CONFESSIONS of an ADDICT

(some time six months ago)

I AM LOST.

I’ve been ADDICTED and I never knew until it was almost too late.  I got so high and I did not realize that I was speedingfast with a blank stare to the highway to hell, to the road of eternal damnation.

I’m so scared.  It’s so dark where I am now.  The silence in this place is defeaning.  I long for voices, the sound of music, the whistle of the rain.  This darkness extends to infinity, yet as confining as a coffin.  I never wanted to end up here.How could it possibly be?  Such feeling of happiness, of bliss can lead me to this place.  To this place of lost souls.  To this place of hopelessness.

I want to rid myself of this disease, it’s slowly taking over.engulfing me whole.  I want to purify my blood,wash it all out of my system.  I want to cleanse  my mind,my heart, my soul.  I had my eyes but for so long I was painted blind.  I was like a puppet on a string, a  spider caught in a web of lies.  I had my heart, yet it died when it learned how to feel.  I felt my soul’s burning fire, yet it slowly withered away along with everything else.

WHY?! TELL ME WHY.

How come it had come to this?  I am on the edge.  The pain, oh the pain.  It’s excruciating.  It’s all I know now.  I just want it to end.I want everything to stop.  I can never go on like this.  I’ve been buried ALIVE! All because I believed.  All because I’ve allowed myself to feel.  All because this heart started to beat like crazy over some guy.

This is raging madness!  I can feel it.  I’m dancing with Death.  I can feel Him choking what very little amount of Life left in me.  And soon..soon, if I can’t find my way out He’ll take me  away with His Eternal Kiss.

Am I self destructing?

I’m ruining my life for nothing.  I’m heading for my own doom for nothing.  I am becoming NOTHING.

Is it really beyond my control now?

I think you already know.  You can take a wild guess, and it’ll bring you closer to the truth.  The truth about the darkness, the suffering behind these hazel eyes.

LOVE.

It had been my drug of choice.  My SICK OBSESSION.  And it led me to this.  To this lovesick fool, reduced me to this pathetic state that I am in now.

I have to get into REHAB.

I must find my way back.  I MUST EMBRACE LIFE once again.

The only problem is, I don’t know where to start and how.