2008-2014

Betty= is greedy side of my personality Ana= is not greedy just wants me to lose weight and starve Both are voices in my head Id=betty Superego= Anorexia Ego= Ash ( me)

 “I’ve released I don’t have to ingest calories I only have to taste them”- Ashton Grey (2007)

 

It must have been the summer of 2008.I’d always had her in my head it seems. I started work at Domino’s pizzas. It was picture-perfect. Well impeccable to Ana. I was still so unaware. I lost three stone that year. My days consisted of caffeine (5x sugar free red bull a day or green tea), college, and bag of white jazzes, then work. Finish work. White-hot chocolate. Bed! My weight dramatically plummeted to 6 stone that year. But that wasn’t enough!

 

I began to enjoy the comments. I was worried I’d gain the weight back so I began getting up at 5am and going to the gym and cycling to Tamworth before sociology or math’s daily. My biggest influence was my boyfriend at the time, nicknamed the stick (I know now he was anorexia himself). When we had sex his thighs would dig into my frame. I envied this. (He’d frown at me for eating and made me feel horrible when i did) When he first saw me naked, i remember his words so clearly. He said, “I thought you’d be thinner naked”. I don’t blame him (He was going through his own issues at the time). I don’t blame my stepdad for calling me fat either. It was in my genes and I just had the right triggers in life such as social anxiety and depression.

 

I started becoming obsessed with weight loss programs on YouTube, cookery programs and American’s next top model.

In fact my routine was to watch the food channel after college while I waited for my only meal of the day. I began to be scared of weekends, as I’d be forced to eat lunch. I was clever though. I’d stay in bed to avoid breakfast as well as lunch and exercise like a British nanny instead. When I was 18 I joined LA fitness (Not a good idea). I gained muscle and lost more weight (This is when it got serious). Mother did not seem to assume there was a problem just that I exercised a bit more then my sisters (So I thought). My closest companion my twin sister had no idea too. We are close but I did not feel I could share this particular issue it was much more complex then chasing boys.

At aged 19 I started seeing Betty in the mirror. Ana turned up on days when I hadn’t eaten. Betty appeared when I had been forced to eat lunch or I’d eaten too many sweets. It’s like I’d have skinny and fat days, it all depended which persona stole my logical perception. Scary I know. I knew that it was plausibly that I wasn’t fat as the scales didn’t give this impression and from various comments from family, friends and doctors. I only wanted to lose five pounds, not destroy my life, yet this fact did not sit well with Ana. She wanted more!

 

It’s hard for me to describe this period of going from small attempt at weight loss to being overly anorexic. Even now the word still burns my throat and sends shivers down my “bony spine”.  I started to cut things out of my diet, a little snip here and another there. I stopped eating cheese, eggs and switched to skimmed milk. Eventually became a Vegan to make it easy. Specific foods soon became entire food groups, which eventually became food in it’s entirely. I began exercising regularly, a routine daily or even up to three times a day. The routine evolved gradually to a daily ninety-minute ritual. But that’s the thing with eating disorders, and anorexia in particular it can just sort of creep up on you. Each new rule is only slightly more constricting than the one before, so you don’t really notice it. All of a sudden you find yourself living on lettuce leaves and mustard and wondering how the hell that happened.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(I wrote this 2013 and changed the names and pronouns round)

(It’s based on the summer of 2012)

 

When I moved in with my dad I lived off frozen bananas, rock cakes and scary veggie Indian dishes my step mum would cook. I gained almost a stone (scared me shitless). I went to the gym a lot too. I started at university and lost that in 3 months. Ana screams at more these days.  I see Betty getting fatter and Ana getting more skeletal. I want Ash back well what’s left of him. I want to go back to the boy who drew, played guitar and wanted to be a rock star.

 

 “If anyone asks I’m lazy it’s not that I choose to be skinny”- Ashton Grey (2011).

 

I have too many voices in my head these days. Getting help would be useless. Ana is doesn’t want me to get help. Betty loves her cakes and Ana has her ways to get rid of the evidence. Ash just sits and reads and hopes he’s got enough energy to finish his exams or get through the day. It’s like having two children arguing in your head while you’re trying sleep and think.

 

(I wrote this entry in 2008) (16 years old) (It came from my diary)

I’m one of those people whose hands are always cold because I don’t eat enough of the so-called gold and maybe as I waste all my pennies on Red Bull, which I hold because I’m constantly told she’ll make me bold. The morning awoke me sharp as a razor. Harsh as the mid-morning sun, slowly crept in reality and my consciousness. My covers, my guard from the frowning sun. I could hear the birds gossiping, I heard them half mutter my name. What did they know? I set out to labor and marched out on to the murky road.

 

 

 

(Wrote in 2012-2013)

I hesitated! Suddenly my mind became infested with reasons such as my purpose in existence. I thought what my life would be like in the future. I started questioning everything. I even began deliberating my own death. I fell faint. My legs akin to jelly. My vision failed. Should have eaten that apple. You don’t need it you can be strong-Ana. I stopped off at Morrison’s and grabbed a caffeine source. I felt a surge of energy through my veins. I hope my heart never gives up. I’m scared of death. Suppose that’s the reason I fight Ana and Betty by getting regular check-ups.

The old cathedral groaned at me in the wind. It felt as if my stomach had actually feasted on my internal organs. I drank more liquid energy. A sharp pain startled me. How rude? What was that for, I half mumbled to myself? Betty was hungry. You never feed me-Betty. Ash was tired but he knew he had to get his assignments done nevertheless.  I arrived at PJ halls. Sat down and pulled out my books. I felt dizzy again. I sat there exposed. Naked. Stripped of my significance. I felt worthless. I felt as if my whole mind and soul amounted to nothing and weighted almost nothing.

 Life wasn’t about eating a balanced diet or a meal for that matter. It was about staying awake in the conscious world. Well for me anyway. I had to pass my exams (I was paying so much for it). I had focus on something. I was so scared I’d break if I didn’t. Then again never waking to the conscious world wouldn’t necessary be a bad thing. Who would miss me? Ana would be gone. Betty may actually get her cake. Psychology department would be glad. It’s not like my grades were As. I had next to no friends and I wasn’t doing much for society. Oh dear it seems I’ve crept back into the danger zone.

 

I guess you’re now sitting there wondering what the hell this trivial boy is talking about, as well as wondering where he’s going with this. I live in two separate worlds. The first world I live in is the conscious one where my name’s Ash and I go to university and go out with my mates sometimes and the second one is my own little world within my deeply grotesque head with my Id Ego and superego or Ana, Betty and Ash. I didn’t want to grow up. I wanted to be small and child like forever  (or a guy) ,(hint why want to be light and with no breasts). I ask myself what would happen if I grew up. It was being found out. That I’m just a weak, dumb and messed up adult that cannot talk to other adults. I think I would die if my mates ever knew (2012-2013).

Anorexia. Gosh! I hate the sound as well as the encyclopedia of that word. The smell on it. It reeks with terror. It’s not vanity. Its guilt, pain (muscles are being eaten) and fear. It’s punishing! Its Christmas break and I have to go home. I’ll probably gain a stone! Your a fat b***h FAT FAT AND GREEDY-Ana. I’ll probably down a bottle of lemon fresh bleach to escape.   If I survive it, they will force feed me with a tube. Ana’s worse nightmare (hopefully her slow death). Betty’s heaven. Ash’s relief. (Xmas 2013)

 

(March 2013)

Mother wants me to go out to dinner with the girls tonight to some TGA Fridays, which is the worst possible place to go out to eat ever! Huge portions! High calorie fried foods and red meat seared in butter! Real butter! Even the salads are covered in fried chicken strips or buttery, greasy, fatty steak or cheese! I’m not even safe being a vegan. My mother doesn’t approve. She makes me eat fish and cheese. Nothing gives me more anxiety than going out to eat at a restaurant.  It’s a matter of convincing my family to go to the restaurant that has their calorie counts online and then spending hours and hours surfing the restaurant’s website, finding out the calories of every single meal on the menu, scouring the menu for an item that has less than 400 calories; it’s nearly impossible. It’s all the pretending that I like going out to eat despite the fact that I’d rather be neck down in a guillotine than faced with a table full of blooming onion appetizers and people trying to shove deep fried cheese down my throat! I know there’s no way to get out of this so let the restaurant ritual begin. (Shaking my leg, liter of water to make me full so I don’t lose control, Laxatives, (exercises in toilet).Don’t get me started on buffet restaurants. Basically if you take Ash out you take two of the most annoying brats out too (Betty and Ana).

 

 

 

Diary Entry 2010 (18 years old: Today I obsessed about my huge legs and thighs. I just stared at them all through my classes. Ana began to cut them at night without Ash knowing. I glazed at the way the fat spread out against the blue plastic of my desk chair, the way they jiggled as I walked down the hall or the way the person behind me on the stairs must be freaked out at the cellulite. I could just die thinking about it.  Sometimes I’d get a flicker of my bones. Sometimes this made scared. I don’t think Ana saw this. Betty only saw this. ( I was 35kg)

 

Diary entry 2008: (16 or 17 years old) winter:

I can taste the caffeine on my lips. Although it never drips .Can this be a sensation?    “Cause this isn’t masturbation!” and I can’t even sleep!  My hands start to shake. Is this just an earthquake or a sudden break?  I’m I the only one Do I belong because this heart is definitely not gone! Lessons not learnt Meaningful but restless thoughts one lays within. Hope feeds off hope, so don’t choke because it just isn’t broke. The good or ill of man lies within his own will and in this enchanted frill. This failure can’t break me. Just the apathy that holds it within me. There is no pillow .so soft as a clear conscience. And no hug as loving and forgiving as yours. Embrace. The luck you own. And your never be alone. With the belief no one lacks the reason to take ones life and everyone feels the benefit of this knife. This remains without fright. Guilt was born to kill. It seems pointless writing theses gripping thoughts when reading gives no support. Life’s insignificant ache when days remain restless and short. Polished but still in need of a wax. When guilt’s name is restless against my unsteady back .Joy bullies me to join but pessimistic thoughts pay the harder game in my minds fucked up facts .Guilt I’m sure is a person or just a spirit haunting my every score. Still life’s endless concern and bore remain with this added content repetitive sore  Maybe I’m way too bothered cause I’m no more depressed than a bag of potatoes .Meaning shutting up will do the trick cause I’m an overreacting obsessive prick.

 

 

 

 

February 14th 2013

It’s the dawn of a new day. New slate. Empty stomach. Empty soul. Free.  I really like this. No Betty. No Ana. It’s early for them. 3 am. I treasure this feeling, as it’s the only time I get to myself. Soon Ana will be up. Changing in to her gym clothes and telling me that I don’t need an apple, as I’m yet to burn Tuesday’s dinner off. In PJ hall. Fingers in my ears while my mates talked about food in our last lecture at 4pm. I couldn’t let Betty hear. Ana would throw a fit if I woke her.  For Dinner I had a soup and an avocado =251 calories. Chili flakes= 0. American mustard =100 calories = 400 to be safe. Black tea too= 1. Lardy a*s! Ironically avocado is not animal fat. Ana wants to aim for 200 calories. We agreed that we’d stick to 400 to 500 and work off the rest.  I went to the gym most days. Being anorexic is like being Alice in Wonderland. You perceive that your always getting larger and larger when eat some cake (keep growing). Except when you drink or don’t eat. You never feel like yourself. Or normal. I am Alice and welcome to my Wonderland. I took a walk into town. I made sure my music was blasting through my ears. This was to mask Ana and Betty’s ear ache.

 

10th may 2013

I’m getting worse these days. Soup is what I have. My only source of relieve from the pain of hunger. It pounces on me like a tiger that hasn’t eaten for months. I can go for hours or even days without as much as nibbling of a banana, but all of a sudden this rather irritated tiger rips at my organs in a desperate need to eat anything in sight. If you know me. This is where my character changes. I become withdrawn. Moody. Greedy b***h! - Ana. Intense! Worse of all I don’t eat at this moment, as I fear I’ll eat too much and lose control. I calm the tiger down by drowning it in caffeinated-laced drinks. I eat when it’s quiet and by this time I’ve been to the gym and made it forget all about it.

 

 

 

15th May 2013-05.

 I am emotion. Watch me move repeatedly in this motion .The light that brings hope .Life’s train rolls in and catches u in this tightened rope .Earths breast we grope just to cope .Light from the train brings hope. Nourishment makes me get closer to this rope .Eat nothing. Stay empty. Just drink plenty and move quickly .Sleep sleep rest on nothing but skin and bone till you can’t answer the phone .What’s wrong? Don’t you like these hunger pains? . Thunder n pain .Sand slit and bone .Don’t eat tasty bone. Your not worthy. Look at what you’ve done .Ana is busy digging this grave .Forking feeling much like falling from grace .All ashamed .You stand in the feeling of digress .You’ve eaten and the tiger has gone, but Ana’s already getting ready for this run. 

 

2013 February: A month ago I saw a nutritionist. A young dark haired average looking woman. I suspect she was fresh out of university as her advice was to say the least useless. We started with a check list of common foods and I indicated whether I would or wouldn’t eat them.  To an anorexic, food is never as simple as yes or no. I had to qualify many items I checked off, such as “red bull” and “coke” with phrases like “sugar free”. She remaindered that caffeine was not food at this point. Of course I knew this. I had to make her see that eating more which she suggested was not going to sit well with “us”. I told her at the beginning and the end I wanted to lose a stone. Surely any sane person would have alarm bells ringing in their head by then. No. She just carried on regardless. The only foods I allow myself are salad, soup (laced with chili flakes and mustard) and frozen bananas, which must be, buried deep in cinnamon.  A large portion of my calories probably came from condiments such as mustard, artificial sweetener, coffee grounds and my favorite aspartame. It’s a source of phenylalanine. I suggested, “Surely this makes all the difference?” She looked at me blankly. She than weighted me. 51kg! S**T! You fat greedy b***h your 8 stone! My BMI was 18, which pointed to normal on the chat. Yes said was within the healthy range and normal.  ‘Normal’- Ana whispers to me in terror. The nutritionist says I’m normal than its obvious, I’m fat. To be normal equals fat, greedy pig! -Ana. I left the appointment with the advice to eat bread with my soup and something for lunch. Both of which I have not eaten since the appointment. I set a goal to lose a couple of pounds. (51kg-47kg)  By April i wad 40kg by June 35kg again.

 

My best friend in the world has known since I told him 3 years ago (Andy). He’d told me he cried alone in his flat once as it just hit him that I had a life threaten illness. I admit this made me feel guilty. Andy has been there for me always. He reminds me I’m not on a diet and my thighs are not massive and that I am still painfully thin yet both my perception and Ana would argue otherwise. He asked me to marry him at Christmas. I was touched and agreed (2013 April).

 

June 06 2010  (Diary entry)

 I wrote in strange tenses when I was really ill and I am dyslexic so that played apart

I remember walking to college. It was a 3-mile walk but my legs ached from all the exercise and running around at work. I heard the words in my head say ‘this is good for you keep on going, burn those calories’. Ana’s words at first were merely just harmless gentle encouragement.       

 Back in the early days. I recall days where my weight in the morning would affected by it. If I weighted to much my whole day had to be altered or adjusted.

 There was a time when I climbed out of bed and with my feet I pressed the button on the side of the electronic scales. It slowly registered with three noughts. My feet touched the cold white plastic as I stood on the judge watching the numbers change. My heart beat ruthlessly inside its cage as the numbers flew past, getting higher, higher. When will they stop? It stopped 48kg.  

    

 It was if life had stopped! Why was I so fat? It must be water weight. Sodium that’s all. There’s too much sodium in my diet. What can I eat? Not soup now! Mustard has salt in it. Water does not. Coffee does not! In fact did you know that many dieters turn to soup as a convenient method to control calories and reduce portion sizes? However forget that soup is packed with f*****g salt! Making you just gain more weight and not lose it! (Possibly water weight). Most nights I have these really vivid dreams about food. I feel so guilty and greedy when I wake up, then I quickly remind myself that it was just a dream and I was good last and did not disobey Ana by indulgencing in custard filled doughnuts. I was a good little girl with my kale n lemon juice (s***s loads of chilli and black pepper.)

 

2014

My biggest weakness is licorice to be honest I think I’d loose more weight if I stopped. I love it when I have no money meaning I cannot buy any junk. Today I had kale and spinach, chili flakes, mustard, black pepper. I failed as I went for a cycle and got sweets (blue, red and green and packed full of sugar) just wait till Ana wakes up. Fat disgusting w***e! - Ana