Vulnerable

Love and life, a complex combination

You have broken down a barrier. A barrier I have worked so hard to build. A wall so high that placing each brick down seemed mindless. An act I no longer had to think about as I continued to live. Days went by, bricks went up and the barrier was strong. You had the power to tear it down so fast, I didn't realize it was happening. But now in its place is fear. Excitement and a sense of simultaneous uneasiness as tall as the previous barricade remained instead. The barrier was my safety. It allowed me to stay hidden and guarded. But now I feel an emptiness that only you can fill and it terrifies me. I am scared that I will become dependent and love too hard. I am afraid that I will push you away and anyone else that finds a way to break the barrier. Without it, I am in danger. Danger of falling into a pit of emotion. A pit that buries me so deep that I don't recognize myself. If anyone filling the void that the blockade left behind, leaves, I am afraid of what will be left. Will I be an empty shell, no longer a whole being on my own? Will I feel the pain in everything I do like I have previously?

I do not know if it is the previous pain that I have endured from the wall’s substitute leaving that scares me so much to feel it again or the horror that this time it will be worse. I see potential and growth in the new barrier breaker that I have never seen before or allowed myself to feel. It is excitement and optimism yet an all-encompassing apprehension that persists that I acknowledge its presence. I cannot comprehend what shell will be left after another heartache, another hope being ripped away from me. That is the biggest fear of all. Losing my trust and optimism that so genuinely makes me who I am, I don't know who I’d be without them.

I hate the fact that I hold this doubt, that I allow other people to have this power over me, but I am so heavily shaped by the emotions and presence of others; it is who I am. A combination of every encounter, interaction, and connection I have felt, who have made me who I am. This is why the barrier protects me. It stunts my growth as a human being but also stops the potential hurt that could take away these parts of me. Yet, the broken barrier paralyzes me. I am paralyzed with fear and a sense of new excitement that has been latent for too long. Maybe the biggest apprehension I have is allowing myself to let go, knowing that with that leap comes the sacrifice of potential pain. That's the game we play with vulnerability. The juggle between cost and potential rewards that create each of our experiences in life.

Reviews

[Rye]

This has a lot of emotion through out it, so nicely written and expressed