The Dragon Lament

The Dragon Lament

A Poem by Jerbear The Great

I walk alone in this empty place

My calls echo through the silence

Tears flow unbidden down my face

Pain from this unprovoked violence

 

Memories flash in my mind

To places where we were happy

I ask, afraid of what I might find

Because I know the answer unsatisfactory

 

What tore you from my arms?

Was it the chaos in my thoughts?

Was it my corny charms?

It's these answers that i sought

 

But all I found is silence and your cold eyes

Rending me to shreds

Wallowing in your lies

I fumble for the threads

 

Than you felt it right to date him

The guy I thought my friend

Bending to your every whim

Falling, unable to mend

 

I wish to be free from this Hell

This pain is never-ending

You weren't there to catch me when I fell

I guess I was the only one bending

 

So now your with him

And I am alone

You pushed me out to this limb

Destination unknown

 

Sentenced by your decree

With lack of reasons

Exile awaits me

To last the seasons

 

And now I wait to die

Alone and in pain

I loosen a sigh

Slowly going insane

 

As death comes near

I look for my flaw

Facing my fear

I look up in awe

 

"You will never know what brought you this heartache"

He said to me

"Now for your sake,

It's time to flee."

 

I died on the spot

No time for a tear

The Life I sought

Is over I fear.

 

© 2008 Jerbear The Great


Author's Note

Jerbear The Great
Critique harshly please

My Review

Would you like to review this Poem?
Login | Register




Reviews

I really enjoyed it. I can't critique it too harshly as there were no glaring flaws. I will say that sometimes the rhyme scheme seemed a bit rough, even forced, but it is extreamly difficult to pull off rhyming in poetry really well and you neared the mark.
it is an emotional, lengthy but little is wasted, piece. very powerful.
a great ammount of wonderful imagery but sometimes it does seem a bit too focused on grotesque, overly described scenes.
that aside, it was a great piece.

Posted 12 Years Ago


thanks for asking me to read this. Sorry it took so long to get around to it.... I like the first half .it felt real but then it got really depressing at the end and it was like you just gave up.....just my guess......i liked it .the title was really cool! Cheers,lea

Posted 12 Years Ago


I can't begin to harshly comment on this, but I will say this, I almost cried feeling the pain in this writing. You are very good!

Posted 12 Years Ago


Dude, spend less time watching anime? Your kinda grotesque in your descripitions, which would work if they didnt all have such serious or love-affected tones. Make a pain story a pain story, with no graphic images of violent death, for the pain you feel is the LACK of violent death, which is it's self much worse and you overlook it trying to find words to express it. Good Tempo, great vocabulary, and remind me 2 give you my edgar allen poe collection when I see you next bro. He captures the torment of lack of torment better then any other poet i can bring to mind currently. Anyways, great work. But you could be much greater.

Posted 12 Years Ago


"But all I found is silence and your cold eyes" - in this line change "is" to "was" because you are talking in past tense throughout the poem

"Renting me to shreds" - "Renting" isn't the right word, did you mean "Rendering"?

"Than you felt it right to date him" - Omit "Than" and make this line "You felt it right to date him". You really don't want to keep it because it's like a never-ending story type set-up. Example "This happened. Then this happened. Then this happened". You just want to make the statement.


Otherwise, powerful imagery in this piece. I concur with [email protected] & Basketball Girl.

Posted 12 Years Ago


This really is very well written:) Its gloomy and sad, but at the same time its romantic:)

"And now I wait to die

Alone and in pain

I loosen a sigh

Slowly going insane"

Powerful imagery!!!:)


Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.

Beautifully done. You're an amazing writer!

Posted 12 Years Ago


1 of 1 people found this review constructive.


Request Read Request
Add to Library My Library
Subscribe Subscribe


Stats

462 Views
7 Reviews
Rating
Shelved in 2 Libraries
Added on August 31, 2008
Last Updated on September 1, 2008

Author

Jerbear The Great
Jerbear The Great

Simi Valley, CA



About
My name's Jeremy McGue, I'm 20 years old and I have no idea what to do with myself. I enjoy writing and am currently working on a piece of work that my partner Norman and i are writing together. It's .. more..

Writing

Related Writing

People who liked this story also liked..