Letter in a Bottle

Sun, the sea, the views
Fire blazed as we watched
We waited, We waited

Letters in a bottle
Past and present flames
Tangled and lost

The sounds of your heart
The smile you wore
Never forgotten

The cold, windy nights
Fire twitched and chirped
We waited. We waited

The souls grew bright
Burning with passion and hope
The letters drifted gently

We waited each day
Both sitting around the fire
Watching the sea

Two worlds we knew
Separated us both
The letters we sent along the water,
We waited for them. We waited.

Reviews

[Mariko]

I'm guilty of this all the time - so if I sound like I'm coming down harsh it's only because I feel like I need to be harder on myself about this: Repetition in a poem is a good thing... too much repetition in a poem cheapens it.

I would get rid of all the "we waited"s.

The waiting is implied in the title and just in the pacing of the poem. You end each of your other stanzas so strongly. I like doing a little test on some of my poems - stealing the lines and placing them next to their "counterparts" in the poem because each line needs to be strong on its own in poetry --
Read the poem created by your last lines (w/o all the "we waiteds"):
"Tangled and lost, Never forgotten, The letters drifted gently, Watching the sea, We waited for them."

vs.

"We waited, We waited. Tangled and lost, Never forgotten. We waited. We waited. The letters drifted gently. Watching the sea. We waited for them. We waited."

Personally, I like the first version better... Anyways... just one way to play with a poem for refinement.

Overall - a very strong piece.