My Darkest Thoughts As Of 11/11/14
A Poem by The StoryTeller
 Just um, its very dark. It's my darkest thoughts as of this point in time. I haven't written them down before this date, nor after it. It just helps me putting it out there. I guess. 
{Why do I feel so alone when I'm surrounded by so many? {Death is the only way out... {How can someone love me? {I'm a monster... {For some reason, I don't care... {Could I just cut my wrists? Stab myself? Hang? I could do it... It would be so easy... The pain would be nothing... Not to what I'm feeling now... People would miss me... But so what? Like I said, for some reason, I don't care... Is something wrong with me? {No one sees me... {The Gothics of the Romantic Era (or currently) wold love me... Maybe I should write like that... But I guess I already do. {Love... Why? Why can't I have it? {I will never get to experience life like everyone else... {Death has always been an easy out... so enticing... {Wish I could be happy... Like everyone else... {Beauty in death? Very much so... Death's loving caress... The only one I'll ever feel... {Wouldn't the world be better off without me? {Why the f**k can't I be happy? I see everyone else laughing... Joking... They have beautiful lives... Mine's destroyed... How can I salvage... Anything from it? My life is one big 9/11 to me... To me theirs is the Golden Age. {What's the point of living now? No longer so happy and go lucky now that you see... The world how it really is... And always will be... For you. {People probably think you're a lost cause. {People are terrified of you. {I could kill someone... And if I just shut off my humanity... And ignored it... Like I usually do... Feel nothing... All of which is so easy for me to do... I could do it... And not even bat an eye. {I'm terrified of me... of this new me I've made as an armor for the younger child me... This warrior I've created to protect me... I've lost control... And even when I had it he corrupted me... Ever so slowly... Only the little kid me is still untainted... And this warrior is a killer... Unfeeling... Nonhuman... A monster... And part of me... Therefore... Because it's my other half... It's me.
© 2015 The StoryTeller
Author's Note
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I don't have these thoughts anymore, or at least not as many and not as often. This was my true feelings and thoughts, things I've believed about myself but always pushed away. It was just easier to feel them and put them into words at the time because I was in a very, very low deep dark depression. I have depression a lot, but usually not that bad. This at the time was what I thought about myself and excuses to make myself want to kill myself. As you can see, I didn't. I decided I needed to post this partly because I just did, and if you hate me or are disgusted or can't take my writing anymore, I understand. The other reason is I made a poem out of these thoughts to better express how I feel. Anyways, if I decide I need anything else to tell you about this I'll edit this or put it in my own comment. As you comment just tell me what comes to your mind after you read this. And please, if you still want to read my writing after this, read the poem, "No One Sees" that is made from this.
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Reviews
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I am 47 and I still have these dark moments. Sometimes I cuddle with my demons, other times I wrestle with them but rarely do I set them free.
Posted 9 Years Ago
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9 Years Ago
That's my problem, because in the past I set them free all the time while cuddling with them, and no.. read moreThat's my problem, because in the past I set them free all the time while cuddling with them, and now I am cuddling with them, when I want to wrestle with them.
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9 Years Ago
I understand the dilemma all too well...
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9 Years Ago
Yeah, and I hate it. I'm trying so hard to balance them out now, but they've gotten so strong.
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But the Golden Era eventually came to an end...
The happiest people don't have the best of things, Blade.
They make the best of things.
Posted 9 Years Ago
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9 Years Ago
Yes, it eventually does, but being stuck in the Dark Ages seeing their Golden Era's that doesn't rea.. read moreYes, it eventually does, but being stuck in the Dark Ages seeing their Golden Era's that doesn't really matter.... listen to me, I'm kind of in the same dark spot Eminem was. If he could make it out and talk about it in songs (Guts Over Fear, Beautiful, Not Afraid, Beautiful Pain) I guess I can too, and I guess I can make the best of things. I didn't really understand your second line though.
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9 Years Ago
Yeah, I had a typo. Fixed it. :P
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9 Years Ago
Oh, okay, yeah I guess that is true, happiness is what you make it... So, I'm going to make it you. .. read moreOh, okay, yeah I guess that is true, happiness is what you make it... So, I'm going to make it you. I'm going to make it my friends on here. I'm going to make it my writing. I'm going to make it the friends I do have that see the real me, not the tons that are "friends" and only see my masks. I'm going to make it day to day, and I'm going to make happiness as I should see it. And you are too. :))
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9 Years Ago
Whoa, that was deep. :o
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9 Years Ago
Yeah, don't miss the part where I said you are too.
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9 Years Ago
Eh. I don't know what emotions feel like anymore, unless numb counts.
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9 Years Ago
But you can re-learn. And no, it doesn't. Numb isn't an emotion, it's either a lack of emotion or an.. read moreBut you can re-learn. And no, it doesn't. Numb isn't an emotion, it's either a lack of emotion or an overload of emotion. Like you're broken inside and nothing can hurt you anymore... you just don't care enough, and nothing is as bad as everything that has happened altogether... and you feel like you're stuck there, but you're not. You can re-learn to feel. You just have to put in the effort and have care from other people. Like me, your friends on here, and your comrade. If we give you care, then it's up to you to trust us, and over time, you'll start to feel again. It's just a long process.
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9 Years Ago
It's hard to trust people when all your life, people have betrayed your trust...
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9 Years Ago
I did it. You can too. Take my hand and try.
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9 Years Ago
But what if I fall?
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9 Years Ago
You might, but it's not how hard you fall, it's how you get back up again. Why not try? In this mome.. read moreYou might, but it's not how hard you fall, it's how you get back up again. Why not try? In this moment we are infinite. And I can tell you all about why you should do it, but until you accept it you'll keep asking me questions, trying to find excuses. By the way, you should listen to this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1wJlbpL5rY
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9 Years Ago
The only thing that's keeping me from being myself is my own family. I can't fix that.
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9 Years Ago
Yeah, you can't fix your FAMILY. (I would've italicized that if I could, but instead I capitalized) .. read moreYeah, you can't fix your FAMILY. (I would've italicized that if I could, but instead I capitalized) But you can fix YOU. You can be YOU no matter what your FAMILY says because YOU have free will. Here's a quote: "Man never made anything as resilient and indomitable as the human spirit." And that's true, he didn't. But God did. God made us, our soul, our spirit the strongest force. Even when you think you're broken, you aren't yet. Maybe because you're still here. You're still somewhat fighting, just by being alive.
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9 Years Ago
I don't want to disappoint anyone with my presence... if I strive to make the best of my life, I can.. read moreI don't want to disappoint anyone with my presence... if I strive to make the best of my life, I can ruin someone else's life. I don't want to do that. I don't want to be a failure - not again...
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9 Years Ago
You can be the best of you and not do that... I can't tell you how, only you know, but I'm serious, .. read moreYou can be the best of you and not do that... I can't tell you how, only you know, but I'm serious, you can. And you won't be a failure... I'm here with you.
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9 Years Ago
A... Alright.
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9 Years Ago
Don't worry, I'm holding your hand through this. And God has both of us in his hand. Even if we fall.. read moreDon't worry, I'm holding your hand through this. And God has both of us in his hand. Even if we fall... lol, I love quotes. Ok, so here's two: 1.) "It's not how hard you fall, it's how you get back up." 2.) "When God brings you to a cliff, you have to trust him and jump. Either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly." Not saying that catching won't be rough, but it will be full of love, and will teach you something. Later on in life, you'll be able to look back and see how it affected you and others now, and made you better. But don't worry, I have you, and He has us. You can talk to me whenever you need too also.
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9 Years Ago
No problem, I'm here, whenever, however, and whyever you may need me. Lol, I think I just quoted my .. read moreNo problem, I'm here, whenever, however, and whyever you may need me. Lol, I think I just quoted my poem, "You May" without trying... I guess I've found another person it can apply too. :)
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9 Years Ago
You believe it applies to me? A hidden, concealed human being within a crowd of people in comas?
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9 Years Ago
Yep. And you can wake up from your coma:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foj3lB7vtDo
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9 Years Ago
I never realized it, but yeah...
Sleep is a living hell. You can't really live when you're in.. read moreI never realized it, but yeah...
Sleep is a living hell. You can't really live when you're in a world of your own, can you?
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9 Years Ago
Nope, especially not when you're numb, not trying to break out, trying to feel, trying to be happy, .. read moreNope, especially not when you're numb, not trying to break out, trying to feel, trying to be happy, trying to LIVE.
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9 Years Ago
You just end up killing yourself trying to live a life in a faded world...
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9 Years Ago
Yes, you do, because that world really suffocates you even though you think it protects you. It is c.. read moreYes, you do, because that world really suffocates you even though you think it protects you. It is crucial to wake up. That song says that. Common sense says that. Human nature says that. The Bible says that in 1 John if I remember correctly. God says that. Yet it is so easy to lose sight of it.
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9 Years Ago
Could you help me wake up?
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9 Years Ago
Yes. I will be here with you every step of the way.
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9 Years Ago
T...Thank you... again...
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9 Years Ago
No problem. :)
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Writing is indeed something that always makes you feel lighter...We all have ups and downs in our lives be it really bad ones...but I guess we should never think of finishing ourselves...God has given us 1 life and thats for a reason...he gives us problems which are probably for a reason....We ask God to change our situation not knowing that He put us in the situation to change us...to make us strong...just believe in god and have faith that whatever he does is good for us...he know whats better n right for us...trust me when I say this...I have experienced it! Nothing actually in this world has the power to put you down except you yourself! Stay positive Stay Happy! :)
Regards Anahat :)
Posted 9 Years Ago
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9 Years Ago
Thank you for reviewing! :) And yeah, I think that's something I need to remember more often. It's e.. read moreThank you for reviewing! :) And yeah, I think that's something I need to remember more often. It's easy to remember now, just harder later. But it's funny, I read this quote once, it said, "Don't
tell your God how big your storm is, tell your storm how big your God is." That and I believe disaster and pain is God's way of testing us, will we bow to him and completely surrender to his will? It also prob sets us up for later in life so we can help someone else. :)
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9 Years Ago
yes exctly..n I love that quote too! So be strong n happy!
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9 Years Ago
Lol, sounds good, besides, how can I not between friends and family and poetry and all my readers ou.. read moreLol, sounds good, besides, how can I not between friends and family and poetry and all my readers out here, all my new friends I've made off of my 1 week on this site? XD I can't believe I've only been on this particular site 1 week. I've already got lots posted, have received a ton of comments, given a ton, and got a lot of read requests. :) Well, I guess I better get started on them! I'm still reading and commenting on all yours though, no matter what.
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9 Years Ago
hehe thats kind of you! Will wait for your reviews and will try n review all of yours as soon as I c.. read morehehe thats kind of you! Will wait for your reviews and will try n review all of yours as soon as I can! Yeah you are very right in sying this...you have to be btween all of us :)
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9 Years Ago
Lol, you don't have to review my stuff. :) There's lots of others out there. :) But if you want thou.. read moreLol, you don't have to review my stuff. :) There's lots of others out there. :) But if you want though. I'll definitely get yours (all) done first before I do others (all). I might read some of theirs in between now and then. Lol, I logged in today and couldn't believe my eyes, I had 6 read requests and a bunch of comments and replies to comments.
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9 Years Ago
hehee thats great indeed! N ofcourse i will review no matter what haha! I still have 227 read reques.. read morehehee thats great indeed! N ofcourse i will review no matter what haha! I still have 227 read requests pending..lol..not getting time sinc long!
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9 Years Ago
Lol, well, thank you. And you can read those 227 before mine too. :P But what am I saying? That's en.. read moreLol, well, thank you. And you can read those 227 before mine too. :P But what am I saying? That's entirely up to you.
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9 Years Ago
Lol, well, I'm a strong believer in free will, due to my past soooo....
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Added on January 21, 2015
Last Updated on January 21, 2015
Author
The StoryTellerThe place of life and happiness., OH
About
I'm changing my name from The Resilient One to The Storyteller and trying to start fresh... believing in myself, believing in others, making this new personality I want to have... I guess I was alread.. more..
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