The Change

At what point did I realize that we were falling apart, that our relationship had transformed into something so dead, so cold? Looking back, I was in denial for a long time. Really, we ended a long time before you actually left me. We used to call each other every day, ten or so times each day. We would talk for hours and hours. I would have to sneak off with my sisters phone, or beg Mum to lend me hers so I could call you, because I’d always run out of minutes less than a week into each month, because I spent so long talking to you. I was grounded for a month that time I called your mobile twelve times on the house phone, and ran up that huge phone bill. You would call everyday at five forty, on your way to work. Your boss would get annoyed because you’d be stood outside for another fifteen minutes after you got there, not wanting to hang up and end our conversation. In the end, he would have to come out and tell you to hurry up, you were late, and they needed you to get on with it. I’d wait up every night until you finished work, counting down the minutes, eleven o’clock seeming so far away, not being able to wait for you to call on your way home. But then those calls on your way to work wouldn’t come. You’d always run out of minutes, or your phone wasn’t working properly, or you were in a rush because you were really, really late, and didn’t have time to call because you’d had to run all the way. And the calls after work stopped. Your phone ran out of battery, or you left it at work, or got a lift home, or didn’t get out of work until really late, and didn’t want to wake me, you didn’t know I was waiting up like always, you were only thinking of me. And when I called you, all I’d get was the dial tone. Because your mum had confiscated your phone, or you’d left it upstairs, or because it had gone funny and wouldn’t let you answer calls. Or at least it was at first. After a while it was because you were out, you were busy with other people, and God, why do I have to suffocate you all the time?, you were allowed to spend time with your friends, didn’t I know. Or you’d give me an excuse, but I’d see the facebook statues. Even though your phone was broken, or out of battery, or left somewhere you’d forgotten it, you’d managed to put things on there too, ‘via mobile’, it said. But you’d borrowed someone else’s phone, of course you weren’t lying about not being able to use yours, of course you weren’t just ignoring me, why was I being so paranoid, always accusing you, being so unfair, so demanding, so clingy, couldn’t I see that I was just SUFFORCATING you? You used to want me there.  We would spend all day talking to each other, if not face to face, texting continuously all day. Conversations that never ended, opening up into new topics and just carrying on forever. Then the texts stopped coming, and I couldn’t say anything that didn’t make you angry. Those paragraph long texts turned into one word answers, the conversations turned into arguments, where every little word said seemed to be a step towards you getting angry with me. I’d say I didn’t like baked beans, and suddenly you’d be shouting at me.  You went from saying ‘I love you’ every other sentence to not being able to say those words to me at all. Maybe because those words had become a lie. We started out unable to keep away from each other. We’d skip lessons, get out of class, sneak away at breaks and lunch, just to be alone together. But then you’d be too busy to come be with me, the lesson would be REALLY important, or you would be talking to someone, and you didn’t want to seem rude by leaving them, and you hardly EVER got to spend time with them, I saw you ALL THE TIME, wasn’t that enough? Just five more minutes, then you’d come with me. Just another two, you’d be with me soon. Oh, look, its time for lessons, you’d have to go, never mind. No, you couldn’t skip the lesson today, you were behind enough as it was.  And just like that, you were pulling away. I still don’t know what made everything change. I don’t know when it changed. But I think I know the moment I really realised that it had changed. It was that night that was the moment I realised it had changed so much that there was no going back. You know the one I mean. It was a chance for us to spend some time together. I was going to make sure we got on. I was going to get us back on track. But then you decided you wanted to go back to hers. You invited me over to spend the night at yours, but then you wanted to go back with her. And we argued in the street, and I got angry, and demanded, and then I got upset and pleaded. But you’d made up your mind, and it didn’t matter what I said. So you left me. I called after you, telling you not to leave me, pleading with you, but you didn’t look back. So I walked home by myself, crying so hard that twenty people asked me if I was okay. And then you never texted me again. And I suppose that’s when I knew just how much things had changed.