Part One

I just re-wrote a bunch of what I had previously written as my story changed tremendously. I originally was just searching for myself in a way that became very trivial when the true journey hit me...

It was 3:00 a.m. on a Monday morning. I don't remember if I was already awake when he finally came to bed or if he woke me up as he walked into our bedroom. I knew something had been off, and I thought I knew why, but I had no idea of the words that would be coming out of his mouth very soon. That moment in life had come... one of the moments a spouse dreads. No, not a physical death, but I guess you could say a death of sorts. I would eventually come to realize that it was the death of two broken individuals. Either way the pain was hanging in the room, the heaviness was in the air, the trembling was visible. I think I am going to be very sick. I don't know what to do with myself or where to go in this very moment. Is it to the bathroom to vomit or do I go downstairs? Do I stay right where I am in this very moment? Will my legs even be able to get me to a different location? I don't know, but the words are real, and I feel as though my body just became covered with fire ants, hornets, yellow jackets, wasps and one annoying tarantula hawk. Twenty thousand volts of pain just hit my body, and the insects are biting and stinging me on every inch of my body. Will I survive? I don't have an answer for that. This is only a nightmare. I must be sleeping. I will wake up. Please, please wake up. I am very much awake. This is not a bad dream. This is very real in this very moment. What do I do with this new information that just put me into a paralyzed position? All it took was certain words that came out as a sentence that would change my being. It would actually lead me to a person within me that I had not seen in quite some time, well, parts of me that I had never seen before. A moment. Just one moment and a couple of sentences. Life comes at us at times in ways we would never expect. I guess I thought I was immune to such things, but the challenges still have a way of finding us. Maybe I could say they have a way of hunting us down and tranquilizing us so they can drag us to their desired destination. I came to find out that my destination was one that had a seat reserved for me for quite some time. I went kicking and screaming, but only on the inside. Some force or strength or cosmic phenomenon was working overtime to keep me peaceful, or as peaceful as possible, on the outside. This was after the initial shock of course. "Why are you doing this to us? Why are you doing this to us?" This was my initial sentence of choice. My brain had emptied itself of any other words, well other than the words that I had just heard. I can't go to work today. I don't know how to face the world in a few hours with this new knowledge and little to no sleep. I texted a co-worker at 4 a.m. to say please, please help me with my 9:15 class. I guess I actually did fall asleep for maybe an hour. At 6 a.m. I re-texted my co-worker to say never mind. I am doing this. How am I going to put on a show for these people? I have no idea, but I will find a way. Life must keep going on. I can't sink to the bottom and drown. How in the world am I going to make it through this? I just took what felt like 50 daggers to my heart. I am still alive. I am not dead. Life must go on.

*********************

I guess it was somewhere around the summertime of 2014. I sat at work with those all too familiar feelings of being stuck, stagnant, complacent, unhappy in my working life, unhappy in our finances, unhappy where I was in general in life... again. How is it that I keep finding myself back here every so many years? Every time that I think that I am finally where I am supposed to be I seem to still end up back  in this non-productive and unhappy place I thought would surely be a thing of the past this time. Once I take this other job I will be happier. Once I move I will be happier. Once I lose weight to the point of looking like I am on the verge of anorexia I will be happy. Once I meet someone new I will be happier. Once I figure out what I actually want to do in life I will be happier. Once the weather turns warm again I will be happier. 'Once I' became a common theme in my life after my college years. I always felt happy with myself when I liked what I saw on the outside - what I saw in each mirror that I passed - or so I thought. I would say the biggest struggle after college was trying to figure out what I wanted to do with my life. I was never in a hurry to get married, but of course I always thought that one day when I do get married I will most certainly be so much happier because life will be easier then. Well the different jobs would come, the moving would happen, I was thin, spring always came back around, and I would meet one potential guy after another, and I found the one I wanted to and did marry, etc. etc. So why did I keep finding myself returning to a place of sitting idle and asking the same questions of contemplation of my life and thinking 'once I' again? I found myself in that place again of waking up on Monday mornings with an audible sigh thinking how can this be the start of another new week with absolutely nothing new about it? I guess I have stalled out again and am back with the old familiar dialogue in my mind of,  what if? How can I? Why didn't I? Maybe I could? No, I'm sure I can't. I sit. I wait. I hope. I am in the wrong gear. Did I shift it into reverse again or am I sitting idle in park? I feel like my engine is barely running at times. What am I missing? Something keeps lacking. This can't be as good as it is going to get. This can't be all there is. I am so angry at the stupid choices I had made throughout the years and all of the time I have wasted just waiting for change on the outside. Surely something is going to come along because I am a good person and I deserve the things that I want. Who am I? What do I want out of life? Where is all of this going? I can't keep living this same day and this same week over and over. Life is so predictable and so dull and so full of ruts and sadness and depression and anxiety. I am tired of searching and waiting and wanting and hoping. I am tired of wondering and wishing. None of this gets me anywhere and never has, so why do I keep coming back to it? Something must change, but what and how? I am confused. I am so confused. I am 45 years old, and I just have no idea where my place is in this life. I never have known even during times when I thought it had all finally worked itself out. I just don't know who I am. Are there people out there who really and truly have this all figured out? Do they have it figured out or have they just settled? I don't want to just settle. I want to move forward and contribute more and be more. What are my true fears? Why do I have self doubts? Why do I think I am not good enough? Not good enough for what? Why do I get so overwhelmed? I try to look to the future and I get so overwhelmed of the hopelessness that may follow me there. How many years now have I taken medication to try to find calm? How many more years will those bottles be waiting for me in my cabinet each morning? If I empty out my purse do I keep the Xanax there or do I dare leave home without it? I am not ready to take a chance with that yet. There is just comfort knowing it is there. Peace in a bottle. My peace can come from a bottle. Confusion has set up camp in my mind and in my daily thoughts. If I drink wine in moderation it helps to calm confusion for a bit. If I exceed my moderation it adds crazy to confusion. I must find balance. The anguish at trying to figure this all out and not knowing where to go and what to do next to keep progressing in life weighs heavily on me on some days. My body feels weary from carrying this load that is full of questions of which way next when I come to another fork in the road that requires a decision. I wish someone could make those decisions for me and once and for all point me in the right direction. I know there are personal shoppers out there that will assist you in  dressing properly, but what about personal life decision makers? It shouldn't be this hard in life to realize what it is that you have within you to give, who you want to be and what you want to do. I struggle with these things still as I always have. If nothing else I am at least consistent with these thoughts in life. What would it feel like to soar as free as a bird with no care of direction in the world? I feel as though I have tried to spread my wings in the past with no luck of reaching new heights -only a hovering of my feet over the ground. The highest I have ever gotten is most likely due to a trampoline under my feet. No, I've pretty much always stayed near the comfort of the ground instead as if I were an ostrich in a previous life, not flying but instead running full force ahead and, in my case, with no destination in sight. Just mindless running as if desperately trying to get away from something or is it desperately trying to run to something? Either way there is only running and no lift off. Many times running becomes that of a chicken with its head cut off going in circles and literally disconnected. Thinking of this makes me think of that quote from Albert Einstein that states 'Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Yes, I have been practicing 'insanity' for years....I need to get off my hamster wheel. 

My story began about a year ago with all of these questions looming over my head. I was getting angry at life because I wasn't getting what I wanted: a better house with privacy and a fenced in yard for my dogs, better stuff for inside the better and bigger house, a better vehicle, a better town to live in, a better job that would pay me much better so I could afford things... money, that is what is going to give me and my husband a better life. I must figure out what I want to do so I can make more money. Frantic and angry thoughts began to surface because I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do. I have a degree. I hate what my degree is in. I hate the type of jobs open to a Retail Buying and Merchandising degree. I don't want to go back to school. I have no talents within me. I yearn to be creative, but I am not. I don't want a 9-5 job. I actually don't want to work for someone else. There must be something more inside of me. I need to try harder, but in what? I must try harder. Think. Think. Think. What do I want to do? Time keeps passing by and it is refusing to stop. Am I really half way to my grave? Yes, actually I am. What would I even be remembered for in the first half of my life? Nothing stands out. This brings me sadness. I would be remembered for nothing. Tears. Crying. Sobbing. If only someone would hand money to me. How can I get more money so I can be happy once and for all? I can't count down how many days until the next paycheck again. I wish I had a talent. I wish I would have chosen a better career path. I didn't marry someone rich. Why? I married for love not money. Why? I try to be genuinely happy for all of our friends who are progressing and making more and obtaining more. I can scowl at it all when I am alone and no one can see my true feelings about it. I am just unlucky. I've tried hard, and I've tried job after job. I've had dormant periods where I thought it was o.k. to live off of my credit cards... just for a short period of time... two weeks, a month, two months? Just until I find the right path and figure it all out. How could I come this far and still live in a way in which I would never progress? 

During this period of time I became so consumed with myself and trying to figure myself out and what new path I could take that I didn't feel the shift of the winds. The winds of the Universe were beginning to gently blow here. With each passing month beginning with the summer of 2014 the winds would pick up a little bit more unbeknownst to me that I had asked, I had opened up, and I was on a path of being prepared to receive. I don't know if prepared is the correct word. We can never be fully prepared for anything in this life. I had started a fire. I actually thought I was starting little sparks inside of me - good sparks. The raging fire would come later. As I began asking myself the questions once again in life regarding what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go I thought I was finding these little ah ha moments along the way. When I began pondering life again this time I began writing out thoughts on paper trying to find clarity. As I kept writing randomly I began to realize that I seemed to be very good at putting words on paper. I was just randomly writing, nothing was in order and nothing had direction. Then  for some reason I began writing poems, and for a period of about two months I wrote many poems. Many to me was 10. I wrote 10 poems and they were my tears on paper for the most part. Then I began writing about my journey of being lost for so long and, the idea of sharing this in the form of a book came to the fore front of my mind. Could I really do it? Do I have something like that in me? Is that where my creativity lies? Putting words on paper and making them dance in a way that would touch and help others. Are there others out there that have felt all of these things in life that I have felt? Could I help anyone with my story? Would it be too mediocre? The new questions kept rolling through my thoughts, so I just kept writing. What I didn't realize is that I had set something very big into motion. I thought I was on a little search for self. Little could I know at that point that began between November and December of 2014 that I invited into my life a true journey. I had turned a key somewhere deep inside of me that was connected with the Universe. It then looked at me and said "o.k. fasten your seat belt because here we go!" It would prove to be the worst and the best journey that I would be truly grateful for once I understood. But for now I had no idea what was in store for me. It ended up being the Painfully Beautiful Awakening. 

Author's Note

Please ignore any grammatical errors as I know I need editing. This is just a very small piece of the beginning. Keep in mind that these two sections will eventually tie in together. The first part is more of the present, and the 2nd part goes back about a year ago when the first part of the 'search' began. It will come full circle, or at least I hope!

Reviews

[John]

As I read this I had so many basic questions. I seemed to me I was reading your journal, was that your intention? I understand that you're in your bedroom but I don't have a picture of it. " Sitting in bed in the middle of our stark(or slimy a*s) bedroom ". That gives me just enough information I can see what I consider is what you say it is. I just want something to make it 3-dimensional in my mind. I read a lot about what you want but not about what you have.

Keep going on it . Step outside of yourself and watch it happening and describe that.

[erzahiffey]

It's catchy cos it just caught my interest.