i open my mouth and words fall out

it was just yesterday that i realized 
that it's been 6 years too long that i've been here 
in this place 

im not even sure this place exists 
it's not real 
it's illusory 
it's nothing more than the words we define it as 

but isn't that true with everything? 
our words are what give value to things 

so don't spend a single word on me 
you've already spent too many 
but spend words on that little beautiful flower you keep staring at 
that one song that hurts you in all the right ways 

spend your words on things that matter 
don't do what i do 
f*****g poetry 
it's not worth much to anyone but me 

so nobody but me can give it value 

i should like that 
i should feel empowered 
so why do i feel like i'm abusing my own words? 
like i'm treating them terribly? 

why does it feel like i'm thinking in a way too volatile for my words to survive? 

somebody 
anybody please 
tell me why i think my words are hurting 

sometimes i can hear them scream at me 
in pain maybe 
in agony 
maybe something else 
but i can hear them scream 

i know that i'm hurting my words 
but how can i stop them from hurting 
how can i think without words 

if only i could free them from my mind they wouldn't have to be so tortured anymore 
they wouldn't have to scream until they've lost their edge 
they wouldn't have to cry until they've lost their mind 

if only i could save my words for something worth anything 

but they like to run away from me 
fast 
fast 

they'll fall out of my mouth and jump away 
leaving me without anything to say but a jumble of meaningless words 

they'll fall off my tongue like they've been waiting their whole life to be able to talk 
like they can't wait but show themselves to the world 

i open my mouth and words fall out 
uncontrollably 
excruciatingly 

some of them scratch their way out 
some of them kick 
scream 
cry 
hit 
bash 
cut 
stab their way out 

it's never easy to watch them leave me 
 
i wish i could save my words 
make them stop hurting 
make them worth something 

worth anything. 

[m.r.]