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First encounter beween the destined lovers

In a secluded nook near Mount Greenrock, away from the wild crazy world, there lie a number of small villages, blessed with natural beauty and serenity. The lovely spot attracted an old retired official, who moved to the village with his son, whose name is Zhou Xin. Zhou Xin is 20 years old, young and handsome, with broad shoulders and a firmly built tall figure. Coming with them is a servant called Li Zhong, whose senior age earns him the nickname of “Whitehead”. Li Zhong also has a son and Longevity is his name. Though only twelve years old, Longevity begins waiting on the young master with his father already.

 

The old official, upon settling in the village, bought a spacious house and a large piece of land, as part of the plan to build an easy life in his twilight years. But within only two years after the purchase, he fell seriously ill and, despite all the caring and curing, he felt he was nearing his end. So one day he summoned his son and said to him, “My boy, it's about time. I wish I could see more of nature and linger around longer for you, but now my time has come. I’ll ask of you this one last thing: bury me on the side of the mountain, so I can keep looking out for you, and be happy.”

 

With that he passed away. The son cried like a teenage boy. He lost his mother while in the cradle, and now his father left him, too. Man as he is, the sorrow was too much to bear. For the many years to come, he saw nothing but loneliness and coldness lying ahead, waiting to engulf him. Alone in this world, without anyone to turn to when tired and broken, without anyone to fight for when he wants to, without anyone to share a bit of joy, a moment of sorrow, what would life be? What would he be? Yes he still has the servants, but what do they know about him? He is but their employer, a master whom they feed and cloth, other than that, he means nothing to them and they him. Besides, the sight of Whitehead and his son will always be a reminder of his loss, killing him in every waking hour.

Tears rolled down but no hands wiped them away; hollow was his heart which he believed would never be filled again. He is a man of few words before, and now a man of even less.

In a lovely wood on the mountainside he buried his father. The wind blowing, the grass waving, the corners of his robe were fluttering. He stood in front the tomb in wearied silence.

The view is beautiful here, Pa. You'll love it...I'll come around often. Don't worry about me, I'll just be fine and ... Pa, I miss you already.

He turned and walked into the winds.

I'm happy for you, Pa. Glad you are with Ma now.

Author's Note

how do you like it? if not, why? and how can i improve it? thank you!

Reviews

[JayG]

How to improve it? Take a deep breath—though what I have to say has to do with the learned part of the profession, not good or bad writing...or even talent.To see the problem you face, take line like, “Susan is a girl who loves her mother,” as two different storytellers might deliver it:

The first strides to the podium, as if impatient to begin. He smiles and nods a greeting to the audience, obviously pleased to be there. He extends a hand, as if presenting a gift, as he says, “Susan is a girl who loves her mother.” His voice is warm, and we know that the story we’re about to hear flows from Sue loving her mom. So a mood has been set with eight words and a bit of storyteller performance-art.

The second speaker, however, saunters in, and on the way to the podium sniffs, and frowns deeply, as if disliking the smell of the place. Once at the podium he looks the audience over, obviously displeased, shaking his head, arms crossed, body-language closed in. Finally, he flips a hand in the audience’s direction, and in a voice dripping with sarcasm, says, “Susan is a girl who looooves her mother.” The same words were spoken, but the mood set is far different. And the audience knows this story is to be far darker.

That mood-setting—the emotional part of story—demonstrates the effect of performance. But, none of that makes it to the page. The page can reproduce neither your golden voice nor your gestures, expression, or body-language. And that means mood must be set by other means, because if you open a book and saw an opening line of, “Susan is a girl who loves her mother,” how would you read it? As the first speaker did? The second? Or as the writer intended? See the problem? The narrator can tell the reader told how Susan speaks her lines, but not how the narrator performs their own.

Problem is, since only the words, dry and emotion free, reach the reader, and since no one told us how to get around rthe problem in our school days, you might want to pick up some of the techniques the writing pros take for granted, and next time, blow your reader’s mind with prose that not only records the words, it evokes emotion in-your-reader.

Never lose sight of the fact that our goal isn’t to make the reader know the events. That’s a report, and while it informs, it’s boring. Instead of informing the reader you need to entertain them. And with a different goal the methods must change. But how much time did your teachers spend on the tricks of entertaining the reader?

And that’s why, if you’re going to write fiction you need to learn the fiction-writing techniques. They’re designed to overcome the problem I just defined. And that problem is just one of many our teachers never mentioned, as theyed train us to enter the job market with writing skills useful to an employer.

Like any other profession, fiction writing has a skill and craft set dedicated to solving the problems of practicing the profession. True, we’re given the impression that our basic education is sufficient. But did they tell you how to manage the short-term scene-goal—or even that it exists? In reality, we leave school exactly as ready to write fiction as to pilot a 747 airliner.

The good news is that you can get started on learning those professional techniques for less than the cost of a Saturday night out at a decent restaurant. You can even sample the meal, so to speak, with this article:

http://www.advancedfictionwriting.com/art/scene.php

And if what the writer says makes sense, the next step is to pick up either the book he recommends, which is by far the best I’ve found, or buy Debra Dixon’s GMC: Goal Motivation and Conflict

Swain covers everything, as deeply as a college professional writing course would—which makes sense because in addition to being a popular adventure writer he was a college professor of note. But some find a book that goes that deeply intimidating. Dixon doesn’t go into the subject to the same detail, but her book is a warmer read. Either are more oriented to the nuts and bolts of writing than stylistic issues.

So check them out. And you might check the library's fiction writing section for the views of others, too. But whatever you do, hang in there, and keep on writing.

Jay Greenstein
https://jaygreenstein.wordpress.com/category/the-craft-of-writing/

[Surreal]

thank you very much! I just start writing, and i'm sure they are terrible to read. But I'll take your advice and keep honing my skills. Hopefully my poor writing will get better and better~ thx again!