To Hide Her Despair

The flowers,

They danced,

In her hair,

And she whisked,

And she twirled,

Without a care,

To the music in her soul,

Beating louder than her heart,

To hide her despair,
Her despair.

Author's Note

When i wrote this, i had this idea of a story in which the main character would mumble or hum the tune of a song after each event in the story happened, and that each stanza of this poem would follow one of the events, and then at the end it would be revealed that the character was hiding their despair throughout the story....but i haven't written anything yet.

Reviews

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I like that it reads almost like a nursery rhyme, yet deals with the topic of despair. There is a strange discordance there that gives impact to the piece. In just a few words you get your point across extremely well. So much is said by that rhythm against the topic and the first 3 stanzas seemingly so happy...then, you reveal the truth hidden by her behavior.

I do have 2 very small suggestions, to consider if you wish - to me the "they" could be removed before "danced" without sacrificing anything

and the "a" could be omitted from line 6. Then it would just be "without care".
These may not work for you....just my take.

Really good and an example in packing a punch into a brief piece.

[allie_arrowz]

thanks so much! i'll take those critiques into consideration.

[allie_arrowz]

i do think those changes would make the poem more fluid, but to me i've read it so many times that it's kinda like a song to me and i can't change it haha. thanks though!

[Shimmerbliss/CAF]

I understand...just suggestions...you'll know what you want to do. Great poem either way.

[Jordan A. Wilson]

I see a picture of a free yet trouble spirit and a hypnotizing personality nevertheless. Very nice job.

[eglantine]

I had a moment very similar to this, except instead of flowers it was shots and I was dressed as a zombie... I love the structure of the poem--how it resembles a single swollen tear. She is hiding her emotions, but they construct her, just like the poem. Beautiful job :)

[allie_arrowz]

haha interesting. thanks!

[Rusty]

Elegant subtle conveying so much.

[allie_arrowz]

thanks rusty!

[Leslie Philibert]

I wish my tea pot could write as well as you.....this is a great poem, the kind of poetry I like, young, fresh, honest, there are many good words I could find to describe it, great.

[Paul R. Watson]

I like it. Good rhymeing and imagry about depression without being cheesey haha. good work :)

[allie_arrowz]

thanks dude!