Crooked Prologue

*deep breath in, deep breath out*. Alright guys, here goes.

Introduction

“Daxon… Daxon!” My voice rose to a hysterical shriek, piercing in the confines of our run-down Jeep. Face-to-face with four S.W.A.T. team officers all dressed in neon orange, black, and loaded rifles at the ready, I felt drops of sweat congregating near the top of my forehead at the hairline.

            “You have to go, Xandra, now!” Daxon shouted over the roar of commotion outside.

            “I-I-“ then I squeezed my eyes shut, and shuddered as my heart dropped to the floor of our vehicle when I rammed the heel of my boot on the gas pedal. I felt the tires jerk forward on the bumpy, uneven grassy field and Daxon’s breath quicken beside me when the Jeep lurched. Bullets began to clink and clank off metal, and pierce the glass of our windshield, sending little bits and shards raining down to pinprick across my face.

            I was told later by Daxon that the officers had time for a look of uncertainty to cross over them and fire for about three seconds, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t see, could barely hear in the immense blur of noise, and my heel didn’t leave the gas pedal once.

            The open field was a crunchy cushion of straw, the California sun soaking in any moisture the grass had to offer. The sky was blue, the water was clear, the surrounding crowd was happy (used to be, anyways…), but if I couldn’t get us the hell out of here we were all going to get a death penalty in the near future.  

            “S**t,” I heard Daxon groan.

            No amount of disgust or repulsion can describe the sensation of bones crunching, limbs disfiguring, and bodies being helplessly tossed around like a ragdoll under your vehicle. And especially not when you did it on purpose. I didn’t breathe, and I didn’t scream how I was screaming on the inside, because I was too paralyzed by the curling dread that took hold of my body, specifically the pit of my stomach.

            Daxon had been talking, yelling maybe, at me to keep going, not that I needed any encouragement. The screams grew louder, from a cluster of white noise to shrieks of panic and horror as people dived out of the way of our car, but to me none of it registered. Not yet, anyways. All I could feel was the constant turning of wheels over uneven ground that matched the circling in the pit of my stomach. My throat felt tight, like a snake had slithered up my neck and coiled its body around me from the inside.

            The speed meter jumped with my heart rate. Maybe it was a little too dangerous for me to be driving, because I could no longer see straight.

            All of this had happened so fast, as fast as a matter of seconds, but I felt like I’d aged years. Really… hadn’t we all?

Author's Note

You probably all have some question, now, but no worries! All will be explained, I promise. I purposely did it like this so that you're wondering what the actual frick is going on. However, any suggestions would be much appreciated and if you review me I will review you back. See ya on the other side (or chapter one, rather).

Reviews

[Elena White]

it's really good. You wrote great detail in the story. I'm not really into action story, but actually, your story makes me interested in ones. It's good!

[AveTN]

Wow this was captivating. Your writing is exquisite, the detail is flawless, and the story flows with grace and allurement. Well done :) I'd appreciate any feedback anyone can give on my work as well. I'm new here, too.

[Vidya Bacchus]

I am wondering what the frick is going on but it is very fast paced I like that.You got into the nitty gritty at once.Great frick girl lol:)

[ZeniaK]

thank you vidya!

[Vidya Bacchus]

You are welcome :)

[K]

Good, fast action, Zenia. It makes us want to read more to find out what is going on and why. You have some good descriptions here too.

Here are some things that jumped at me that you might want to think about:

1. This is a high action start of a story. Does it qualify as a prologue? Prologues are usually for giving a background and a setting. This feels like an opening chapter to me. Which is good, because it seems like the traditional prologues are frowned upon these days:

http://annerallen.blogspot.com/2010/01/dont-shoot-yourself-in-font-kill-that.html

2. Do SWAT teams dress in neon orange? I don't think they do. But I might be wrong.

3. “You have to go, Xandra, now!” At this point in the story, I wasn't sure if he is asking her to leave the car or something else. Maybe there is a way to make it clearer.

4. Using your heel to press the gas seems very uncomfortable. I don't think people usually press the gas with their heels. Try it.

5. With all the action happening and engine revved up can she really hear "Daxon’s breath quicken"?

6. You don't tell us from the start if it's a night or a day. I assumed, because of the neon orange bit, that it was a night. Then, I thought that the paragraph "The open field was a crunchy cushion of straw, the California sun soaking in any moisture the grass had to offer. The sky was blue..." is a beginning of a new scene. It took me a bit to figure out that it was continuation of the same action.

7. "the surrounding crowd was happy" is confusing here because we think of you being in an open field. What crowd? Help us understand.

8. "I didn’t breathe" doesn't make sense, literally. So maybe you can find a better way to express it or drop it all together because the following text about screaming communicates what you want to say anyway.

9. "All of this had happened so fast, as fast as a matter of seconds, but I felt like I’d aged years." perhaps can be changed to "All of this had happened in a matter of seconds, but I felt like I’d aged years." Two "fast"'s and "in a matter of seconds" are redundant.

10. "hadn’t we all?" It's not clear who "all" are. Readers? Some other group of people?

I'm sure some of the above feel like nitpicking, but I feel like details and clarity matters a lot in stories like this one. You have a good solid start here. Just need some revisions and editing, in my opinion.

I hope you don't take any of these personally.

Thank you for sharing.

K

[ZeniaK]

K, you are officially my new best friend! :D I cannot express to you enough how much I appreciate you taking the time to help me edit this (I needed it, too) and I'm so happy you did. I will go back and fix my mistakes. Thank you!

[K]

Hello, best friend. :-) I'm glad that you found my comments useful.

[BClancy]

Great job! Very intense and white-knuckle action in this prologue. I had no idea what was happening, so yes, I'm very excited to see some more chapters published soon!

[ZeniaK]

Thanx BClancy!

[Praveeta]

I loved your write. It is captivating right from the start. Well done!

[ZeniaK]

thank you very much :D

[M.B.Valentyne]

Hi ZeniaK, pleased to meet you.

I like the way you write the action. The way you compare the worldly ongoings to the emotions of your characters is really cool. It's different, and a style I've never really come across.

I look forward to reading the next instalment!

[ZeniaK]

Thanks MB! Thank you so much for your words of encouragement! The next chapter will be up tomorrow. :D So be sure to drop by!

[Silent Wolf]

I like this, I like it alot. It really pulls me in, and I really want to read more. :3

[ZeniaK]

Glad to hear it! I'm editing chapter one right now and it will be up tomorrow so stay tuned!

[Silent Wolf]

Lol, alright. I think my book Dolly has gotten quite twisted...

[ZeniaK]

Girl, your telling me! I just read two chapters, and I'll read two more after I post my next chapter tomorrow.

[Silent Wolf]

LOL! Oh, you'd have to read chapter five to know where I'm coming from. :3

[Playing with Demons]

This is great! I love you are instantly pulled into the mayhem and action, the description and feeling in this chapters is wicked awesome! I love the last sentence!

[ZeniaK]

Thank you so much Playing with Dinosaurs!!! I always feel so nervous about showing people a chapter of a book, so thank you for your input :D

[Playing with Demons]

No prob :) It's great!