Reborn

How a seemingly simple event turned me into someone new.

An open letter to everyone, with only one or two people truly in mind-

Stress had been piling on me, weighing me down 

I was closer to the center of earth than hopefully you will ever be

We talked for a couple hours, I let my lips loosen so you could get a glimpse into my mind.

You're one of the few I can trust with it.

Anxiety tossed me the way you toss a salad. Carelessly.

An enjoyable day turned into a panic attack in the diner bathroom

I couldn't explain right then and there why I was gone.

But sitting in your car I came to some clarity.

Somehow I trained myself to no longer feel.

That's too dangerous. 

So, my subconscious, being as protective as it is, put everything I was supposed to feel and shoved it into a bottle.

Then it took that bottle and threw it out to the sea, never to be seen again.

It was cold, clear censorship. It hurt me so terribly

So I spilled everything to you. By some miracle the waves brought back the bottle, and I ripped the cork top off.

I let you in on my dirty little secrets, even though you've heard some of them a thousand times.

I'm repetitive and dramatic, I know.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that by withholding everything, I left you in the dark.

That I became someone different, a shell of the man I promised to become.

But he said it best. He may love me, but he deserves a right to be happy too

You know. You deserve the same thing.

You can try to protect me, but in the end you will get tired of me.

Eventually you will want to be happy. You will need to put yourself first.

I'm trying to push that process along.

So eventually I calmed down, and I started to shake like I was freezing 

No, I was just a little anxious. Close to tears as you told me what I needed to hear.

Something that means more to me than anything ever has.

I value your opinion the same way I would value an oasis in the middle of a desert.

Hearing you brought a wave of reassurance and love that restarted my soul

I told you I felt better.

It's crazy how you don't realize how close you are to dying until you are rejuvenated

That's when it hit

I suddenly stopped thinking about the future, I forgot the past.

It was beautiful.

We sat in your car on a Sunday night, parked in some random guy's car spot,

at my apartment 

My head went blank. The same way my mind would go blank while I was high

The same way it went blank when I decided to end my life

Those were comfortable, but something was different about this 

It felt like a real, permanent solution

I stopped overthinking, and I just did

While I was in the middle of this realization,

you suggested we walk by the pool,

because I observed that the door was unlocked and swinging in the wind

We walked and I was laughing, smiling

It was pure bliss

Then I got the most brilliant idea.

I decided to jump into the pool, because why not?

Now, even I thought I was kidding

I stripped my shoes, belt, sweater

Took out my lucky charm, wallet, earrings, and watch

Then finally my four leaf clover necklace

I approached the pool, wondering if I could pull off a front flip

With each step closer, I told myself,

"You're going to b***h out, you're going to b***h-"

And I hit the water.

It was cold, but I forced my eyes open when I hit the bottom

Everything was silent.

Every part of me felt calm, collected

Like I had finally done something right

The lights reflected every which way in the water

A dark blue 

It was theatrical

When I broke the surface, shock set in

Believe it or not, your body isn't supposed to be submerged in ice cold water

I tried to call out to you, but could only get out

"It's c-c-c-c-c-c"

My jaw locked up, my lungs lost air, and I panic swam to the stairs

You were just as surprised as I was,

and I waddled my way to the spa to prevent hypothermia

Once again, I felt so much joy well up in my heart

You went to go get a towel from my mom, and I mentioned that she was going to kill me

When you came back, I left the spa waiting for the wind to chill my bones again

Surprisingly, I felt nothing

I asked you for a hug, just so I could get you wet too

You backed away, but eventually you gave in

I embraced you, laughing

I then stripped my pants, shirt, and socks in order to dry faster

After all, my body could not tell the difference between cold and hot

It just tingled when the wind hit my skin

I felt alive, I felt free

You mentioned it being cold, and I just laughed

It was a simple, stupid act

But something changed that night

I get goosebumps thinking back to the euphoria I experienced

I owe you a million thanks

Because you think you may have just said a few words and listened to mine

But it changed everything, somehow