Prologue

This is a possible prologue for a story I've been writing. It's the one that I've spent the most time on so far and my boyfriend's been trying to encourage me to "get my work out there". So here goes.

Prologue

     Hey, why are we looking out of binoculars? Tabi asked, even though her sister couldn’t hear her. You don’t need them. We should be down there, getting a closer look. That man is some prime stock right there.

     OI! Up your hearing! I want to know what he’s saying to that girl.

     After a few seconds of mental poking and prodding, her sister finally adjusted her hearing range.

     Good girl, Tabi praised.

     “So,” the guy was saying. “What are you doing this evening?”

     “Not much,” the girl answered, feigning indifference.

     Ooh, she’s gooood, she totally wants him but she’s going to make him work for it.

     “Fancy doing something with me?” he tried again.

     “Depends,” she shrugged. “What do you wanna do?”

     “We could catch a movie, maybe go to dinner?”

     “What and where?”

     “Anywhere you like, sweetheart,” he grinned.

     Ooh! Ooh! Did you see that? He’s pulling out the big guns now. Speaking of which, have you seen those arms? That guy is ripped!

     “Hmm, I don’t know,” the girl stalled, even though Tabi could hear that her heart rate had gone through the roof.

     “You don’t want to go?” he asked, a note of something close to relief in his voice.

     Relief? Tabi thought. Why would he be relieved when he asked her? Strange man.

     “Now, I didn’t say that, but I was supposed to be having a girls night in with my friend.”

     “I thought you said you weren’t doing much?

     Good point buff boy, she’s playing you.

     “Well, we don’t do much, just watch films and do facials and stuff. You know, girls stuff.”

     “That’s cool, maybe some other time then,” he sighed, turning to leave.

     “Wait!” the girl panicked, realising that she might have blown her chance at a date with one of the hottest guys she’d probably ever met.

     “I, uh, maybe we could do a double date thing?”

     “Uh, sure,” came the disappointed reply, but the girl didn’t seem to notice his tone. “I’ll bring my brother along too.”

     “Is he as hot as you?” she asked, giving him a saucy smile.

     “We’re twins,” he answered, turning away again.

     The girl’s eyebrows rose.

     “Identical twins,” he shot over his shoulder.

     The poor girl nearly passed out, right there on the pavement.

     FOLLOW HIM! Tabi demanded.

     As her sister moved, leaves obscured her vision before presenting her with a scene that would have given any girl a heart attack. There was buff boy’s brother, and he wasn’t kidding when he said identical.

     “So,” his brother greeted him.

     “She said yes,” he answered, shoulders slumping.

     “Ah, ha ha,” his brother teased. “Sucker! I told you.”

     “Yeah, yeah, thanks for putting me on a date that I don’t want to go on.”

     “You’re welcome.”

     “Bright side is though,” buff boy grinned, clapping his brother on the shoulder, “you’re coming too.”

     “What?” his brother’s face dropped.

     “Double date, ha!”

     “What? No!” he protested. “Nick! Wait, why?” he demanded as Nick walked off.

     “Nick!”

     Nick? Tabi thought. Why does that ring a bell? I should know a Nick with a twin. Nick, twins, Nick. Hmm. Oh! It’s you! Don’t let them out of your sight! she ordered her sister, needing to hear the other twins name.

     “Because I said so, Caleb,” Nick called back.

Reviews

[KAin]

A very interesting beginning! The flow of this was enjoyable and extremely fun to read. The length of it is very digestible as well (it's something I personally struggle with).
Keep up the good work - I'll read more of it as soon as I can!

[lexgremlin88]

Thanks :) I'm actually going to dispose of this prologue and completely change it :S I know what you mean about struggling with the length of a prologue / chapter ... I have a very bad habit of making my chapters too long.
Alex x

[Alex Falkner]

I think this is pretty good, was a little confused at first, then I realized what was going on it all made sence.
Maybe a little more description at the beginning to clarify exactly what's going on, other than that, I really see nothing else that's an issue.
Great work, look forward to reading more.

Tammy.

[lexgremlin88]

Thanks :) I did think about putting a bit more description in but it's not supposed to give too much away to the reader...it plays into something bigger in the main story :) I'll have another think about things though and see if I can come up with anything. Thanks :) x

[Alex Falkner]

Ah, right, I did actually wonder if it was meant to be like that after I'd posted the review, because I have a habit of doing the same thing.
If it's going to give away too much, don't change it unless you can do it without giving anything away.

Tammy.

[lexgremlin88]

Well, I got a review similar to yours on another website, so I'm going to revisit it some time in the next week or so to see if I can sort it out :) fingers crossed it works haha x

[Shivam Murari]

So you are writing a book. Welcome to Writerscafe, the resort to the world's best writers, who may not be so famous, yet more talented than the lot of famous ones.

Nice starting to a love story , perhaps? :-)

[lexgremlin88]

Thanks :) it's not primarily a love story, but there are elements of it involved :)

[Divyanshu Kachhap]

Even i am one poem old in this website but you write far better than me :)

[lexgremlin88]

Haha, aw, thank you :) I just read your poem and I think it's wonderful, it brought a big smile to my face. So don't put yourself down, I think you write very well :)

[Divyanshu Kachhap]

thanks a lot

[Divyanshu Kachhap]

thanks a lot