Helianthus

Helianthus

A Poem by Aidan
"

I wrote this for someone special! It's a piece that means a lot to me, but I feel like my last few lines could have been a bit stronger. I would love some suggestions!

"
Helianthus,
helianthus

with your petals brighter than the setting sun

Helianthus,
         oh, helianthus

you carry a sweet,
                     sweet scent - yet I have none.

Helianthus, my Helianthus

Though
other flowers stand taller,
        their petals more fragrant,
                and their leaves far more full than I

I still dream deeply, and often, of your fields filled with row upon row
of brightly blooming yellow sunflowers.

© 2014 Aidan


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Aw this is a sweet poem. I actually am not a fan of poetry, and I either don't understand most of what I read or I honestly think it's just poorly written. I prefer poems that have a very well defined rhythm, with rhyming and alliteration. Take Edgar Allan Poe's work for example. BUT this was actually a nice poem. I like the repetition but I don't really understand why you spaced the lines out the way you did (this could be due to my lack of knowledge when it comes to poetry and its structure). I believe that each new line should be capitalized as well, but I'd look into that. So she's a helianthus (or a sunflower), which is a tall, beautiful flower. Are you describing yourself near the end when you say "other flowers stand taller, their petals more fragrant, and their leaves far more full than I"? That's where I got a little bit confused. Also, if you're speaking of yourself there, I think that last part could be reworded to something like: "and their leaves are far fuller than mine". I think that would flow better. As for the ending, it's alright. I have no suggestions to give because I'm not a poet but I think (and this is just 100% an opinion and nothing more) that the last lines should be sadder. As if the poet feels inadequate and unworthy of someone so special. BUT the poem has special meaning to you and it has to apply to you. I just like tragedies I suppose. :)

I'm so sorry that I can't give true constructive criticism on this piece. My forte is in stories and novels. I can correct spelling, grammar, plot, characterization, pacing, ect. But this is a completely different animal. I will say that I genuinely enjoyed it though.

Posted 5 Years Ago



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Added on November 24, 2014
Last Updated on November 24, 2014
Tags: Love, Sunflowers, Poetry

Author

Aidan
Aidan

San Antonio , TX



About
English/Teaching Major that enjoys reading (and writing!) poetry, science fiction, and horror. Looking to keep a place where I can post writing and get some constructive feedback. Would love to hear y.. more..

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