An Open Letter to Sashi

An open letter to Sashi

How did I feel about you?

Fragments of red-tinged bursts of sanity

Fingertips tipped with regret 

Anger passes too quickly for me.

Anger settling in to fill the empty crevasse in me and

I just want to lose myself in feeling

To feel right.

Morality is a war

And I just want to fight. 

Why can’t I be right?

Why?

Does regret hit me like a punch to the stomach

Why?

Can’t I look you in the eyes?

I didn’t know how much you’d fear me

There’s a million ways for me to say forgive me.

And a million more to hurt

And,

Seeing tear tracks slide down indomitable marble that I mistook for simple rainfall 

So,

I never stopped to wipe them off.

Please,

What made you look at me that way?

What jab? What punch?

What did I throw at you so that you’d look at me with that hate in your eyes?

And your

Voice is overwhelming me, pushing aside your tears that are drowning me

Why do I just want to drown?

My voice screams at me, at you who has been hurt by me

“Why do you just want to drown!”

I want quiet rushing into my ears and in my mouth so I can fight for my life and feel right

so I won’t have to try and remember what your cries sound like

And,

I’m left with my red-tipped hands

A crusader without a place to stand

Blood on my hands and our world in two,

The anger recesses and I’m left with every empty corner inside.

I turn to you,

Why?

Does your persistence hurt me?

Why?

Can’t I be forgiven too?

Why? 

Can’t you just leave me to fester?

And,

Sashi,

Do you think I hate you?

You were supposed to look up to me

Not up to my mistakes so you know what not to do

I poked and prodded you

Pushed and belittled you

Until you pushed back and started swinging 

Swinging harder and you’ve never stopped

And now I’m bruised and broken on the ground and I’m looking up to you

And I see every mistake that I swear I’ll never redo

Sashi

I don’t hate you

I can’t hate you

Oh god, why can’t I hate you?

Why can’t I be as righteous as you?

Why can’t I be as angry as you?

I turn to you, 

questions bubbled on my lips,

Bursting acidic on your skin

Even in regret I still hurt you.

I ask you:

Why do I struggle and lie to you?

I ask you:

Why do I never try with you?

I ask you:

Why can’t I let myself…

And I’ve done everything we can

But you’re the one who had to let go 

I’m done with,

Fragments of red-tinged bursts of sanity

Fingertips tipped with regret.

Anger passes too quickly for me.