Brushed my Teeth Again

Bit of a rant sorry, needed to get it out of me. I always wonder what someone would say if I told them something like this

Nothing seems important
right now this day has passed and all night I
killed time, twitching my toes and swapping from a
crack in the bed boards to a chair that
groans when I shift the wrong way
cringing at the crack of my hip
that feeds the engine turning over in the
back of my mind, loud it runs at all times but
goes into overdrive at times like this
when I’m alone

and I bite my lip
fight hard to distract
myself from that deep rooted fear of
the gap in those curtains.
 It’s four am
nobody is looking or listening to you. Pathetic
little hermit holed up in the
 house next door
 chewing the tip of her tongue to
pieces a sharp reminder to self that

I am not the centre of this universe
 sometimes it takes a bit of blood to
 bring me back down to reality where it’s
safe and where I’d like to stay
(please)
 never again, I never want to hear my thoughts actions and
feelings repeated back at me
mocked and pulled apart it hurts I
spend so much time hiding anyway and

Those secrets
That I wasn’t fast enough to
banish from the mind I’ve been
sharing? that stopped me meeting the
gentle eyes of the people that love me
that I couldn’t face because nobody is
meant to know all your
dirty
 depths.  I’m lucky now,
 I know my eyes are mine alone,
 know it’s only me here in my
head but that panic still
rises like bile with every back ground noise
on nights like tonight, so much like
then. And I am so
stupid for watching this zombie movie that
would have had me chewing whatever
nails I had down to the quick once,
I wish...I
should be afraid of them, I should be asleep
 instead I’m sat here flipping
channels, flipping songs flipping over
reasons why I don’t seem to care about anything or
anyone,
just me. I should be crying
My chest hurts

Reviews

[Lilly Negoi]

splendidly done :). this is a poem i wish i had the strength to write...

[...]

These days and these nights - they are my days and nights too. Your poetic voice is so precise and so poignant. I am in tears. This isolation is sometimes insurmountable. I don't know how to transcend it and return to a point in time when there was more. Yet, these words inspire me. You inspire me.

[CashTheWriter]

This is great

[FJ Davis]

"...dirty depths" is certainly an accurate term for that quirky--sometimes frightening--psychic sludge we'd often rather keep hidden.
This work shows immense talent. I wish you well, _mal.

[Joiedevivre]

Brilliant! so brilliant, I love the drawling rhythm, the darkness, the restless chewing of the lip, the hatred of the self.
I love to see the hated reflection of myself. i wonder why.
Great write!