Changing Emotions

soaring smiles

clouds of doubt appear

falling frowns

Author's Note

Senryu (3/3/3) 12.13.06

Reviews

[Nusquam Esse]

I am not so sure about the way the lines transition; but I must confess that I am intrigued by the juxtaposition within it. Not to mention the bonus of Alliteration between the first and third line. Just a suggestion, how about changing the second line to be "Clouds of Confusion" or "Clouded Confusion"? Not only does it further develop the alliteration, but it also makes it less about an image, and more of an impression. With so few words, the importance lies within the impact and nuance of, and between, lines. The usage of "Doubt appear" causes an awkward flow (in my personal opinion) since it deviates stylistically, not just in the lack of alliteration (which could be considered arguably gimmicky) Rather, the main reason I say this is that the first and final line focus on an image and the emotions which seem to embody them, the second line rather uses the verb 'appear' which gives it an action. Somehow I feel the senryu would be more poignant if the action was conveyed in the spaces between the lines. Hahah, I must sound insane, rambling over so few words. But it is difficult to carry a Japanese nuance into an English poem. Oh, and your author's note shows 3/3/3 rather than 3/5/3. So far I am enjoying your interpretations of the senryu.

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~~ excellent work... you really captured the transition very well...

[Alisa Js]

Thank you again, serah

Alisa💫

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~~ you're very welcome, dear alisa... :)

[ANTO]

love the layered metaphorical work here Alisa -

weathering the storms
thunderous applause from me
sunny skies forecast

[Alisa Js]

Hello again ANTO,

Thank you so much for the clever senryu 😃. You are quite the talented one!

Wishing you a great week ahead...

Alisa😃

[jacob erin-cilberto]

you are really good at these senryus, Alisa.

those falling frowns, smiles that are upside down.

[Alisa Js]

Thank you jacob😃