6. Hope

"Maybe an angel is taking care of me"

I looked at my mum when she asked me did I want to come home? I did not understand that she was suddenly wanting me to come home after she refused when I really needed it. Of course, I wanted to go home. I never wanted to see that school again. The problem was that people would think that I was a failure if I came home. I suppose that I still had pride. I begged to come home before and was ignored. I would not beg again.

I did tell a friend Timmy what it was like at the boarding school. I admitted to being teased and even punched. Timmy did not understand this as he said I was popular at the old school. He told me that not many dared admit they were a Madonna fan. It was almost as if he did not believe in the troubles I had

When was at home again, I was on my bed listening to the radio and looking at all the posters I had of Madonna. Madonna did things differently than others. She was not afraid to provoke. Of course, her provocation kept her in the press, but Madonna was not afraid of what she wore or how she acted. She was called rude and gross, as well as a bimbo, but that did not stop her. She did not play the victim and this made her more of a social rebel.

It was time that I stopped being the rebel. I had to accept I was different. I had to be the person I was proud to be. So I decided that one main reason why everyone bullied me was my image. It was time to change my image and show them who I really was. I went through my mother's jewelry and took some chains and crosses that she never used. I was only borrowing them! Then I used safety clips and put them on my denim coat. So in the end, my coat was full of chains and crosses.

I then fixed my hair where I made it look like a mess. I used my mother's curler to make curls in the back. I was not happy yet. I used some mascara on my eyes and wore the jeans I wore the first day (the ones with the flowers sewn in)

I was happy and ready to go back to school. If they wanted to talk about me, they would now have something to talk about!

Kieran was shocked to see me. I was smiling as he stood there for a few minutes not knowing what to say. Then he said that the new unisex look was quite provoking and yet suited my personality. This made me smile. Kieran was one of those that dressed traditionally and our fathers could have dressed the same as he did.

The other boys also stood there thinking of what they should say. I knew they would start teasing, but it was fun that they were so shocked that they had to think of what to say. It was Declan that was the first to speak, he did not like that I was now friends with Kieran. He said in a voice that was loud enough for everyone to hear that he did not know if I was a boy or a girl. It was certain that he was trying to gain some points with the others as he tried to tease and humiliate me. I do not know why I finally stood up for my self, but I asked if his grandmother was missing the clothes that he wore. This made everyone laugh.

The new image and the rebuke with Declan did not redeem me and suddenly make me popular. However, it did give me confidence. I knew I dressed differently and I knew that I would never get many friends. However, I was friends with Kieran and even at times, Declan would tolerate me. I think that the fact that I was not alone helped me when I was teased and even shoved or punched. It meant that someone did not think that I was totally weird. It meant that someone understood me.

Another boy joined our little group. His name was Justin, He was a loner and spent most of the time by himself. Like myself, he was at the bottom of the school hierarchy. This meant that people talked about him, but never to his face. If they did they would get punched or something worse. This gave Justin a strange image, as he was feared and yet he was looked down at. The headmaster wanted nothing more than to find an excuse to expel Justin. Even this threat didn't bother Justin. He hated school!

I was not afraid of Justin, He was funny and seen things in a way that I did not. He was a great believer in that one should be true to one's self, and not act or pretend to be someone else because it will mean you will be liked. Kieran also liked Justin while Declan did not. We decided that we would form our own little group. We would be the misfits of the school.

Things changed at school however the others could see I was happier and this meant that they did their best to be eviler when they saw me. The two little boys were also trying to tease me. One day they asked me did I use a baby bottle and a pacifier because I had a diaper on when I slept. I screamed like a mad man and raised my fist and chased them around. I do not think I would have hit them, but they did not know that. They never bothered me again.

I now agreed with my parents that I would go home every second week. Kieran and Justin went home every weekend. This was when the old life came back. I would feel so alone and just walked a lot or studied a lot. I would even speak with myself which was probably a bad sign. The others would tease and hit me and this all made the weekends like hell.

Brother Francis tried talking to me and to tell me that things were fine. He had a theory that the bedwetting was psychological because of the way I was treated by the others. His theory was confirmed when I said that I did not have a problem when I went home. I did not understand his theory. He asked me if I ever did use the pacifier I found on my bed. I admitted that I now had a few pacifiers and they helped me to sleep. Brother Francis smiled at this and said that it was a form of regression. I felt safe as a baby and acted like one to escape reality.

While Brother Francis was nice, the other Brothers were not. Brother Aiden kept reminding me that I let the school down because I was not in the choir or the musical. Some of the other Brothers asked why I dressed the way I did if I wanted to join a religious order. Some even suspected that I used mascara.

Things became very bad when Justin and I went for a walk after school one day. We sat on the bench that I sat on months before and I told Justin about the lady that I met here when things were at its worse. This made Justin smile and say that she must have been an angel. I did not smile at this, as I really thought that she could have been an angel!

The next day, all hell broke loose. Someone saw us sitting in the park and expanded this by saying that we were kissing each other. I sighed when I heard this and thought that if I wanted to kiss a boy, I would not do it in public! The other boys could not see this. They were now convinced that I was gay and Justin was my boyfriend. This was probably the teasing that effected me the most while I was at this school. I could understand that they called me a princess, but I did not want a boyfriend. I was also confused about why this did not sadden Justin. His only comment was to ignore them. We knew what happened and we did not do anything gay. This was not good enough for me. I wanted everyone to know that we were innocent.

It did make me think if I was gay. At this time, being gay was something taboo and considered either a perversion or a sickness. I started asking myself do I consider some boys cute or did I look at boys in school showers. I became more and more depressed because the others kept on calling me gay. I was starting to believe it!

One night, the “misfits” were walking on the school grounds. I liked these walks when things were dark and only the moon and stars lit the way. For some reason, we found ourselves on a shed roof. When it was time to climb down, I thought it was not that far down, so I jumped. I twisted my ankle.

I was even bullied about this. I was given crutches and told not to walk on the ankle. However, I could not figure out how to use crutches. The other boys teased that I was just faking that my ankle was sprained. This did not sadden me as I understood them that it looked strange that I did not really use the crutches. However, I did not like being called a faker. I did not use the crutches and walked in pain until it was healed, which probably was a long time.

One great thing did happen to me at this time. On my way home, there was always a girl from the girl's school. It was love at first sight. She was the most beautiful girl that I ever did see. I would sit behind her, so I could look at her. We never did speak with each other. I just sat there and adored her. It was a sign to me that I was not gay, as I never did feel this way around a boy!

I was in the chapel once more, where I sat down looking at Jesus on the cross. I was not in tears this time.

“God, I am still bullied and teased, but I now have a few friends and do not feel all alone. I feel like I have friends that will support me and make me feel normal. I feel accepted by them and this has given me hope. I know the bullying will not stop and I can deal with this. I feel like during the time of darkness, that you were with me and took some of the pain I had on your shoulders. Now you blessed me with good friends. I would like to thank you for this.”

Stay tuned for the Final Chapter