A story of my Life before you get to know me

This story is about a part of my past that has made me into the type of person no one wants to be

So far in my life I have been physically, mentally, and verbally abused; I have been put so far down in life that I have put a gun in my mouth and to my tempel multiple times. I’ve cut myself over 100 I have tried to hang myself well over 30 times in my life. I have never really been much of a people person because of my past. I’ve just found it easier to hide in the shadows and not get attached to people or things. 

In the end I  always get left or hurt so bad I can feel my heart just want to shrink and break into pieces. I have been depressed most of my life. I found my mother dead in our living room on the couch when I was just about to leave for school. She passed away October 1st 2018 from liver failure because she was an alcoholic. I feel like it is my fault that she is dead because the day before she passed away we got into a big fight and I told her I wish she was dead and out of my life because I hate her. 

I could have done more to help her before any of that happened. I could have talked her into going to the hospital or something but she loved her addiction more than her own son; I tried a lot of things to help her but she just made empty promises to me. I didn't even get to tell her that I love her before she passed away. My last words were I HATE YOU; I HOPE YOU DIE!! When it came to her funeral I didn't show much emotion because she told me “when I die I don't want you to cry be strong” so I told her I would, and i was until her urn was brought out and put on the table I actually had to leave the church where her funeral was, because I was crying so much. I had to grow up fast in my life and I never had much of a childhood.

Reviews

[Kerra]

Thank you for sharing a piece of your life. We all have are hardships.

[Julie McCarthy (juliesp..]

Thanks for sharing such personal details of your young life
You’ve already witnessed and been to hell n back and believe me your mother did love you she was tormented by her alcohol addiction she probably tried to stop but sometimes it’s impossible
It wasn’t your fault that she’s dead ok stop blaming yourself as you age and get older you will realise people’s life choices are not connected to anyone but themselves don’t have that heavy burden on your shoulder toss it to the ocean
Pray make peace with her shout it to the heavens somewhere to her that you loved her and didn’t wish her dead she will hear you I’m sure you already have
Finally get councselling if you can talk it over about the guilt you feel this will in time go if you talk it over
I’ve had alcoholic problems I got thru it and believe me there was nothing my kids could say while I was drinking to make me stop ✋ so don’t say that you didn’t do enough to stop her it was a disease 🦠
I’m sorry your joy of childhood was taken away please keep writing it will help
Maybe in the future write a short or long book on your life it may stop other mums or dads drinking
Whatever please make peace with your guilt you didn’t make her die by your words ok
I lost a sister to suicide in 1982 and felt guilty last half of my life I’m now 62 I still feel guilt I wasn’t helping her enough it screwed my life up so do nt let it screw your life up ok 👌 excuse the expression
Again it’s not your fault get a counseling appointment before the guilt eats away at you
All the best you are only young live your life do well in memory for your mother live your best life she will be proud

[Nix Is Still Typing...]

Please know that it's not your fault that your mother died...addiction is a disease...and it's not pretty... and unfortunately, many people struggle with it. Yeah, you had a fight with your mom and told her you hated her...that's a normal thing that teenagers do (I mean, I'm seventeen, I've never done it, but that's just because I'm scared that if I ever said that to my dad, he'd LITERALLY murder me). Kids and their parents get in fights all the time...that s**t just happens. It's not your fault that your mom was an alcoholic, that was her choice. Thank you for coming to the cafe and entrusting us with your life story...for the most part, we're a very welcoming community :) You're not responsible for your mom's death...she loved you...some addictions are just stronger than love...trust me...I should know... Again, I love that you came here and told your story. Thank you for sharing...please keep sharing. :)

Kindly, Nix ❤️

[lightsong]

Please dear Boy first and before anything since You took a big step that You want to change your life by coming here to the cafe and make it your home, please change your name, these things matter... image that it's your real name and You are called by it, how it would make You feel? the energy of it, how unpleasantly negative it would be? come here with a fresh energy start that by changing your name, second, it's NEVER your fault, NEVER your fault, NEVER your fault, didn't You know that You already knew it? when You said she loved her addiction more than her son? my dear, You are not responsible for anyone's action, she was the adult not You, she was supposed to take care of You not the opposite. You are a young lad who faced a lot, still young and You can fix and make your life ahead more beautiful, more in purpose, share and talk with those who experience(ed) similar situations, it's where You can find comfort and the will to go on.

welcome here our new little dear Poet Mr. Alive Man Blooming 💕

[PamiAnde]

I'm wanting to call you LiveGuyTalking. Keep it up. You have a lot to say. Can be the first step to healing.

[barleygirl]

Thank you for coming to the cafe & trusting us with this. That takes a ton of courage. Before I go on, a little about me. I'm 65 & I was beaten & raped by father & older brother regularly for years of my youth. From my point of view, you express a normal amount of anguish as you describe your life but you don't sound overly rage-filled or anything like that. In fact, I feel a bunch of compassion between your lines, compassion for yourself as well as those who brought a tough life upon you. You are amazingly well-spoken & open about the details of your mom's demise. All I can say is to stay plugged into this mojo becuz you have a strong clear story to tell. It may take many attempts to capture the breadth & depth of the hell you have lived thru, but clearly you've got the courage to share this without flinching. This is an impressive share & I'm sorry the toughness of this is really part of your life (((HUGS))) Fondly, Margie