Breaking the Habit

Written for my creative writing class. Got a very positive review from my teacher. Read the summary under finished stories. Please R&R

 

Breaking the Habit

 

 

           

 

It was two hours away from the mall’s 9:30PM closing curfew. The crowd was thinning out, which was strange for a Friday night, especially with it raining outside. Then again, the condition of the roads could be the reason why it’s so deserted.

            James and his group were now walking through the center of the mall. His best friend Mark walked ahead hand in hand with his girlfriend of four months, Lisa. James walked beside Melanie, with his hands in his jacket pocket, trying to pay no attention to the sometimes awkwardly displayed affection that was presented in front of him.

Melanie had caught James’ eye about a month and a half ago. Even though he had been told and sensed it himself that Melanie liked him, he was still a little timid of making a move. Anyone who knew James rarely saw the shy personality trait in him. Normally, he was outspoken and very opinionated.

            Mark turned around, and looked at his two subjects, knowing that he and Lisa were probably going to have to do plenty of pushing tonight for these two “So, the plan is to walk around for the next half hour and see the movie at 8:00, right?” Mark asked.

            “Wow, he remembered our existence back here,” James, said sarcastically, attacking the constant kissing and conversation, he shared with Lisa. Melanie giggled at his sarcasm. Mark just turned back around, lifted his arm a little ways into the air and flipped him the finger. “Thanks buddy and yes for the tenth time, that is the plan.”

            “What store should we go to first?”

            “We’ll figure it out when we find one,” James decided.

            The group walked in the same order as it had before, passing numerous stores that didn’t catch their interest while the 8:00 deadline for their movie was rapidly approaching.

            “Does this mall have any good stores?” James asked annoyed at not being able to find a somewhat interesting store.

            “Oooh!” exclaimed Melanie. Her eyes spied the Wet Seal store at the end of the hallway. She pointed towards the store and said, “Let’s go there.”

            “Are you kidding me?” asked James. “You’re not into that trashy crap are you?”

            “Not everything there is trashy, James,” Melanie said reluctantly, surprised at his tone. Somehow, Melanie had been able to settle his sometime argumentative and obnoxious personality, but obviously not all of it.

            “Anyone who walks into that store might as well wear a sign saying ‘I have no respect for my body or myself’,” James preached.

            Mark and Lisa, who by now had turned around, were watching the scene that threatened everything, especially knowing James, who had a hard time letting go of a topic when you got him started. Even when the other involved has given up and accepted his opinion, he continued on trying to change their opinion. It was a negative trait to James.

            “You think I have no respect for myself?” Melanie yelled angrily. “Have you seen me ever wear anything that even looks like I lack respect for myself?”

            “Then why do you want to go in there if you respect yourself so much?”

            “Just to look. I never said I was going to buy anything you jerk.”

            Finally, Lisa decided to intervene, offering a solution, “Why don’t you and Mark stay out here and Melanie and I will go in. We’ll be out in a little while.”

            Neither Melanie nor James said anything. Lisa, with Melanie behind her, walked over to Mark, gave him a kiss and whispered into his ear, “Talk to him. Try to get him to calm down a little.” Mark nodded and the two girls proceeded into the store.

            He walked over towards James. James spoke first, “Can you believe her?”

            “What are you talking about James? You started it. You can’t go around and try to change everyone’s opinion about everything, especially when it’s someone you like, like Melanie. You’re not going to agree on everything. It’s not possible and honestly, it just makes everything kinda boring if you did,” Mark spoke truthfully.

            “I know I can’t but I honestly just despise that store and there was no way that I was going to step foot into that store. I hate it so much.”

            James was hard to break through, but Mark continued trying, “Yeah, I know. I hate it too, but you can’t snap at her just because you don’t like it. You just politely say you’re going to sit outside and wait. It’s not that hard. You just need to break that habit. I mean, if you’re going to be in a relationship with someone, you can’t always expect things to go your way. It’s give and take. Can you handle that?”

            “I don’t know,” James said calmly and silently. He was unsure of himself at the moment and worried that he had screwed up tonight.

            Mark sighed. “Listen, you have to make a decision now before they come back out. Do you still like her even though you have differences, which every couple has? If you do you can just go about your plan for tonight, but if you don’t, you have to stop leading her on. It’s not fair to you or her. Now which is it?”

            James thought quietly before answering softly, “I like her.”

            Mark smiled and patted his friend on the back. “Good. Glad to hear it.”

            James sighed, “I screwed up didn’t I? You don’t think she’s having second thoughts about me do you?”

            “You didn’t screw up. These things happen. As for the second question, Melanie isn’t one to be to full of herself. She knows people have flaws. Her head isn’t filled up with pride, so she won’t give up because of one fight. But, you need to calm down a little bit.”

            “I know and I’ll try.”

            “Good.”

            Melanie and Lisa returned back to them, empty handed as Melanie had said would happen. Lisa gave Mark a kiss and asked, “Ready for the movie?”

            The other three nodded and then started walking towards the movie theater in the same way they had the whole night; Mark and Lisa in the front, hand in hand and Melanie and James behind them. The air seemed tense around Melanie and James. The silence was thick and they hardly even looked at one another.

            The silence was more than he could bare and he suddenly stopped walking. Melanie took a few more steps before stopping as well, letting Mark and Lisa continue on walking.

            “Listen,” James said, breaking the silence, “I’m sorry for attacking you about the store. I – just can’t stand that store. I hate to think that girls would even dress like that. It kinda makes me sick.”    

            “Just because I wanted to go in doesn’t mean I was going to buy anything or start wearing anything from there,” Melanie said calmly. “I was just looking. I had no intention of buying anything. But I can understand what you don’t like about that store and why you said something, but you didn’t have to scream.”

            “I know, I know. I’m sorry,” he apologized. “I’m going to try and change that aspect of me for you. I promise.”

            Melanie smiled. “I’ll hold ya to that you know.”

            “I’m sure you will,” he said returning her smile with his own.

They slowly opened up their arms and gave each other a hug as if it was the finalization of his promise. His head sat on top of hers. He noticed the scent of her hair which made him feel like he was nine feet in the air and her heated touch that made him feel warm inside and out. He looked up and saw that Mark and Lisa had stopped at the corner of the hallway and were looking back at them smiling. James smiled back.

“We better go catch up with them,” he said, still holding her in his arms, “their waiting for us at the corner up there.”

“I’m sure they are,” she laughed.

The hug finally broke apart and they started down towards where Mark and Lisa waited. This time, James had his hands outside of his pockets, swinging next to him as he walked. On their way towards their friends, Melanie grabbed his right hand with her left. Their fingers meshed together nicely. He looked down at her and smiled. She brushed a strand of her hair out of her face and returned his smile with her own.

The four of them, came together once again and continued towards the movie theater. James knew what he had to do; both tonight and for what he hoped to be the next step on the relationship ladder with Melanie. However, the easier of the two he knew would come into action sometime tonight in the movie theater.

 

           

Reviews

[Melissa]

I like this. (And I personally adore Wet Seal--I agree with Melanie: not everything there is trashy!--but I won't hold that against you. :] ) The whole guy-changing-for-a-girl bit is a little idealistic, but it's uplifting and sweet. I really love the hug scene; the details are really great.

A few punctuation things:

Right before the first line of dialogue, you're missing a period, and in the last paragraph, the comma after "The four of them" is a little awkward. I think, also, that maybe James should be the one to initiate the holding-of-hands... kind of as a sign of how he's going to change? Unless you had a reason for Melanie taking the leap.

Good job.

[Michael A. Kay]

Heh heh, I've had to have conversations like that before... Firstly I'm going to congratulate you on this, because although I have a few things to criticise, it improved drastically as it unfolded, hence the star rating I'm going to give it.

Firstly, tenses are still an issue; past gave way to present once or twice and it's a little disorientating. I found the odd typo I thought you might not pick up on with a reread: "passing numerous stores that didn�t catch their interest with the 8:00 deadline for something to eat was vastly approaching" (Also I think the semicolon usage just before this wasn't quite right unless you phrased it 'they passed numerous', but that's a grammatical point) I think you mean the deadline was fast approaching, and didn't quite understand the seemingly random food reference. Also: "Even though he had been told by and sensed it himself that Melanie liked him, he was still a little timid of making a move" and "James walked beside Melanie, who had a similar infatuation with him, with his hands in his jacket pocket, trying to pay no attention to the sometimes awkward show that would be presented in front of him." Could you just clarify the latter with 'show of affection'? Didn't get it first time. As I've said before, read it aloud and adapt it according to how it sounds.

A second point I absolutely have to make is that, for me, there was way too much description in the beginning. I'm sorry, but the charm bracelet on the right wrist? The heights of each of them? :P If you want to bring them in, although I didn't feel they were integral to either the character development or the plot itself, try to slot them into clarifying sentences like 'he said from his 6 ft vantage point' or 'she pointed, the charm bracelet Mark had given her on her birthday dangling from her wrist'. The character traits also are very explicitly stated. I'm quite guilty of this myself at times, and I've only recently begun to understand how the reader wants to learn about the character: through the actions and the dialogue, not the narrative. James says some stuff that quite clearly highlights his occasionally volatile nature, you can probably leave most of the rest to the reader.

Right, I've lost myself now. Errm. Yes, conclusion, I really liked the dialogue, but the description at the beginning is mostly superfluous detail, clothing, heights, not really so relevant to a reader as the social interactions which you document really well here. It genuinely was a sweet, heartwarming little piece.

Enjoyed this one, give it a little polishing and repost it. :)