IT NEVER CEASES

There's a feeling going through me. It is not new. I feel fear, nerves, very teary. I am very alone, and it's difficult to cope. I feel useless, like I'm wasting my skills, yet I do not know how to succeed. I feel very doubtful about myself in relation to other people, and often, they misread me because I do not know how to just "be" around other people. I am fed up of hearing that I'm strong, or capable; those things don't matter to me when you say them without understanding of my life, and those things do not stop a bad point from being a bad point. 
I am fed up of people asking if I've "tried mindfulness? Tried counselling? Eat differently? Exercise?", when these activities have either been previously exhausted, ineffectual or are a part of my life already, when I'm not crying. I have only one friend that I have known for more than a few years. I really want to make a difference, but I do not know how to do it on my own...being this alone for so long feels like it's gradually killing me. I am not the only person to feel like this.
I'm sick of my family fluctuating between pure denial of my existence (I've missed the births of children and important weddings to name but a few occasions) and they're local: Hanham, Longwell Green and Downend. Then the other half, paternal family, popping in and out of my life like flickering candles that do not care about the darkness they leave behind, or the burns they can cause.
I'm a very, very sad person, and I just want all this to end permanently. I don't want to wake up, and that's not new either. I can draw, sing, cook, keep pets, grow plants, heal; sew, knit, crochet...I'm flexible, fairly strong and healthy. Surely I've earnt happiness? I just suppose you cannot read it out of a book.