Chapter 3 - In which the ground rules are established

The next thing to be done was the establishment of a strict set of criteria by which each burger/establishment could be judged. After several beers’ worth of hard thinking, our heroes had made absolutely no progress whatsoever, as they were preoccupied by something shiny in the corner. A television was showing the women’s tennis final, and both were distracted by the short skirts and grunting. (I mean that the grunting was coming from the TV, not that our heroes were distracted and grunting. Although let's face it, they probably were)

Once the match was over, two minutes’ research on the internet provided them with their criteria.

“Firstly,” began Alan, “we should judge them for juiciness. A dry burger is probably the worst mistake one can make, other than pairing a Pinot Noir with fish.”

“Jesus Christ Alan, that was ONE time,” replied Hector irritably. “When will you let it go? I’ve already apologised several times, both to you in person and in writing to the winery.”

“I will let it go when I feel you have properly atoned for your mistake!” bellowed Alan, flecks of spittle flying from his mouth like phlegmatic accusations. Alan took matters of etiquette seriously. (Though he would be horrified for his acquaintances and the public at large to learn of his propensity to scoop peanut butter straight from the jar, with a banana. The monster...)

This argument raged for several minutes, before our heroes were calm enough to return to the matter at hand.

“Secondly,” continued Hector, “we have to concentrate on the bun. Tied in with the juiciness of the meat is the integrity of the bun. It is no good to have a delicious product falling apart all over one’s hands, rendering it impossible to eat. But a good burger bun is more than simply a method of conveying the beef patty to one’s mouth. It should taste freshly made, (toasting is an obvious sign of an attempt to disguise this) and should ideally be a soft, white, floury bun. I will also accept, under certain circumstances, a bun made from wholemeal wheat or, very occasionally, some other type of bread such as Italian ciabatta.”

“My dear sir,” remarked Alan with respect, “I could not have put it better, or more eloquently myself. With this insightful analysis, you have almost entirely made up for the Pinot Noir incident. Almost.”

“I thank you for your kind words,” replied Hector. “I furthermore propose that we name this category, the ‘Patrick Stewart Criterion’, in honour of the wonderful thespian.”

At this Alan said nothing, but simply stood and slowly clapped...