was left of her home. 

It felt like a few minutes, but it was more like an hour. Melanie heard shouts from the woods nearby. It was a miracle they hadn't burnt down too. The shouts of men were carried down to Melanie, who instantly reacted. Run.

Melanie stood, her heart racing, tears still staining her face. She took off in the opposite direction of the woods, just as three men emerged from the trees. A shout headed her way, and Melanie could catch the sight of one of them pointing at her. Another pulled a gun from his belt, and took off after her.

Melanie  pushed her feet against the ground, propelling herself forward. She pushed harder then she had in her life. Run or die, Melanie. Run or die. There is no winning this battle if you stay. 

Something whizzed past her ear and buried itself into a tree nearby. Melanie could see where the bullet hit as she ran faster. Another bullet found its way into her arm. Melanie screamed out in pain. NO! I can't die!  In the shock of getting hit with the bullet, she slowed her pace slightly. That was all her attacker needed to catch up. He leaped through the air, landing on top of her. Melanie's head hit the ground with a sickening crack. He knelt beside her, and restrained her arms behind her back. He put his gun down and used his hand to push into her wound, making her scream again. He cackled wickedly. Pain pulsed through her arm, blood stained the grass, and Melanie's attacker picked up the gun and pressed the muzzle of it, still warm, to her temple. 

"Finally got the last of you cockroaches." He said. Melanie held perfectly still. I need to buy time so I can escape!

"Please don't kill me!" She begged, forcing a sob. "You wiped out my whole village! I'm the last one! There is no need. I'll die out here anyways. Just let me... Just let me live for a few more days."

The man paused. The pain in Melanie's arm faded. One... Two... Three.  Melanie counted off the seconds. I can do this.

Melanie took a deep breath, and yanked her arms free of his grip. She pushed herself to her feet, and pulled an arm back, slamming it into his stomach before he could grab the gun he had clumsily dropped. He doubled over, while Melanie grabbed the gun. She brought her knee into his balls, making him drop to the ground, howling with pain.

"That's for my family." Melanie growled. She kicked him again, harder. "That's for my friends." She aimed the gun at his knee. She pulled the trigger, and didn't miss. "That's for shooting me." She shot him in the other leg. "That's for trying to kill me." She finally aimed it at his head. Tears streamed down her pale face. She pulled the trigger. "And that's for everything else."

Her bullet had buried itself into the ground, inches away from his head.  Melanie ignored his cries of pain as she took off, the gun in hand. A patch of skin slightly pinker than the skin around it replaced the crimson mess that had once been a wound.

Author's Note

Find this story on Wattpad at: https://www.wattpad.com/user/gme1204

Reviews

[Coyote Poetry]

A amazing opening chapter. Now I want to know the who, what, where, why and how of the story. I liked the main character and the lead to the strong ending. Thank you for sharing the entertaining chapter.
Coyote

[TheShadowsWithin]

I'm so glad you like it.

[Coyote Poetry]

I did. A worthwhile read.

[Kathrin S]

A strong idea for a story, and I think for the most part well executed. I really liked:
- How you reveal enough about the situation for us to understand what is going on, but not too much so we don't get bored quickly. There's still a lot of mystery, which is good.
- How you use relatively short sentences. It's more interesting and easier to follow.
- That you begin with action and not with storytelling.

Suggestions:
Stylistically, you can still work on making it stronger. Some examples from the beginning:
- "a few seconds after (she) landed" - you can cut out the 'soon' because if you say it happened a few seconds ago, we automatically know that it was son.
- "It felt like ..." that sentence felt strange to me, I'd maybe change it.
- "carried down to Melanie" - here, you can substitute 'Melanie' with 'her'. Read through your entire chapter and try to substitute some of the repetition of her name. It's stated too many times.
- "catch sight", not "catch the sight".

As I said, too much repetition of her name. We know who you're talking about since there's only one girl/woman involved.

The last sentence needs to be re-worked in my opinion.

Keep working on it, I like the idea and you could really make something out of it.

[TheShadowsWithin]

Thank you for your feedback. I will take your suggestions into consideration. Thank you for pointing out that I repeated her name too much, I don't know how I didn't catch that :)

[JayG]

You, the author, are telling the story to the reader, in the voice of a dispassionate outside observer. So the reader is being informed of what happens, but the voice doing so is a monotone, because while you can tell the reader how she speaks a line of dialog, you cannot tell them how you would perform the narration. So tone, intensity, cadence, and all the ways a storyteller adds emotion to the telling never make it to the page.

You hear it clearly, as you read, but that's because you can perform for yourself. But can the reader see the gestures you use to visually punctuate? Can they see the rueful head-shake, the closed eyes and heartfelt sigh that tell how the protagonist reacts emotionally? No. Nor can they hear the emotion in your voice, because the page cannot reproduce either sound or vision. And talking ABOUT what happens is a report, as exciting as any history book. Fact follows fact, immutable, removing all uncertainty of the future—informing a reader who comes to us hoping to be entertained.

In other words, you're telling the story from the outside in. But suppose you tell the story from HER viewpoint, as she experiences it, in the moment of time she calls now? Then, you'll be presenting it from the inside out, and the reader will know the sceneas she does, not as you do. Place them in that moment and the future becomes uncertain. We know what she feels she has to do. We know the things that go into her decision to speak and act. But we WON'T know if it works until our "now" moves forward. And that gives a reader something to speculate on and worry about. Done right, a horror tale doesn't make the reader know the protagonist is terrified, it terrifies the reader. And that's what readers want us to do. They want to experience, not just know.

Look at your first line:

"She watched the gray flakes settle on the ground by her knees. The ashes of her home were swept up by the wind, whisked away to the unknown." Because the viewpoint is yours you missed that the ashes can't settle on the ground by her knees and be swept up at the same time by the wind. One requires calm and the other removes them before they can settle.

But that aside, it's a report. She's not thinking. She's not involved. She's watching. So what?

I don't say that to be unkind, I mean it literally. If I don't know what it means to her it's a detail that adds nothing because I don't yet know her, what's going on, or where I am in time and space enough to care. So you need to take that into account, and either add something that gives context as we read, or start at a point that will give context.

From your viewpoint, she has age, background, needs, aspirations, and more. So you place yourself emotionally into her mind-state as you read the first words, which is something your reader can't do.

This article on why telling from the inside out helps, may clarify: https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/2015/05/13/inside-out-the-grumpy-writing-coach/

The next article to it, titled, A Mirror for the mind may clarify why we need to make the reader experience, rather then just know the events. Those two articles, and the others there, are written for the newer writer, and people have told me they found them helpful.

Bear in mind that nothing I said reflects on you, your talent and potential, or the story. Nor is it a matter of good/bad writing. It's one of having the tools unique to, and necessary for, our medium.

We leave school believing we know how to write, never realizing that we learned only nonfiction techniques, as part of a general set of skills that prepare us for employment, and that fiction, whose goal is to entertain, not inform, requires additional skills that weren't even mentioned as existing.

Not great news, I know. But it's something we all face, and it's pretty well expected of any profession that there are skills that must be mastered that are unique to that field. And in this case, since we know that you mastered the nonfiction skills successfully, you can do the same with those of fiction for the printed word.

The public library's fiction writing section can be a huge, and free resource. My personal suggestion is to pick up either Dwight Swain's, Techniques of the Selling Writer, or Debra Dixon's, GMC: Goal Motivation & Conflict.

Swain's book is a university level text, which goes into great detail, and so can be a bit dry for some people. It is, however, the best I've found. Deb's book is a warm easy read, though not as complete. Eventually, I'd read both, because there are features unique to each. Whichever one you choose, I'd take my time reading it, and allow plenty of time to think about each point, and practice/perfect it so you can use it and understand it before moving on—making it part of your toolkit, not something to "know and forget." Then, after six months of using the knowledge, read it again (or the other one). Knowing where the ideas are going, you'll learn as much the second time as you did the first.

Neither book will make a pro of you. That's your job. But they can give you the tools, the knowledge of how to use them, and what they can do for you.

Any tool can be discarded. But you cannot use the tool you're not aware exists. Mark Twain put it well when he said, “It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.”

Hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[TheShadowsWithin]

Thank you so much for the honest feedback. I don't know how I missed that mistake on the first line. I do admit, I haven't paid much attention to the character, more of what's around them... But I have had maybe a few hours with Melanie, and that's it. I intend to practice a bit more with emotions and stuff, and your feedback has reminded me to get started on that. Thank you again.