Still Looking For Reasons

You've made me hate all the things I once loved. Yet, I can't stop looking for reasons to hang onto you.

I hate sunsets

They remind me of the first time I noticed how beautiful the setting sun was

watching in wonder as the vibrant colors melted together in the sky

I questioned then, how could I have not noticed this before?

And my mom smiled saying, it’s because you’re in love

I hate the stars

They take me back to when you were trying so hard to catch my eye

you dragged me to the middle of your yard and we sat in the cold grass

pointing to different constellations, naming as many as you could

I never knew I could feel so comfortable lying on the hard ground

I hate my favorite song

Every time the damn thing comes on, there we are again

we’re in your kitchen acting like we have no care in the world

you’re lip syncing to Fall Out Boy as I try to catch your kisses between the versus

Your lips had the sweet taste of innocence

I hate autumn

The view of leaves falling softly to the ground is all too similar to our first date

You couldn’t hide your amusement that I made the effort to step on every crunchy leaf

Our love being new then, I still shied away from your touch just ever so slightly

but you never left my side while you led me to what would become “our spot”

I hate streetlamps

All I can ever see when they come on at night is your face lit beneath them

It was half past midnight and we were walking to my car when you suddenly stopped

pulling me closer because you just wanted to remember this feeling for a minute more

I can picture, all too clearly, the way the light shone on just the two of us

I hate my favorite show

I’ve a tendency to push my interests onto those around me as a way to show I care

I wanted to show I cared as I eagerly brought every season over to your house

It was hard to keep my walls up so high that day and I finally started to let them down

you were gentle as you held me, and I was grateful because others hadn’t been

I hate coffee mugs

I had never been much of a gift giver in my life, but that changed when we met

I found myself excitedly planning what to buy you for each holiday and birthday

finding that, I too, can selflessly think of other’s happiness

I gave you a custom coffee mug with our phrase on it, “Maybe I love you”

I hate flowers

When we first met, I told you right away how much I adored them

there is just something about having flowers that makes my heart flutter

You were driving me around in a shopping cart when we found a plastic bouquet of my favorites

I couldn’t contain my childlike excitement that you were buying me them

I hate my favorite candy

The taste takes me back to having the most cliche date one could imagine;

riding carnival rides, playing all the games, winning stuffed animals-nauseatingly sweet

Then we got to the ferris wheel that I so desperately wanted to ride with you

You were scared of heights, but you didn't hesitate to take my hand and sit at the top

I hate that this list isn’t even a fraction of the way completed

I’ve rambled on for several minutes now and I haven’t made a dent

I’ve never cared for bitter people, but that’s who I am now

You’ve turned me into something I never wanted to be

I have to be this way though

I have to avoid all these things that once gave me joy

because even a fragment of a memory of us

causes pain to flare up inside me

it slows down the beating of my heart until I wonder

how much longer until it’s just dead weight in my chest?

Crawling into my throat, making it too thick to even speak

I can barely manage to breathe

My syllables are coming out forced

as I’m trying to shove out an “I’m fine” from my clenched teeth

I’m not fine though and my head is spinning

dizzy from trying to forget the sound of your voice

It’s the type of pain that brings you to your knees, begging for it to stop

There is this horrible ache within me that does nothing but consume

swallowing me up in heartbreak until there’s nothing left of me

I’m drowning myself in whiskey hoping the burning might distract me,

finding some boys whose lips may for a moment wash away the taste of yours,

popping a few sleeping pills so tonight I might get to sleep,

I’m willing to do anything to numb the pain

The worst part though is I know this is for the best-we just weren’t meant to last

I know this the way I know the sky is blue;

it’s a simple undeniable fact

I know it the way I know you’re happier this way,

the way I know she's better for you,

the way I know that you just don’t love me anymore

But no matter how many times I drill these things into my head

having the facts placed in front of my eyes, I can’t stop hoping that maybe I’m wrong

I’ve just added things up incorrectly, I missed something somewhere,

there must still be some reason to still wait for you

when we both know there never has been

Author's Note

I was in a bitter mood. *shrugs*

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