the future is calling

the concept of growing up is terrifying

I often think that I'm doing the right thing, because everyone thinks that. But I sometimes have thoughts that make me question whether or not I'm trying too hard, or not trying enough and I don't know if either of those two things appeal to me.
I've been taught to have a purpose, to have a reason, bit what do I do when I can't can't that reason? I've begun to not want anything other than a never ending nap, or a space where I can lay in bed until I melt into it and never wake up again. Picturing myself, holding a coffee as I run down flights of stairs with a frown just to go to a class or job I don't enjoy, I simply can't thing about it without feeling terrified and distraught.
I don't want to be another speck in a hurrying society, where no one has enough time for anything and they end up clones of either one another or people that already existed. Everyone feels like they were already here, or there, as though we are all being recycled because nothing is changing anymore. We are like children stood in a thunderstorm, acknowledging how dangerous and odd it is but continuing to do it anyway even thought our hair is dripping and our skin is so wet that it tingles.
I don't want to feel like a child anymore, I want to care for something and find a purpose in anything at this point. I can't keep living my life with the idea of running away and being hidden, forgotten forever being more appealing than any job I should be good at.

But I can't help wanting to run away and dissappear.