Random evening

The sun had already set. I was too engrossed in to my books to observe it. Its only when the light had faded that I looked up. There were clouds, as grey shades, spread across the entire infinity of the sky with only tidbits of clear blue here and there.

There Came the delightful chatter and boisterous laughter from the opposite apartment. I turned towards  to see if I can find the proprietors of that angelic noise instilled with childhood innocence that my ear just witnessed. Though I could make out it was from the apartment, it was rather fastidious to procure  the house that lodged the children as all the houses were as boxes set symmetrical one above the other in about 5 rows and one next to another in two columns. The few opened windows and the slightly ajar doors, my only measures to a peek, were all obscured by the softly swaying colorful cloths  hung on the cloths lines. Then I discerned  a frisky shift of a cheerful kid unanimous with the   dusk breeze that delicately flew  the window curtain of the  house. There the kids were laughing and playing worrying not a care.

 

 

Author's Note

Edited. Thanks to all for your honest reviews. I love criticism for it only helps me to be better. Special thanks to Imara. Please feel to criticise. Thanks!

Reviews

[Prritiy]

liked it, would like to read more of it.

best wishes

[anxia]

Thank you :)

[Prritiy]

you are welcome

[Mina]

Lots of description :)
Very good write !
Keep it up

[anxia]

AW thanks. You can always correct me :)

[littlemiss56]

As previously pointed out by other reviews, I too found some sentence beginnings awkward to read. I felt it upset the flow of the piece. In saying that I did like the visual impact of your words, the scene was set in my mind.

[anxia]

Thanks a lot for the honesty, Lilmiss :) I have edited it. Please feel free to correct me :)

[Sid]

Nice descriptive write...the fairy reference was kind of out of the blue but somehow made the whole situation more surreal, maybe; it is interesting though. Also that one line "I didn't pretty much observe it" is somewhat confusing, can't quite figure it out and i think the 2nd paragraph should begin with another word as it feels incomplete. A few changes and polishing and this would be a very interesting story; also if you could add like some more detail about the whole scene it'd be nice. Other than that an interesting story, good work!

[anxia]

Thank you loads, Sid yadav. I admire your honesty :) I have edited it. Please let me know what you think.

[Imara]

"I didn't pretty much observe it . " This sentence is awkward I would rephrase it, also make sure the period is in the right place haha.
"Came the delightful chatter..." There should be a word before Came in order to make it a proper sentence otherwise it just sounds awkward.
You have some awkward lead ins and the whole fairy thing seems out of no where. It's rather strange but you do set up a more mystical tone.
You give a very clar yet at the same time confusing visual. I'm not sure what you're trying to convey or the scene as a whole but the parts you describe I can see. I think a second draft would help, remember that you are writing to make another person see what you are seeing and that you have to use language and vocabulary that will best do that. Very interesting I'd like to see the whole thing keep going :)

[anxia]

Thanks a ton for the very honest and helpful review, Imara. Thanks for pointing out everything. I sure will produce a second draft. I am glad that writers cafe treasures some one as honest as you. I love honesty :)

[Imara]

I'm glad that you can take criticisms so well some are do not have that gift. I'm glad you're going to make a second draft I look forward to reading it. :)

[anxia]

I have edited it now, Imara. Thanks to you for the honesty and encouragement. It took me quite a while to edit it as i was busy with my final exams.

[Imara]

I know the feeling. Final exams get in the way of everything! Haha

[anxia]

True :P so what do you think of the edited version?

[Imara]

I like it, flows much better in my opinion :)

[anxia]

Thanks a ton For your reviews :)

[The dark story]

the description is nice.

[anxia]

Thanks :)

[luviva]

random eveining., random thoughts n random occurances like the wave of joy............
i loved the descriptive nature of the poem

[anxia]

Thank you :)

[Dayran]

Random thoughts on a random evening in a random poem. Randomly done.

[Baby Ricochet]

Interesting story. "I didn't pretty much observe it" is a weird sentence.

[anxia]

Thank you BR.