the clan

                        one year before

                           THE CLAN

What are are our plans to take control?I dont know yet we are still to far behind,our troops have disbanded,s**t is falling like elder Lucifer sa..sometimes i wonder about him i mean hell yes he said he would help us but have you noticed that most of our defeates have happened when he gone?Those f**s have got stonger numbers and have and unbelievable arsonal i mean hell they make our army look like little boys compared to there ranks!I believe you should stop right there remember he can hear really good i wont be surprised if he does not pop up like a f*****g jack in the box and tear your unworthy head off!The group silenced as they heard the door open.Lucifer stood at the head of the table and said in the coldest tone in the world"who dares speak ill of me"?The group remained quiet,well now who will speak up?TALK UP OR I WILL KILL ALL OF YOU!So was it you?n.....oo.. sir.I see well how about i just guess who said it!After a minute went by Lucifer spoke "stand up Ronald now",yes siiiiiiirrrrr,"come to me now" When the soon to be deceased Ronald cam within five feet or his leader Lucifer stuck out his finger and jabbed it through the mans neck killing him instanly,spoke to soon huh?Lucifer swung around and shot a blot of lighting through his fingertip in to the mans eye.Now i believe nobody will speak ill of me EVER again?right?And with that Lucifer strode out of the room.

Reviews

[Lynx]

Hey... not trying to be mean or harsh but...

Firstly and most importantly, all grammar, tenses, exclaimation points, aprostophes, paragraphs, are nonexistent. The story becomes jumbled up and unclear, and the reader has no way of finding out who is talking, and who the narrator of the story is.

Also, I think it is too short and undetailed, the story seems to be rushed and not thought through clearly.

When in narration, I think that the narrator should be more concerned about the details of what was happening rather than his emotions at the time. Although emotions are also really important, it is more important to understand clearly what had really fuelled them.

I've read a few stories with the same initial plotline as yours, although I do find your way of writing very unique, describing the enemy group's tactical meetings, inside conflict, etc.

I hope you don't take these comments to heart, and maybe actually try to take my advice, xD.

Cheers, Lingga