At first, I thought the feeling of having my noose
cut off in my life was inevitable.
After all leaving the comfort of my home has always
been my dream.
I did get my car after senior year
and let me tell you taking lessons from
Christopher Lloyd…I meant Mr. Lloyd was
quite the time well spent traveled into my future.
Now leaving Emily, Morena and Sarah I found myself
lost for the feelings that I wanted to share
with those women.
I find myself looking at the photos of those two
that we wore on the last day of school.
Emily on the other hand had finished her second year
in college and I have to admit she’s doing well with her
boyfriend John…I think his last name started with a K.
So here I am at the Halls of Ebert and Roper,
ready to tackle on my first class Literature I
with Professor Gere at his seat.
He contemplates prior to his teaching class,
as I found myself sitting next to Christopher Gorham.
Great guy, I tell you, he once told me that
this is his only year before he gets to go
out on the field in the Marines.
To my right I find Chris Hardy as he is in here
taking this course as his remedial since he skipped it
freshmen year.
As the classes were dismissed I decided to hang
around the place and went into the
Arboretum and to my surprise
I saw Uma Thurman again with Professor Acker.
Uma turning around seeing me fled so I went to
Professor Acker and asked her for directions
to where to take my next class which was
Journalism I.
Professor Acker was actually referred to me by
Ms. Beckinsale in high school as they were classmates.
Upon arriving class, I saw Professor Diane Lane
already writing down what seemed to be our topic in class.
I then saw Anna Faris, Mira Sorvino and Hayden Christensen.
They were great people but I found out there was a
complicated love triangle with all three…
Professor Lane then started teaching class when all of a
sudden a sleepy and groggy student walked in slumped.
Her looks thrashed, her shirt inside out as she saw me
suddenly sat next to me, as it turns out it was my
friend Gwyneth from high school.
She had become a mess and had asked me if she could
stay at my place tonight since she found out I need a
roommate so I said okay.
Finally my last course of the day was an elective given to
me
called…Mechanical Structures and Fundamentals...
so I walked in and to my surprise everyone was wearing
aprons and goggles then out of the vehicle I saw
Professor Robert Downey Jr. and his students telling me
to suit up pointing me to a locker room I went in.
There I saw Terrence Howard, Eric Bana and Michele Rodriguez
all changing clothes…coed I noticed then we all went out
to find that the car we were fixing and repairing
belongs to the English Department’s Head Sir Ben Kingsley…
I sweated bullets because my life as a writer was in his hands.
There were those certain electives I took for fun.
I took Salsa from Professor Javier Bardem in sophomore year.
The man could dance as we switched partners every week
I danced with Selma Hayek, Callie Thorne, Danielle Panabaker
among many other women in his class.
The class was very sultry with those women but I thought
my dance with Danielle was my favorite because she
happened to participate in the dance team.
Junior year, I took it upon myself and got into two different
electives- Civics and once again Economics.
Professors William Petersen and Kevin Spacey were
one of my favorites.
Professor Petersen being more in favor as he was a very intuitive man
with his quips and quotes before class started he made us all
ponder for the first ten minutes of class
and the rest we sunk into his conscious literally.
Professor Spacey on the other hand, I thought I had my dealings
with Mr. Cheadle in high school but as I muttered his name
by accident he mentioned that he was his favorite student and
I quit few weeks before the final.
As the years went by I took on several classes
attended the football games while sharing rooms
with Gwyneth Paltrow in freshmen year.
She eventually moved out and cleaned herself up.
Sophomore year, I had John Francis Daley and TJ Thyne,
both were stand-up comedians and moved to New York
to pursue their acts. Nowadays I see them performing everywhere.
Junior year I shared it with Milo Ventimiglia, Elijah Wood and
Joseph Gordon Levitt, best roommates ever.
For we all played the same game together which were…
beer darts pong and first-person shooter games.
On my senior year, I actually had a girlfriend so
I put down the ad and let Famke Janssen move in with me…
she was working on her first PhD at the time and
I fell in love with her for about three years
when she had to move to Europe and pursue her career.
That was not all what college had brought me.
I haven’t even brought out our football games.
Believe it or not our mascot was a…platypus…
and we were called The Flapping Platypi!
I winced every now and then to think of our mascot.
I wince to each moment that the poor animal
got tackled a few times but it stood back up.
Our team was number one in the nation with
our coach Mark Harmon kept us going for
years with his head-slapping, no nonsense,
and sheer determination as our coach every season.
Of course those four years we had a great
quarterback, line back and receiver.
It was Oded Fehr, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and Liev Schrieber
respectively but those guys belonged in a different league.
I mean we also had a soccer team, again
undefeated coached by well… David Beckham.
Then there was a swimming team, no,
it’s not who you think is our coach but it was
actually Kevin Costner whose rumor had it that
he drank his piss every now and then as a sign of good luck
before a meet with the other schools.
I mean they also had great cheerleaders
oh no doubt they went national and became
professional cheerleaders around football games.
The head was actually Kristin Stewart as she
hung out with Kiera Knightley, Jennifer Lawrence
and Zoe Saldana.
Now we head onto the path where I did not took…
fraternity…but that did not mean I avoided parties that took place.
After all I was friends Jonah Hill and he connected
me with his big brother…John C. Reilly!
However, I thought Reilly was not the founding father
of the chapter as it was none other than
Will Ferrell.
Of course during frat parties the neighboring sorority
led by Christina Applegate…hands down it was hard to get those
girls as they had Jennifer Morrison, Jessica Alba and even
my ex…Famke but she was so reserved unlike those girls.
According to Christina, it was Natalie Portman their founding
big sister had relationship with Will Ferrell.
Did I tell you? I had my first date with Rooney Mara on
freshmen
year but we ended it because it was getting too casual but
we stayed close because she was a study buddy of mine
when we were working on our theses for our PhD in Journalism.
This was before Famke’s time.
Then I went on to Scarlett Johansson it was serious though
because
she and I always went out for coffees at night and come on exam week
we made sure our notes were as crazily lined up as Kevin Bacon’s room down
the hall. That guy was nuts, always obsessed I tell you!
Masters year was rough!
My first English professor was none other than Stephen Fry
and I was classmates with Daniel Craig and Kate Winslet.
Mara and I got back temporarily as a way to cooperate and make sure
we passed Professor Fry’s class.
Second year wasn’t as half as bad as Professor Michael Caine
became
our lenient and most profound professor.
I admired the man for how he taught us of course we had our
dissertations checked by his T.A. Christian Bale.
Third year English it was balls to the wall yet transcendentally
the amazing Sean Connery on Mondays and Wednesdays
and Harrison Ford on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Both men we had to write a total of one hundred pages of
our theses just to get our Masters.
Mara and I made it out but she broke up again with me
because as it turns out she fell in love with Christina Ricci.
I couldn’t take any chances of going out with anyone after
being
hurt as I thought it was just too depressing of the feelings I had
from Mara to Scarlett and Famke.
After a while, Danielle pulled through as she decided
to surprise me with an invitation.
Apparently, she loved dancing with me because when she danced with
Antonio Banderas, Johnny Depp and even Daniel Dae Kim
she couldn’t find her groove but when it came down to me,
she felt secure in her world.
Anyway, she invited me for a sleepover and as I got
there, Jamie Ray Newman, Diana Agron, Stana Katic,
and even the girl on my math class Penelope Cruz were
all pajama clad and all cozied up to watch a movie with me…
Clearly I was in heaven.
My PhD years went by fast as I only had two
English Professors, Diane Keaton and Malcolm MacDowell.
Those were my brooding years, as I couldn’t focus so well
that I almost lost my degree.
As my dates were as a mess as I was I got into drugs with
Blake Lively, Megan Fox, and Emmanuelle Chriqui.
I got into prison after bar fighting Simon Baker, Ryan Reynolds
and Michael Weatherly.
Later that night, I was actually released by
Norman Reedus who I never talked to in class because he
was always with Catherine Zeta but he approached me
saying that it wasn’t his idea as it was a favor.
He told me never to do it again and I changed my ways soon after.
Going home one night after spending way too many hours
in the library I stumbled upon a girl who was also walking home.
She stumbles and falls with her books as I picked them up
and noticed her face was familiar.
Her long hair, deep eyes and alluring scent she jumps back
with a book
on hand as I went around picking more of her materials around the ground
I noticed she was looking at me…
Finishing everything I look at her she puts the book down
and I recognized
she was the school’s Magna Cum Laude… Olga Kurylenko… the transfer
student from Ukraine who was in my Master’s class few years back.
She recognized me and said that I was at the football game
for
four years sitting with Halle Berry, Orlando Bloom and Edward Norton
by our home bench.
I asked her how she recognized me as she stood up and danced
the
platypus. I was shocked to see it was her underneath all those four
years under that mascot. Until Edward Norton tossed a fruit at her
she quit...the main reason why I actually left because deep down
I actually loved the platypus.
Soon after, I dated Olga and to this day she is my wife.
Graduation day it was raining hard on us but we all
attended.
Our presider was Mr. Nicolas Cage, an alumnus from a few
years back.
After his short introduction we had a guest speaker, another
alumnus
only a few years older…his name was Ricky Gervais.
According to him, he was one of the renowned Magna Cum Laude
students as he was infamously known for showing up late to class,
slept with Professors Sandra Bullock, Julia Roberts and even
Angelina Jolie.
Respectively they were Psychology, Environmental Science and
Sculpture teachers who still teach as I saw them on the big screen give him
a middle finger in the air.
He however pioneered through the use of his friends with the
television production classes taught by Professor Ron Jeremy
to document his studies among other things.
It was a great learning experience for me at that rainy day
as the
headmaster of the school made a rare appearance after fifteen years
of traveling around the world.
Headmaster Hugh Hefner appeared strongly before a crowd of a
thousand students
that rainy day.
He then congratulated my soon to be fiancée at the time Olga
as she
received her diploma that rainy day.
His virility unquestionably amazing as he stood there by the podium,
looking at us he smiles and sends his blessing.
The rain stopped as we looked up that day and saw the sun
coming out we smiled.
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