I called time and stepped out.
"Anybody feel that?" I said. "It's a f****n' quake! It's the big one!"
Ump backs out and f****n' immediately calls the police, there are fans, behind me, and they hear what I say, and, f**k, they're f*****g losing it. Maybe they were there for the first one, or, like, because of terror, but they are losing it. They are weeping, just weeping. One of them, this man, he's just stricken. Stricken. Frozen with fear. Ok, so, f**k, I know I fucked up.
I grab the ump, and I'm like, "It was a f*****g joke, ump. I'm sorry, like...I thought this was San Francisco, Home of Jokes." He clutches his heart, and, like, I mean, there's panic in the stadium. People are trying to get out because of social media and everything. It's crazy. So, the game is called. The ump was fine.
The next f*****g day, I mean, it's everywhere, of course. Just, like, huge news. It was on twitter or whatever as an earthquake, and then people were saying it was a terrorist attack, and then people were saying it was an earthquake caused by terrorists. This was in, like, I don't know, fifteen seconds? Me making the joke, and then the ump calling the cops, and everyone behind me in the stands just, like, freaking out? It was, like, fifteen seconds.
So the Mayor of San Francisco, the next day, I have to go to this thing downtown. At city hall. I'm still in my baseball uniform! The mayor is there, and everyone is pissed off. So pissed off. To me, like, it was a joke. F**k, it wasn't a good joke, but, like, I don't know. The mayor drags me out in front of everybody, and everybody is pissed. He makes this proclamation about how I ripped the scab off the '89 Quake, and how awful I was for what I'd done to the people of San Francisco, all of this s**t, like on and on. I guess people were really f*****g scared.
I'm sentenced to prison! He sentences me right there and boom I'm in prison! I guess mayors can do this? This thing with the mayor, like, it was fucked up. There was bunting everywhere. Boom. I'm in f*****g prison.
They put me in with this guy, and later, like, at night time, he's like, "Hey, you're the guy that made that joke, right?"
And I'm like, "Yeah."
He leans in a bit and he's like, "Check this out. You'll think this is funny," and he pulls this box out from under his bed and there's a human head in it, like, a new dead head. It looked brand new, but like, y'know? Dead.
I was like, "Holy s**t, man."
Then later I was thinking and like, our jokes were basically the same.
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