1

KARI
I try fight the urge to draw my sword and invite Calder to a duel right now. I Know he would win, but in my rage, my ability to think clearly is long gone. Not only is he better with a sword but he holds magic which i seemed unable to do. My anger always gets in the way.
“You can’t just assemble a fleet of warships on a hunch Kari.” He’s yelling now throwing his chair back as he stands in rage. The chair flies to pieces as it hits the wall. His hands are turning red, the large council table spidering with ice from the magic in his hands. My other council members all stare at Caulder whos black eyes are lit with a fire even i haven’t seen before. Aerlen has moved from his normal place, standing against the wall, and is now standing next to me his hand on the hilt of his sword. Calder would also beat him in any fight. Aerlen’s magical abilities the same as mine. Non existent. We still had 9 months though before we were 18 and considered magicless. I appreciate the gesture though. It is his job to protect me, born to stand by my side. But Caulder had been my father's Entwined, same training as Aerlen, just 30 more years to hone his skills.
“Do you forget that I am Princess here.” I don’t know when i stood but i am also on my feet the table and our rage the only obstacle keeping us from tearing each other apart. His face is only a few inches from my so I can feel the heat of his breath on my face. In this moment I don’t remember a single thing he’s done for me since birth, protecting me after my father died, taking his place as my trainer, risking his life for me every time it was necessary.
“That is right. Princess. You are only 17 you still have one year before you can make any kind of decision like that on your own, and thank the stars. If you attack Amera it will be a battle that we may win, but we will come out of crippled. You were not there when that ship came to shore Kari. that ship was not anything that those half assed soldiers could of manned. It was black. It was dark. It was pure evil. And whatever was on that boat, that destroyed all of those cities on the sea, it was not human. And if you weaken our fleet against an unnecessary Ameran war, we will not survive it.
“You’re talking of monsters and demons Caulder. We have all heard the tails of the demons that live in the Ameran mountains and we all know there is nothing up there but witches and fools. We Have a right, no a responsibility to protect MY people.” I can’t stop myself from using that word. This kingdom is mine. There’s a long pause. The rest of my council is silent fearing our tempers. “I only need 3 votes. Council?” i turn from Caulder and to the rest of my council, all strong men and women my father relied on in times of trouble. All warriors of the crown. My crown.
“Okay.” Caulder is growling now. “Votes for yes.” every hand raises. I can’t help the smile to Caulder, the look of petty satisfaction brightening my eyes. He storms out.
I don’t look away from the door Caulder has nearly torn off its hinges but say, “Thank you for your council.” the other members all hurry out happy to be dismissed. I fall into my seat, exhausted from the 3 hour meeting that had just taken place.

Reviews

[TheBlueJay]

2/2
That seems unrealistic. For a number or reasons, the first being I thought they were standing already. The second they are in a war room and unless this kingdom is impoverished a chair in a war room would be sturdy. So, I guess I want details…
Calder reads as a hotheaded teenager. A man in his forties, umm you lost me there. I stopped believing you. Does his age play in? If not you could have his as a newly appointed captain or something. (when the non-humans attacked a lot of people died maybe there was a shuffle in the chain of command leaving a bunch off too young people in charge?)
The voting thing, it doesn’t feel realistic. I would have liked arguments. These are gown men and women who had to deal with her father and who were all military. Unless you are going to tell me that this girl will behead them if they don’t agree with her; I’m not going to buy that they will role over like a puppy who you just scolded. Clearly Caulder didn’t like it there would be more.
Why was her guard someone who couldn’t beat Caulder and had no magic ability/control? Unless Caulder is going to be someone no one can beat or even come close to it would be unlikely that a guard wouldn't be able to beat him or at least hold him off.That doesn’t seem like a wise thing to happen. If there was a shortage of guards would the king's guards not have defaulted to her when he died? It seemed strange that her guard was the same age as her (as a teenage queen, who isn’t allowed to fully rule yet. Because she isn’t an adult). It would have been okay if there were more guards, but it appears he was her only guard.
Just questions you might want to think about if you haven’t already: How common is magic in this land does everyone have it? Is it something that grows as with use? Do people only have so much? How long does it take to master it?
I’m not a huge fan of putting your readers into the end of an argument without explanation, but I understand the move. But suggest adding a little more detail and hits about the location. I thought that they were in a hallway or a field at first.
I think your chapter needs to be longer. The sweet spot for most chapters is about
1,500-3,500 words. I know that might feel like a lot, but it allows you to develop your characters more and set the stage.
Pros:
Okay, you have a mostly strong first sentence, I would probably read on. I would suggest strengthening with a little more focus. Like: With ever word he spoke, my fingers itch to wrap around the grip of my short sword. I wanted to abandon this room and face him in the training yard. But I knew he would win. He always won. He had years of experience with the sword and magic. Where as my skills were about as well developed as a twelve-year-old recruit.
Your dialogue felt mostly real. It was a little soliloquy like, but I can understand that. They were in a council meeting after all.
Your idea is interesting. I would like to know more about these non-humans and their ships. I was a little confused because I’m not sure if the war being raged is against the non-humans or if they are like mercenaries to a country.
My suggestion for learning about writing style is to read. Some examples would be anything by Tamora Pierce, The Star Touched Queen by Roshani Chokshi, Throne of Glass by Sarah J. Mass.
Pierce is talented at making main characters feel like real people, Chokshi has a lovely way of blending culture and religion in to create a world that feels old while it is being introduced to the readers, and Mass has a skill for the bringing in the dark side of the world and people.
I feel like these might be good examples of things that could help build your story and skills.
I hope this helps. I’m sorry if it seemed harsh. I do like your story idea and can see it developing into something interesting. Best of Luck.
It made me break the review up for some reason.

[TheBlueJay]

1/2
Hi, so first off this might be a bit of a harsh review. I’ll break this into two categories, so that you can choose to read what you like.
Cons/ Suggestions/ Questions:
Your story is riddled with grammar issues, but most early drafts are so I’m going to ignore that. But two things use the correct tense for your story and second learn the dialogue rules.
You do a lot of telling and play by plays. Which I found distracting and annoying. I personally like to draw conclusions. To start showing your readers the scene use your senses a little more. Watch how people act when they are having an argument. The way voices change, hand movements, how they move to hit someone and stop, the slight ways a person might flinch, stuff like that.
Side note: The chair flies to pieces as it hits the wall.