Never Coming Home

Based off the songs The Ghost Of You by My Chemical Romance and When You're Gone by Avril Lavigne. Also, the book is called "Lovely Fate"

I took the letter and triangularly folded flag out of the officer's hands numbly. How could this be possible? 

He grabbed my hands and placed them around his neck before lowering his to rest against the small of my back, smiling as we twirled joyfully in circles to the beat of the song. My body was pressed tightly against his as we moved gracefully across the large dance floor, his emerald green eyes searching my dark chocolate brown ones behind his shaggy, chin length black hair. 

Tears mixed with my black eyeliner rolled down my face like a river, only to fall on the ground and explode into tiny fragments of what it once was. I sniffed as I slowly opened the letter and began to read it, the letters in his beautiful, slanted, cursive handwriting that he thought must be the ugliest in the world, but I beg to differ. 

He pulled me closer to him as the song slowed down, and we stayed that way for almost an hour until the dance was over and we were sent home. We were only 16 years old. 

I could hear the officer speaking, but I couldn't hear the words. I could see his mouth moving when I looked up at him blankly, but I could not comprehend that he was speaking. I bit my bottom lip to hold back a scream. 

Once more, my 19 year old fiance reminded me why he had to go off to war, then he smiled and kissed me, promising that he would return in time to see our baby girl, our own little princess. Then, as if to prove his point, he kissed my stomach. In a final goodbye, he hugged me tightly and held me there for a moment, then, without another word, he let go and set off on the plane headed to Afghanistan. Or at least, I think it was Afghanistan... 

I hugged the flag close to my chest, as close as humanely possible, the letter squished between my chest and the flag, my head bent forward as I cried, letting the tears fall freely down my face. "He said that he would come back..." I thought. 

Author's Note

First off, this is dedicated to all those American Soldiers who fought and didn't make it home.
Now. OMG I SO LOVE THIS SO FREAKING MUCH AND ERMAHGERD I WANT TO MAKE THIS INTO A BOOK! I say that often, but I guess I just love what I write. :P But I don't know how many other people would like it... :/ I mean, I know one of my friends would love to read it, because she loves to read what I wrote. :3

Reviews

[beautiful dreamer]

humanly not humanely thats like total different word there. sorry babe if this is going to be published im proofreading since ive read it before lol. a couple other grammar things. i numbly took instead of tacking numbly at the end there on the first sentence. begged* you have he thought in past tense so therefore beg must be in past tense too. other than those few things its perfect and i'm so proud of you!

[Silent Wolf]

Lol hank you. :3

[beautiful dreamer]

welcome :)

[Silent Wolf]

Lol, yeah. The editors all loved it, one told me it made her cry. :3

[beautiful dreamer]

awe good :)

[Silent Wolf]

The book is called "Falling In Love."

[C. Rose]

Beg doesn't have to be past tense - the character still thinks his handwriting is beautiful. It might be helpful if the entirety of the non-italic was present tense to contrast from the past tense italic.

[Pixieblue]

This actually got to my heart strings. 'Im literally going to say this is probably not perfect as nothing is. But as close to perfect as anyone can get if were going on getting emotion out of people.

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you. I have never experienced this. It is really sad, though. I've had several family members in the army/navy, but they all came back alive. I could only imagine how it would feel if they didn't...

[Pixieblue]

The constant longing and heartache i think is more pain than anyone of us can really imagine

[Silent Wolf]

Yes. That's why I feel that this story doesn't really express how one would truly feel, especially for having known him for that long.

[Silent Wolf]

I just imagined how it felt to lose my grandma, and put it into this.

[Lucy Morningstar &heart..]

woah. just...woah. this is awsmazing, my friend :)

[Silent Wolf]

lol, words cannot describe it, so you created a new one. :3

[Lucy Morningstar ♥]

hehehe i suppose so

[LawrenceRaybon]

The Constructive Critics’ Story Critique Checklist
http://www.writerscafe.org/groups/Constructive-Critics/11057/

What does the story make you think about?
How happy I am that my brother came back from the war, mostly okay.

After reading this story, are there any questions left unanswered?
Some, but none I feel detract from the story. How long was he away? How did he die? Has the baby been born? What is her name? What are the names of anyone? All questions that are outside the perview of the story but it’s a good sign that I care enough to ask. They don’t need to be answered in this story.

What part/s of the story are confusing? (Explain)
The point of view sometimes seem like it is first person omniscient. The description of the tears and eyeliner is interesting but could a person that isn’t staring in a mirror while crying really observe their own tears in this way? And why is she contemplating her tears hitting the ground when there’s a letter from her fiancé right in front of her? Again, it’s a beautiful image, but feels like it would be better suited to a third person narrator.

What did you learn from this story?


What was your favorite part of the story? Why?
My favorite part is the juxtaposition of the past and present. I especially like that the past parts don’t feel like flashbacks, it feels like the author is slowly giving the reader glimpses of the past to deepen the emotion of the present.

What was your least favorite part of this story? Why?
Some of the wording is a little wonky.
“I could hear the officer speaking, but I couldn't hear the words. I could see his mouth moving when I looked up at him blankly, but I could not comprehend that he was speaking. I bit my bottom lip to hold back a scream.”
Especially felt off, using hear twice in the first sentence makes the wording sound lazy. And the part about comprehend what he was speaking should probably be ‘saying’ instead of ‘speaking’. If feels like all of the officer speaking could be compressed something like,
I could see the officer’s mouth moving when I looked up at him blankly. I could hear him speaking, but I could not comprehend what he said.

What opinion/s did the story express? Did it express any opinions at all?
I didn’t really feel like the story expressed any opinions, it was a reflection on the emotions of a bereaved army wife.

List any errors in grammar, spelling, punctuation, style (point of view, sentence structure, tense, etc.) and/or continuity (be specific and include lines if possible):
Okay here goes:

He grabbed my hands and placed them around his neck before lowering his to rest against the small of my back, smiling as we twirled joyfully in circles to the beat of the song.
--I think this may be a run-on sentence. Also the part after "placed them" is hard to follow because of the pronouns. It took me a moment to connect the second ‘his’ to the ‘hands’ at the beginning of the sentence.

his emerald green eyes searching my dark chocolate brown ones behind his shaggy, chin length black hair
--Here it seems like he’s searching for your eyes in his own hair. Also a first person narrator commenting on their own eye color feels strange (back to the first person omniscient thing I was talking about earlier). It’s nice that you are using so many adjectives but, especially in this case they are getting in the way. You may want to try something like, “His emerald green eyes, almost hidden behind his shaggy black hair, searched mine.”

I sniffed as I slowly opened the letter and began to read it, the letters in his beautiful, slanted, cursive handwriting that he thought must be the ugliest in the world, but I beg to differ.
--The, ‘I beg to differ’ feels superfluous because she already described the handwriting lovingly. It’s understood that she thinks the handwriting is beautiful (she said so after all). You also don’t need ‘cursive’ and ‘handwriting’ the two are so close as to almost be synonymous. If you want to keep the structure similar you could try, “the letters in his slanted cursive that he thought must be the ugliest in the world, but I think they’re beautiful.”

He pulled me closer to him as the song slowed down, and we stayed that way for almost an hour until the dance was over and we were sent home.
--Feels like another run-on sentence.

Once more, my 19 year old fiance reminded me why he had to go off to war, then he smiled and kissed me, promising that he would return in time to see our baby girl, our own little princess.
--Another run-on

I hugged the flag close to my chest, as close as humanely possible, the letter squished between my chest and the flag, my head bent forward as I cried, letting the tears fall freely down my face.
--Another run-on. ‘Humanely’ should be ‘humanly’. Humanely is the proper way to treat things; humanly possible, means as much as any human could do. Also the reference to tears at the end feels out of place to me because the narrator has been crying a river of tears since the third paragraph.

In your opinion how could the author improve their (Title, Plot, Ending, Character, Setting, Voice, Style, Dialogue, Format)? (be specific):

I took the letter and triangularly folded flag out of the officer's hands numbly.
--Triangularly folded flag sounds awkward, maybe just the folded flag or triangular, folded flag.

"He said that he would come back..." I thought.
--The ‘I thought’ makes the ending less powerful to me. I would take away the quotation marks and just let it end with: He said he would come back…

Whenever I write in first person I like to ask myself two questions when it comes to description: Why is the character noticing this? Would the character actually be able to see this at all? I think those two questions will help you as well! Please don’t be discouraged by my comments. You’ve done a great job here with a really emotionally moving piece. I look forward to reading the next draft of this story as well as your other work!

Cheers,
Lawrence
Constructive Critics Group
Using the Constructive Critic Story Critique Checklist

Note: A printable copy of this Critique is available at:
https://www.dropbox.com/s/pm9jw4fyadxae9e/Critique%20of%20Never%20Coming%20Home%20by%20Silent%20Wolf.docx

***Standard Disclaimer: These are my honest opinions and they are absolutely not meant as any kind of attack. I only comment on work that I think is good and only offer advice so that we can all become better writers. You are always free/welcome to heed or disregard my opinions/advice!***

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you for the help! I'm not too find of the format of the review, but that's just because of all the headings. I would just put it in a paragraph, then list the errors, but that's just my own personal opinion. I'm making this story a book, which is called lovely fate. If you like it and any more, then is suggest reading the book version.

[LawrenceRaybon]

The format is a little wonky, if you go to the link the printable copy is easier to read. This review is from a form I'm filling out which makes it easier to review faster. I had to make a choice between going back and turning all the answers into an understandable cohesive review or posting the form straight and having time to do more reviews. I chose to do more reviews and less formatting. I hope it helps!

[Silent Wolf]

It does help, thanks. :) I completely understand, though. More reviews or formatting, hmm, tough choice. MORE REVIEWS!

[David]

Omg! this moves me to tears! So heartbreaking. I love it. It is written with heartfelt emotions that is passed down to your readers. I love this type of literature. the type that make the readers feel what the characters are feeling. I love how you described the tears. It brought out the writing and the emotions of the character. It was exquisite!

[Silent Wolf]

Lol, thank you. The thing is, I have never been through that. I just guessed what she's be going through.

[David]

Lol. still. You have a talent.

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you. :) I know I'm not the best, but, for my age, I'm pretty good :)

[David]

Keep it up. =]

[Silent Wolf]

Lol thank you. :)

[C. Rose]

Powerful.

Don't know why I started talking about this in the comments - but consider present tense for the "present" time. And by consider I really mean just consider - it isn't necessarily the best idea.

I like the flashback contrast. It is risky, but I think you pull it off.

3rd paragraph: "tears mixes ..." felt like a bit much to me. There are tears, the tears mix with mascara, the tears are a river, it falls, it explodes, it is now a fragment of what was. I recommend you pick half of these descriptors for this image. Save the rest for later in the story or a different story. For example "Tears mixed with my black eyeliner rolled down my face and crashed to the ground, tiny fragments of what they once were" (use your own words for the middle bit). My point is to crystalize the image. Cut the river cliché and the detailed journey of falling.

Hopefully I didn't go too overboard on one line. You are welcome to critique my critique. I am not the final word.

Especially in a story where there is a lot of crying and there is surely more too come, don't overload the early tears with too many descriptors.

Afghanistan is capitalized.

Very moving. Keep up the good work.

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you. :) I like constructive critism because, at my age, I know I'm not perfect, and I want to improve. It's nice to know I did the flashbacks well, so thank you. :)

[Rosemary]

Wow. The flashbacks really do it. :) Since I found this in the Constructive Critics group, I have to say: Some grammar problems, as in tears falling and exploding to what 'it' once was. And a little technical details here and there, though I'm no expert myself. Carry On! :)

[Created to Write]

It is so sad and beautiful. I've never been in that situation but it gives me a clear picture of what it would feel like.

Great writing! No wonder your friend loves it so much!

[Silent Wolf]

Honestly, I've never been in this position either. I used my imagination to try to picture how it would feel, after loving somebody for almost your entire life, to suddenly find out that they are dead.

[Silent Wolf]

And then, add how they died, and you've got the perfect story. :3

[Created to Write]

It sounds so real.

[Silent Wolf]

Because it is. It may not have happened to me, but it has happened to plenty, and then some.

[Created to Write]

No I mean, it sounds like you wrote it from experience.

[Silent Wolf]

Oh. Well, I haven't. And I don't want to.

[Created to Write]

For the word humanely, take out the 'e'. It shouldn't be there.

[Silent Wolf]

I got that, just never got around to fixing it. Thanks.

[IceWinifredd]

This was so sad! It's a beautiful story though and I think you've done a lovely job with it so nice job!

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you. It's nice to hear that I did a good job. :)

[Silent Wolf]

Also, I'm posting the book based off this story. The book is called "Falling In Love"

[IceWinifredd]

Oh really? Awesome! Let me check that out then! :)

[Silent Wolf]

Cool deal. I've been trying to tell everybody who reads this story and likes it. :3

[IceWinifredd]

Alrighty then! I'll let you know what i think about it then ;)

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you!

[Mindolluin]

Gorgeus text! The emotions were very strongs with this one. Good job :)

[Silent Wolf]

Thank you, and if you would like, I'm putting up the book. "Falling In Love." It's called.